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Been on a string of flashbacks to Bully Barbies, from the nightmare rejection of elementary playgrounds to politicians who marginalized my engineering career with far more proficiency than any Good Old Boy conspiracy. These would be the pampered social leaders who have mean things to say about everybody who is not on their exclusive list of the week. Girl howdy, they were cruel to new kids on the block. The constant moving of my childhood made me their constant target. Beyond the catty digs, they seldom do their own dirty work. They are master manipulators who get other people to do their dirty work for them. After they graduate college, they go on to high power careers and multiple husbands, taking zero responsibility for the hearts they spike with their high heeled sneakers. Taking responsibility for the hurt they cause would damage the poor little victim image they use to manipulate their minions.
I think I'm just venting here. . . Trying to get them out of my head. Luckily, there are not many of them in my personal life. I plan to keep it that way, but in the nature of PTSD flashbacks. . . Ouch. . .
But others just double down and "can't imagine how you'd think that way".
I have a virtual aversion to virtually everyone that leads a "perfect life".
"Cool...you got the house, the degree, the vaca pictures, the FB posts, the clothes...but do you have a soul?" (Keeps thoughts to self.)
Bully me for years over the type of pants I wear - and then that type of pants became the mainstream fashion, and all those sharp-tongued vipers suddenly slither around scoffing when you DON'T wear those pants.
They saw/thought that they could, so they did, because that's the type of personality they are (at that time). But for some reason I always struggled to square away the moving-target of reasons why I was so deserving of shit treatment.
Don't know if that makes any sense.
And flashbacks often care little about sense, so I'll just join you in saying bullying sucks. Hiss. Hope the venting helped a little.
they were ALL BEING NICE TO ME. it was a sort of SOCIAL EXPERIENCE - holey shit. i don't know how either - nightmare nightmare music. wht am i supposed to do here - i'm pretty sure i asked that out loud too. i had no f n idea how to do this shit.
i did notice the one girl wayyyy out there against the fence and asked why she was out there? judy anne said nobody is allowed to talk to her today.
what 0- inside brat's head? i guess brat was already there. hmmmm.
i asked, do you know why? because she is catholic. what is catholic i asked. nobody knew.
i called b.s. on that and went to sit w/her. she was crying and everything. i told her forget about them, who needs em.
the next day, she was in, i was out.
i went over there to the circle and told that judy anne, i won't say her last name but i still know it from the 3rd grade - i dont' care if you don't talk to me until i am old. i don't want you to because you are stupid.
but they didn't. none of them did.
and then. :(
my sister cut my hair. super short in the front. it was supposed to look like 99's in get smart.
but the front was to my eyebrows... so you can imagine the back - way up high. it was thick. so it stuck way out.
and it was all stubby in the back. i didn't know that part. but everybody could see it.
my sister tried to make it look better? by shaving it.
only that made it get a rash. which i also didn't know about.
there was a big joke at school and people made up a song. they were singing 'monster rash' and there was whole big deal about it. even my sister who cut my hair was in on it and my older brother too. all the kids. the little kids my age adn the big kids too.
plus, i was getting regular bullied by bullys too.
but then, i found out, monster rash was ME.
out of the gate, expecting the least, Making the effort until they prove not worthy of the effort,
or on rare occasion, am rewarded with an exchange of humanity worth the trip.
hugs
nobody stuck up for me at all. it wasn't so much that as that, at least my sister could have told me. she could have let me not be so clueless.
it still breaks my heart right now. i don't think i've ever felt it all the way yet.
people would take my book away in class and put the teacher's book on my desk - then tell on me. i would get called to the front and they'd sing that song.
she said, i won't ever forget it, she told me - you'll pass in a crowd.
that was that. i was 7 yrs old. no help from anybody.
i never did learn the girl rules. i always thought there were maybe 7-10 things that girls knew that might be helpful in life. i didn't know what they were because i was a non-participant.
and then - i dared to not have children. i couldn't, but people didn't ask, they assumed i was a _______. i don't know, fill in the blank. i was not a member. that's for sure. that was painful.
gentle hugs to all who have been bullied xo