I get it. I tried to get a therapist for my thoughts of suicide and they wanted me to go to inpatient treatment, right. I said, who is going to take care of my kids while I am away and the therapist gave some pat answer and she just couldn't get off the phone quick enough, she just told me she couldn't help me and said I needed to call so and so. Well, I have been in this state of mind before and there is always a small glimmer of hope and I told myself as long as there is a glimmer and I have even a small desire to live, I will stick it out and see what happens, after all my kids do need me and I am trying to do better by them so I guess that is going to have to be good enough for now.

thinks but I don't have hope anymore and I don't won't to live I have no reason to I can't think of not one prison that wood even care or cry miss me I have no one I feel like that really cares or loves me and on top of that I cry my self to sleep every night when ever I do sleep

Catilina, how long has it been since your loss? I understand that when a doctor therapist says that there is nothing they can do to help...it's usually because we are not ready to take in the difference of perspective. I lost a lot and most of my friends left are right her on DS. But I am worth the work to work on me. That was the changing point in the help I was receiving and what I was perceiving. I am a widow and that is only part of the list of friends family and children that have gone on while I stayed here alone.
When are heart beats it is for us, when we breathe it is for us, when we try it has to be for us. If people around you are saying to quit...then quit them. You don't need that in your life.
Hugs and support. J.

11 years and thanks

Catalina, so sorry for your suffering. 30 is a lot of doctors to have gone to see. You really have put forth a lot of effort for the sake of your wellness. I have to confess I probably couldn't have mustered that much self care myself, honestly.

I don't know the answer for people like us. I got PTSD in three categories--from combat living in a war zone as a kid overseas, from surviving sexual assault as a kid, and from weekly violence in the home from mentally ill parents. Over the years I found that doctors could usually treat me for 1 out of 3 every time, but never for all 3. so no doctor was the whole package for me, ever.

I guess after a while I just got tired of waiting for Mr. Right Doctor to come along.
I just decided to apply their treatments to myself the way a customer in a restaurant picks and choose from the buffet table. That may not have been the right or the smart thing to do. As an amateur and not a professional myself I may have missed something there that psychiatry and psychology had in store for me. But in the final analysis, I'm here and alive and relatively well, ain't I? So I must have done something right, even if just by accident or dumb luck.

I wish I had more to offer you, but I just decided against suicide more than once because I humbly had to admit something in my case. Unlike for a lot of people, it was actually literally true, speaking just for me, that not a lot of people would miss me, and those that would miss me wouldn't miss me for very long. So why bother making a statement like that? If it was about pain, I've stood awful pain ever since I can remember as an abused kid, so I decided that I could wait pain out until I had a good time again. And so I have made sure to have good times to look forward to, and to live from bonus to bonus. Eventually, postponing the end for me from bonus to bonus they added up to a week, and month, and year, a life.

I know it's not much help, but I offer it to you anyway because I know how badly you're hurting. We can skip the details and just say I've been there, too. Having gone to those 3o doctors you have been much stronger than me. Sending much support to you now.

Thank you so much

Cat, I like Muji, took suicide of the table completely. That left so much time to seek opportunities and learn self care. Eliminating detracting and distracting elements and people was a big step in taking self control back.
I can't tell you how I cried when I first read Peter Walkers articles on PTSD...It seemed I seen myself in every one of them.Then as I re-read them I followed link after link I could find. Those here helped so much in support as I learned . Doing what is best for ones self to learn to come up for air is a big step. Losing my husband I had to realize he was a gift and never mine to hold. He taught me a lot about living and life, even when I was not wanting to hear it. I miss him, but He is on his path and I am on mine. I still send up words to him "Are you watching me now?" Since he was my biggest cheering squad...I hope you can see the lessons of the love you were given and use that for strength...and us we are here.
Jewell.

If it defines, lifts your mood, speaks your sorrow that words are hard to find for...Music. I use it often to help in so many ways. One of my go to songs is titled the same as your name.
Ny posse of friends that would have moved a mountain to help me after I lost John went with him in one way or another with in a year either way of his leaving. It hurt that I had no witness to my pain, accomplishments change, but I am sure they all have a birds eye view of what I am doing now.
And I try to make them happy they knew me for even a portion of thier time here.
Hugs, here's the song...and I still rely on the message in it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbFu-TYu-PI
Broken Girl, Matthew West

A friend here once pointed out that the broken pieces reconstructed can create a more beautiful Mosaic. Be the beautiful Mosaic,

please don't do anything to hurt yourself.....try turning your life over to God....he is the one that will take your hurt and pain and sorrows and carry the burden for you.....He doesn't take it away but He will carry you through.....I lost a son 14 years ago....and without my faith and the knowledge that Scott was also a Christian, and I would one day see him again.......I probably wouldn't have been able to cope......

okay but y not I have no reason to want to live anymore