Im feeling really anxious tonight and Im not sure why. My Sunday School class had our Christmas party today after church. It was really fun. We had a tough discussion in class though, about family. Lots of families in the Bible are dysfunctional at best. From my perspective the story we talked about today encouraged my hopelessness. And I wasn’t shy about that though I wasn’t specifically saying I was hopeless, just pointing out the heartbreak and the cycle that continued through several generations. That was hard. I felt more at home in this mere strangers house for the party then I do at Mom and Dads house. The person I parked behind was encouraging me to park in the driveway. I parked behind him because I thought we’d arrived. I turned my GPS off because I saw him and I didn’t want to get blocked in the driveway. No one parked in the driveway and it wasn’t a big deal but the way he talked to me made it feel like one. I stayed there and told him I’d be leaving early with the kids and didn’t want to get blocked in. This is the second time this weekend he’s triggered me. Friday he was upset that his wife got a job. I asked why. He said because he told her not to. I said “she’s allowed to do her own thing.” They’re my parents age so I get change is harder and it just makes little sense because things have been this way forever and I know these things don’t make him anything like my husband....or ex....soon to be ex...but it still threw me. I havent really been present for much of the weekend.

Ex exhausted kids when I told him the reason I didn’t want him keeping them up late for the family Christmas party is because they had a big day planned for today. Little has never ever been so exhausted. She’s not even like that when she’s sick. They both slept forever last night. We went to church late and napped late today. It was fine. Little also went to bed late because we napped so late. But we all had a blast. If I felt safe I’d post a cute pic of us. They’re amazing....anyway he was mad that I wouldn’t let them go to the party and I get that. But I did what was best for them and for me. He gave me two days notice and I needed this party - for me. I was excited about it. I’m glad I made that decision. But I found out he didn’t go to the party either and felt really guilty.

so I’m still owning his stuff.

 I woke up owning his stuff....a dream I won’t type out. It’s too much.  Really graphic and I woke up not knowing if it was a dream or a memory because so many of my dream thoughts were things I’ve actually thought in real life. 

I’m stuck in the belief that I failed us. I did everything I could to control his actions. Carried my keys a certain way, avoided certain roads even when he wasn’t in the car, cleaned a certain way, let him to most of the cooking, tamed my personality in public (no laughing, little chatting, focus on cleaning for others and definitely not yelling at sporting events.) I let him steamroll my boundaries. I kept quiet when he told me to, and when wanted something I didn’t want to give.

I’m confused over the statement that all non-consensual sex is rape. I read that earlier. 

I had plenty of sex that wasn’t consensual but it didn’t feel like rape. He wasn’t violent. He just wouldn’t stop persisting physically. If I could get up I did but he has over 100lbs on me so that wasn’t always possible. I got so sick of him not giving me space when I was hurting physically or emotionally or when I was just exhausted or when I had medical reasons not to have sex that I literally just wanted the right to say no after our daughter was born. I was so tired and so busy and so uncertain of how to be a Mom to two....he made it seem like a duty I was failing to complete, said he wanted me to be more into it but I told him I wanted some days without sex every now and then because I’m exhausted. We’d had that discussion years ago and he said “sex is really important to me.” It was non negotiable and that didn’t change when we had two tiny little attention hogs. I was never allowed to have me time much less time off from that chore. There were times I could get up and there were times I couldn’t and there was also consensual sex. But when we had sex that I didn’t want to have, he knew I didn’t want to. I was clear verbally and physically and it didn’t matter but he was never going to be violent or threaten me in this position. I’m the one who eventually gave in to his verbal and physical persistence. I get that that isn’t consent but it also doesn’t feel like rape st all.

 I’m owning his isolation and sadness but I know it’s like him to isolate and that it’s his decision. I’m doing what’s best for me.

 I’m concerned with his lack of resistance to my Christmas suggestion....not sure why. It just makes me uncomfortable.

 I’m also concerned with his willingness to pay for things prior to court hearings. That’s just confusing. He never wanted to pay for anything when we were married.

 I’m confused that I’ve thought about going home to him (won’t though, don’t worry) and more confused and hurt by the fact that he’s not once asked me to come home.

I know this idea is wrong but it feels like my fault for all those reasons and more. I need to stop owning the mistakes of others