There are so many synonyms and so many racing thoughts and dissociation is just confusing. 

I kinda feel exhausted from trying to understand it. I’m just working on mindfulness and trying to stay present and hoping somehow things will get better. Maybe I don’t have to understand in order to heal?

This will sound very depressing.....

 I am completely exhausted and I don’t really even want to try anymore 

until I look at those kids

I am so incredibly ashamed to have ptsd and to have fallen into a relationship like the one I am ending. Me. I’m the one divorcing him. And I’m scared that just as my moms depression negatively impacted me growing up, my mental health issues will impact them negatively. 

I know I’m not perfect and I’m going to mess up. I know I’m not Jesus and I’m not expected to be perfect. But I don’t want to pass these chains down. I want them broken here and now.

 I recognize my tendency to try to control a situation, even when it doesn’t matter at all....telling them they need to eat their Cheerios and not just eat the milk with a spoon. What’s it matter if they spoon the milk into their mouth? Maybe they’d eat the Cheerios after. Why does this drive me crazy? Why do I get upset when they don’t finish their meals. I know money is tight but they’re kids. Sometimes they eat a ton. Other times they don’t. 

I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I used to see him. Or a mixture of him and my dad who I was also afraid of. Now I just see a stranger. An old, ugly, angry, lonely, sad, terrified stranger. That’s hard.

 I feel like a terrible mom. Coming home from Dads house every boundary is there for the pressing. Little doesn’t want to sleep in her own bed and big doesn’t want to sleep at all. 

I don’t know how to ha doe all of this chaos. It’s more than I can put online. I go back and forth between wanting to eat all the sweets (binge) and not wanting to eat at all. As a former/recovering (because we are always recovering right?) anorexic/bulimic, I have not made those mistakes or given into those temptations but every day is a new day full of new challenges, full of triggers, loaded with dissociations and anxiety. It’s exhausting. I am growing weary.