Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I can't shake the depression and pain during down times. Even if it is a very short down time at work or longer ones at home. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not read this is any sort of threat to harm myself. It isn't. I have already admitted I am too chicken to end things and I don't really want to end things. I want the pain to stop. I want to stop feeling pain; emotional and physical.
I want to stop the self loathing. I hate who I have become. I hate my physical self and I hate my personality. I hate my job. I hate my life. The few things I enjoy are made difficult by my weight. I joined a weightloss club and it makes me feel even more pressure and I feel like a failure.
I will have to work late tonight. My caseload to large. At least to large for me. I should be able to do more. I am so freaking tired right now.
I am lost mostly in my fantasy word so I can avoid the real one but lately that has even got more intense. I will try again to force myself to be present but it is hard. Every minute or so I will have to tough things and name things to bring myself back. I come back to pain.
I want to stop the self loathing. I hate who I have become. I hate my physical self and I hate my personality. I hate my job. I hate my life. The few things I enjoy are made difficult by my weight. I joined a weightloss club and it makes me feel even more pressure and I feel like a failure.
I will have to work late tonight. My caseload to large. At least to large for me. I should be able to do more. I am so freaking tired right now.
I am lost mostly in my fantasy word so I can avoid the real one but lately that has even got more intense. I will try again to force myself to be present but it is hard. Every minute or so I will have to tough things and name things to bring myself back. I come back to pain.
I know self-loathing too well. I don't even look at myself in a mirror if I can help it.
Maybe call in sick and take the day to just lie in bed, have a good cry, and make a list of things you *can* do? I know that helps me....when I can get enough of my head outta my butt to see daylight, that is.
Wishing best for you and your situation... Wish I could do more...
If you can be responsible for your job and accountable to your clients, you can expand that responsibility to include yourself. It doesn't sound like you judge your clients or co-workers. You may empathize with them, help them, think of their needs, be part of the plan to assist them, and look at their lives with the goal of problem solving.
That attitude does not expire, it expands. Why are you holding that at arms length from yourself? If you cripple yourself, you really can't help anyone else. I see you breaking down and at the same time doing networking for others to put them in touch with what they need.
You are important and valuable. There are people and organizations who will help you do one good thing for yourself at a time. You might not think you're that important, but it's amazing what happens when you talk to someone that does. Maybe if it's okay for someone else to value you...it will become okay for you to value yourself. Kind of an emotional show and tell.
Meditation was never something that worked for me and there is no time for that in the morning anyway.
Today I went to pick up my contacts and was told that my insurance said they would cover them on the 6th but now say they won't. Also my insurance is only covering half my bill. No one can explain that. I almost lost it in the eye doctors office. I overreact to everything and I feel scared all the time.