Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
So some of you will know me here and some won't. I am on for awhile, I get to a functional place, live there for awhile and disappear, then...then it all breaks down and I...here I am again.
I have Complex PTSD from childhood and later life events, all interpersonal and mostly sexual in nature, just to clarify. I was doing ok for awhile, got my Masters degree, had a child, was trying desperately to figure out what was wrong with my marriage...
As it turns out my husband is a narcissist and emotionally abusive and I didn't recognize it for a long time. I have told him we will never be a couple again, we have had seperate rooms for over 3 years, I haven't worn my wedding ring for a year, and yet he still acts as if he owns me. I have decided to leave him but have been home for 3 years with our child and have no job, no money, just complete dependence on him.
I have spent the past 6 months trying to begin to rebuild myself as a human being. I have gotten tattoos to reclaim places on my body that felt not my own. I have made time to have a friend that I see regularly, something he never allowed for the past decade. I began to take care of my body and run everyday, getting ready to do a 5k soon. I dress better, I do my hair. I write fiction and recently had a piece actually published.
And then something happened...
I (re)met an old friend on social media and suddenly we were having an affair. I hadn't felt so good in years. Someone that likes me, thinks I am beautiful, wants to know me, talk to me, touch me. We have been friends for over 15 years and I had no idea he had wanted to be with me all those years, he never told me. And we get on beautifully, except he is engaged. Two weeks before we started seeing each other to be exact. And they too have separate rooms. He and his fiance have not been together in almost a year and yet, they just set the date for next summer. He says he loves her.
So between the daily dealings with my abusive husband, caring for a toddler and keeping him safe as possible from emotional abuse, trying to keep things amicable, figuring out some way to support myself and child, worrying about custody and financial issues, feeling guilt and fear over the affair but also sadness and frustration because of my very real feelings for him and hating being in the perpetual second place spot with him, let alone to someone who he describes as a sort of best friend who he can't be physical with due to lack of attraction...it's enough to break me down. Again.
I've thought it would be better to just stop breathing than try to sort this stuff out. I know I should end things with the affair, but I also know I won't do that. Because without him I'm just too terribly lonely to survive. And I just don't understand why he is going to marry this girl...the ridiculous sentiment that love is enough...I know from experience love is not.
Once upon a time I loved my husband and it was only enough to make me wish I'd never been born.
I have Complex PTSD from childhood and later life events, all interpersonal and mostly sexual in nature, just to clarify. I was doing ok for awhile, got my Masters degree, had a child, was trying desperately to figure out what was wrong with my marriage...
As it turns out my husband is a narcissist and emotionally abusive and I didn't recognize it for a long time. I have told him we will never be a couple again, we have had seperate rooms for over 3 years, I haven't worn my wedding ring for a year, and yet he still acts as if he owns me. I have decided to leave him but have been home for 3 years with our child and have no job, no money, just complete dependence on him.
I have spent the past 6 months trying to begin to rebuild myself as a human being. I have gotten tattoos to reclaim places on my body that felt not my own. I have made time to have a friend that I see regularly, something he never allowed for the past decade. I began to take care of my body and run everyday, getting ready to do a 5k soon. I dress better, I do my hair. I write fiction and recently had a piece actually published.
And then something happened...
I (re)met an old friend on social media and suddenly we were having an affair. I hadn't felt so good in years. Someone that likes me, thinks I am beautiful, wants to know me, talk to me, touch me. We have been friends for over 15 years and I had no idea he had wanted to be with me all those years, he never told me. And we get on beautifully, except he is engaged. Two weeks before we started seeing each other to be exact. And they too have separate rooms. He and his fiance have not been together in almost a year and yet, they just set the date for next summer. He says he loves her.
So between the daily dealings with my abusive husband, caring for a toddler and keeping him safe as possible from emotional abuse, trying to keep things amicable, figuring out some way to support myself and child, worrying about custody and financial issues, feeling guilt and fear over the affair but also sadness and frustration because of my very real feelings for him and hating being in the perpetual second place spot with him, let alone to someone who he describes as a sort of best friend who he can't be physical with due to lack of attraction...it's enough to break me down. Again.
I've thought it would be better to just stop breathing than try to sort this stuff out. I know I should end things with the affair, but I also know I won't do that. Because without him I'm just too terribly lonely to survive. And I just don't understand why he is going to marry this girl...the ridiculous sentiment that love is enough...I know from experience love is not.
Once upon a time I loved my husband and it was only enough to make me wish I'd never been born.
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Lately I've been feeling scared and full of anxiety. I recently found a lump under my nipple. I hurt my back too. I'm in the process of moving. I'm run down. Everything is hard
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Just wanted to give a thank you to Mid, Arfie, Malibumark, Greeneyes, Mlro, Girlincalif, and Suncloudjd! You all always have such helpful tips and advice, but I always forget to write on my posts when I see you post, lol. I would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, lol. Thank you all so much! I'm starting to use my AI app as a sounding board again. I used to use it as that before...
This sounds like the cycle of my life, Annie. In my own, strictly personals, the circumstances change continually, but the cycle remains. The up-phase leads to a stable phase. The stable phase slides into a downward phase. The downward phase shatters to chaos. The chaos phase turns it all into pulp. I get so low that up is the only direction left to try. And the cycle begins anew. . . The fun just never ends.
My personal recovery is currently in "Maintenance Phase." I do believe this cycle will be with me to the end. I cope with the jagged edges of it by taking that Maintenance seriously. When I wait until I am in crisis to do the Maintenance, the problem is already in need of repair instead of maintenance. The repair bills are always higher than maintenance bills. It is allot easier to add water to the radiator (maintenance) than to repair a cracked engine block.
DS is part of my maintenance plan. Just one part. Whether here or another node on my therapy net, I pay strict attention to the Daily Maintenance.
Just me. Strictly personal.
Gentle support while sort your own, Annie. Thank you for the day brightener of seeing you here again. Repeat, you have been missed.
Wow.
Ouch.
I am trying to get to "Maintenance". *sigh* As Arfie said, cheaper long-run (emotionally) than repairs but... Where you seem to be sounds like a very bad place.
Wish I had advice. I'm 23 years married to my hubster, 3 bouts of marital therapy to help us along, and he is (thank God) just normal-garden-variety irritating-occaisionally-jerkish, rather than the narcissistic violent cruel nightmare that was my dad. (C-PTSD here, too. Ugh.)....
can't give much but supportive vibes, but those I give freely.
My BFF divorced after 14 years home, no job, etc., and she was able to find a way to employment. It's not much but it's getting her on the road. So don't give up. It can be done. Kid(s) and all.
(BTW, IMHO? If he's setting a wedding date with her, they can't be all that "separated". IMHO. Strictly speaking from personal observations of friends, etc.)
It sounds like your situation in your affair is at once comforting and stressful. I haven't been in that particular situation, so I can't speak to it from any experience, but I get the paradox.
...I mean, if she was meeting his needs he wouldn't be having an affair, so she's not meeting his needs, and it'll likely get worse after they are married.
Sex isn't a need, but it is a strong enough want for some that they are going to be chronically unhappy inmarseilles marriage.
But not just that. Physical contact and emotional caring are probably bigger deals than sex? Sounds like he's getting none of it, and neither are you.
I understand domestic violence organizations help emotionally abused women as well as physically battered ones. Regardless of whether your guy figures it out or not, I advise you to start talking to a domestic violence counselor, getting together an exit plan, contacting an attorney, and stashing money ( if you can ) in an account your husband has no knowledge of, and not linked to your home address.
Get a plan together, get rolling...maybe mr guy will follow your lead? Maybe not,
There may be one question you may want to ask yourself. If the female roles were reversed and you were the potential bride to be, would you be ok with the real bride to be having an affair with your potential husband. It is at the very least a good question worth asking yourself. If you would have no problem with it, I would say stay the course. If you would have a problem with it, then you have some soul searching to do. I do not know you at all, but I trust you will come up with the right answer to this dilemma.