I think its perfectly okay to shed tears anywhere when reflecting on the deaths of El Paso. It is human and compassionate and not at all anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed for having done it. Though I'm sure it must have been quite triggering for your PTSD when you shared those tears but kudos muji, you kept going. I think you gave those students a more important lesson on being human and on emotionally healthy expressionism, as well as quiet strength, and the real definition of bravery. Being afraid and doing it anyway.
I know myself when i reach emotional expression, I'm always afraid it will lead to flashes, recurring triggers, maybe even panic. I know I tend to avoid it too. Its hard, and you did it anyway. Thats a lot to feel good about in yourself. Triple hugs~

Your heart cares and loves...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxSTzSEiZ2c

Thanks, y'all. I'm off to class to teach again now, Kleenex in hand. Sigh.

I think you set a great example of compassion and humanity, especially for any young men in your classes. It can't be often that they see men cry, yet crying is a healing and deeply human function that men should not be denied - lest they channel all their emotions into destructive rage. How much better if men could weep than lash out at the people around them! Of course women are not immune to that either - I myself (a woman) long took refuge in rage as a safer, more powerful stance than despair.

So cry on!

Gentle hug Muji….. You showed them your humanity and let it out..... I'm glad that you were able to do that and not supress it..... xo

Muji, there was El Paso, and the loss of two significant people from your past. That was a whole lot to carry into those classes. You were human in a class based on being human. Death and dying may have an intellectual curriculum, but it is emotional by it's nature. You showed the pain, and that men feel this as strongly as women. Well done Muji. Comforting hugs.

Guess what? It's after class now, and I didn't cry in class. However, the fact that I had brought a student to follow me to my office after class. There it was SHE who had a good cry.

TRIGGER WARNING

She was distraught for good reason, too; her husband attempted suicide by hanging in her home on Monday (I'm writing this on Wednesday) with 3 little kids in the house. Yikes. So I got her referred to some help for her and her kids and for him, too.

I can't help but think that my having shown tears first in class let her feel like she could show hers in turn, albeit about a totally different issue.

Often times we never know what somene else is going through.

No one can ever be everything to anyone (except maybe parent to infant child). It's great when we can help others, but it's also okay to know that if our approach doesn't resonate with that person, that someone else's perhaps will.

I'm glad that she had you Muji.

Can't blame you for breaking down, Muji. Innocent people being mowed down to death is heartbreaking. I feel bad for the student whose husband tried to hang himself. I hope they find help and can heal. Prayers going their way.

Funny, while that student whose husband tried to hang himself was in my office today crying, my boss and the college computer expert came by, saw her, and left. Then they came back 2 hours later. What they'd come for was to show me a list of ways I wasn't up to the job nowadays because I wasn't using my computer the right way in my online teaching.

The main issue is that I started teaching my online classes two years before the college hired this computer tech, and for the 5 years since she came I haven't ever linked my classes to a website she made. They had obviously had a meeting together about it beforehand. As I listened, I kept thinking about knowing how we all meet here via computer every day. But they're right, I'm not on the cutting edge of computing, no, and I hadn't linked to the computer tech's website. I hadn't thought that I needed to, at least not for my teaching purposes all these 7 years I've been teaching online. My college's enrollment is dwindling, but my online classes are full with a waiting list, so I thought I was fine.

When the computer tech told me in front of my boss that I wasn't teaching online with links to her website, I admitted she was right and booted up my computer and asked her to link it for me right away. I was really polite, I just meant to get the matter resolved right away and for them to see that the error was rectified to satisfaction immediately. She accepted.

But then when she tried, and it turned out she couldn't do it right then. Things went south from there. My intention to please them backfired. The computer tech had to leave, she said, to get a computer manual from her office about how to do it. Then she never came back. My boss left, too, and never came back, either.

I went home from work without hearing from them and so my PTSD hypervigilance really started amping up. Tonight at home I got really worried that I am going to be in trouble somehow tomorrow or the next day for embarrassing my workplace computer tech and my boss. I honestly didn't mean to, I'm serious.

It was also interesting to notice that they had come back 2 hours after seeing that student crying in my office for support and that they had never even mentioned her. I wondered if they thought it was inappropriate to have a student cry in my office or something. I don't know, they didn't say anything.

I hadn't arranged for that to cry or come to my office or anything. In fact, I just met the student since classes just started day before yesterday. The student's husband had attempted to hang himself yesterday, and today being the next day I taught a psych class she was already in. Because the topic was psychology she chose that class to reach out. It could have been taught by any teacher, not just me.

If I'm out of line somehow to my boss and the other leaders like the computer tech where I work, I didn't mean to be. My consolation is that I'm retiring to Mexico year after next. I was really happy in Mexico this summer so retirement's going to be great for me, so it's going to be ok then.

Thanks, though, to you for your kind words about being able to support that crying student today from the support I've received here and the lessons about support I've learned here. They may be looked at as inappropriate at my workplace by my bosses nowadays.. I don't know if giving support's ok there or not, so it's great to have validation from y'all here.

I didn't know what else to do but what we do here. I get, though, that what I have to do for my bosses at work is more work with that website instead. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to have to figure out how to do that tomorrow without embarrassing them my boss or the computer tech any more.

Gosh Muji. That is a trying few days. How tragic about the student, I am glad you were there for her. I hope you are taking good care of yourself also.

This soundsike a simple misunderstanding or miscommunication. Please do not be too hard on yourself. I believe you are going beyond the teacher roll and being a mentor, the way more people should be. Do not stop, be you, you are an outstanding human being my friend.

Thanks, y'all. I got up early today and decided to work hard a couple of extra hours to please my boss and the computer tech where I work by putting time in working on that website thing they've put priority on. Wow, it was a lot of work. And when I was done, I didn't see how it really helped me with my classes. But it's what the boss wants, so it's done. I stopped by my boss's office in the afternoon to say so.

Then I had another student stay after another death and dying class to talk to me for a whole hour after class had ended. She's working on her RN, and has already worked as an LPN doing graveyard shift nursing at a nursing home. On the job, she'd seen some folks die, and she wanted to process that stuff.

So I'm trying to straddle both the boss and computer tech's technical demands and not get behind on that front, while also being willing to listen to human stories it seems come my way that my boss and computer tech don't prioritize. I came home really tired from a full day doing both. I had to take a shower to get my PTSD grounded.
Then I went for a brisk walk after dinner and got some exercise, and felt like I could turn around and have the energy to do tomorrow, Friday, with a TGIF attitude.

It just seems to me that my particular workplace pulls in two directions. The bosses want more technology, the students want more listening. Thanks for encouraging me not to abandon the one or the other. Let me tell ya, though, I am glad tomorrow's FRIDAY. Whew. Yeah, what a week.

(((Muji))) i hope friday goes smoother and the weekend is relaxing for you. Hugs