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The deeper I get into unraveling my own tangle of learned behaviors due to the trauma, the more I am seeing how behaviors are a direct result of motivations. Now I know that this seems fairly obvious, but it is also worth pointing out. Especially since when we interact with others we tend to act as though our motivations are the same as everyone else's. When we make this assumption we misinterpret the behaviors of others.
Case in point:
At 6 years of age, I was raped by a 17 year old boy. One of the learned behaviors (motivations) that I have is this. I know what it feels like to have someone force themselves on me. i CANNOT do that to another human being. And right or wrong, this Ideal for me holds an even more extreme meaning when it comes to my dealings with females. Growing up, when it became natural for a boy my age to be attracted to girls.... I was, but I HAD to absolutely sure that she was interested in me. If she played hard to get then it was over. Every girl I was ever interested in assumed that I did not care that much for her. The truth was, that I cared so much that I could not feel like i was pushing her in a relationship that she might not want. I ended up being the guy that all of the girls came to to get help understanding the guys that treated them like crap. They felt that they could trust me since I apparently had no romantic interest in any girl. They did not understand my motivations, and therefore misinterpreted my behaviors. (btw i never once gave intentional bad advice... that would go against my basic motivation).
I know that I am guilty misinterpreting others, but I have found that I am much more understanding of what i may consider "odd" behavior in others these days. Doesn't mean that everyone gets a free pass to treat me like trash. I'm just more aware that there could be other factors involved beyond what I can see.
The other side of this is that I am now trying to discover who I really am. I have some learned behaviors that worked for a 6 year old boy, but they don't work so well for a grown man. These learned behaviors are tied to emotions of fear, and guilt, and shame. As I untie that knot, I hope to find the real me, and I hope i can learn to embrace that person.
Case in point:
At 6 years of age, I was raped by a 17 year old boy. One of the learned behaviors (motivations) that I have is this. I know what it feels like to have someone force themselves on me. i CANNOT do that to another human being. And right or wrong, this Ideal for me holds an even more extreme meaning when it comes to my dealings with females. Growing up, when it became natural for a boy my age to be attracted to girls.... I was, but I HAD to absolutely sure that she was interested in me. If she played hard to get then it was over. Every girl I was ever interested in assumed that I did not care that much for her. The truth was, that I cared so much that I could not feel like i was pushing her in a relationship that she might not want. I ended up being the guy that all of the girls came to to get help understanding the guys that treated them like crap. They felt that they could trust me since I apparently had no romantic interest in any girl. They did not understand my motivations, and therefore misinterpreted my behaviors. (btw i never once gave intentional bad advice... that would go against my basic motivation).
I know that I am guilty misinterpreting others, but I have found that I am much more understanding of what i may consider "odd" behavior in others these days. Doesn't mean that everyone gets a free pass to treat me like trash. I'm just more aware that there could be other factors involved beyond what I can see.
The other side of this is that I am now trying to discover who I really am. I have some learned behaviors that worked for a 6 year old boy, but they don't work so well for a grown man. These learned behaviors are tied to emotions of fear, and guilt, and shame. As I untie that knot, I hope to find the real me, and I hope i can learn to embrace that person.
Relate to what you said about reading things into the motivations of others that may not be there. I have a very hard time telling who is honest, who is good intentioned etc. And the more I like someone the more nervous I become about my own judgements.
I posted about this about a month ago, and the best synthesis of the responses I got was to withhold judgement until I had enough information to go on, and to stay aware that I might be misconstruing.
Your comment about cutting other people slack, seems maybe to be other words for this same attempt to withhold premature judgement which might be based on one's own possibly skewed perspective.
The issue of learning how to trust someone..... I just really dont know. I know people that I'm certain are honest truthful good intentioned people, but I still would not trust them with the secret of my abuse. I mean I post here a lot about it, but of the people that i personally know... None of my friends know. My Wife, Mom, one Brother, and one Sister and my therapist know. thats it. I used to like to think that trust was earned, but the more i think about it the reality is that trust is given. I am very sorry but the honest truth is is that i have no good advice on how to trust.
If we look at what trust actually is... is it allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in an interaction w/ another person? When we share sensitive information that makes us vulnerable, when we become interdependent in someway, (even just car pooling or etc.) trust is involved.
To me just leaving the house is an act of trust. But in reality there is no way we can exist in the world w/out being vulnerable, all humans are vulnerable in both predicable and arbitrary ways.
If we get rattled to our core by trauma the trusting side of us is shattered. I understand what you are saying about actually trusting no one even though your actions may not reveal that.
I view it as layers of trust, and that for me, oh yes, trust is definitely earned. I slowly, slowly, slowly grow my trust towards people and places and am always on mental sentry duty in case emergency self-protective measures are involved. When I try and make a leap of trust, I will just as likely leap back again if I feel injured by the person or situation.
It is always a matter of degree. I trust the mail carrier to not read my mail, and the lawn sprinklers to go on at midnight, but I never take anything for granted.
It affected me the same way it affected you, too. When I grew up, I became a stickler for being sure I didn't push a girl into anything she didn't really want to do in a relationship with me. I, like you, became a confidante of the girls as a result. Sometimes that was frustrating because I wanted to be the Romeo, but it sure was better than being abusive in the way I had once been abused. My conscience was clear.
Thanks again for opening up and letting me do the same!
I'm a straight forward girl and, sure, I'll tease and play, but flirting? That is not a natural for me - in fact, I'm really not interested in playing shallow games. I just went through a very confusing two years and I still don't understand any of it. Sometimes I have to ask myself if I know how to love - except that I know my heart does love. So, if a sexual temptress is what he's looking for, he's going to have to keep on looking. Unless there is action supporting the words, such as pursuit, as in asking me out, as in pursuing a relationship, then OK, I'm wiling to give it a shot. But I've heard suggestions, innuendos, seen the adoration, felt the energy and chemistry, the connection is definitely there - but no pursuit. That leaves me believing he's just not that into me. I even saw some jealousy. He talked about being a manly man, strong enough for a strong woman like me - but his actions didn't support that when he deleted a male doctor's phone number from my cell phone.
Growing up without a mother, no display of relationship in my upbringing at all, I can allow myself to be hammered with thoughts such as I don't know how to be girly or I'm not girly enough, but I believe the truth is, I'm born a girl, it is inherent to me - it will just take the right kind of man to love me for who I am. I seem to intimidate alot of men and I don't mean to. My strength attracts alot of men, even women haters. I just trust God with this arena. I am attractive, I'm intelligent, I have charisma, I have energy. When the time is right, I will meet the man who won't try to mold me into a Stepford wife. I am fierce in my belief that a man and woman are to stand side by side, not her underneath. A woman's place can be very powerful for the man, if his ego will allow him to be vulnerable so she truly is a source of strength for him - if he can embrace that, if he is secure so that doesn't threaten him.
I don't think it is about the games - sure, people are used to playing those games and it strokes egos - but when it comes down to the rubber meeting the road, it is about connection, it is about values and goals, and ability to communicate.