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Fridays are my day for errands, bill paying, and grocery shopping. My son spends the morning with me, keeping me company, helping with the heavy lifting, and generally helping keeping me calm. This week has been a better week than most in terms of anxiety - I have been fairly calm. I'm learning to manage my environment and my triggers and learning to breathe through my attacks when I can.
I woke up feeling a wonky this morning but honestly I feel weird every morning - I don't know what "normal" is anymore. I just say this is my "new normal." Well, as soon as we reached Wal-Mart and parked the truck I started having chest pains. No warning, no reason... just out of the blue. I tried to ignore it and go about my normal routine. With every task I completed inside, the pain lingered and my anxiety worsened. I tried not to think about it, tried to focus on the task at hand, and tried to breathe through the panic. By the time we finished (about an hour) and I reached the truck, the thought of going to another store or running any more errands had me in tears.
My mind was racing with thoughts of "why?" Why the chest pains? Why now? Why the anxiety? I was doing so well. It completely blindsided me. It's so hard when you can't even function through something as simple as a grocery excursion.
I woke up feeling a wonky this morning but honestly I feel weird every morning - I don't know what "normal" is anymore. I just say this is my "new normal." Well, as soon as we reached Wal-Mart and parked the truck I started having chest pains. No warning, no reason... just out of the blue. I tried to ignore it and go about my normal routine. With every task I completed inside, the pain lingered and my anxiety worsened. I tried not to think about it, tried to focus on the task at hand, and tried to breathe through the panic. By the time we finished (about an hour) and I reached the truck, the thought of going to another store or running any more errands had me in tears.
My mind was racing with thoughts of "why?" Why the chest pains? Why now? Why the anxiety? I was doing so well. It completely blindsided me. It's so hard when you can't even function through something as simple as a grocery excursion.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
What I have learned though is that anxiety and panic never come out of the blue. It always starts with a thought. And it could be a thought that seems so wonderful such as "I have no anxiety today". Something so innocuous can actually cause you to have anxiety because behind that thought is "but what if I do...". And you are probably so accustomed to thinking these thoughts that you don't even realize you have them any more. They become unconscious thoughts
It could also be brought on by that wonky feeling you had. All it takes is one wonky feeling for you to think "Oh no! What is this feeling? What if it leads to something else?" And these don't have to be conscious thoughts either. It's the unconscious thoughts that really set anxiety humming.
My therapist always had me looking back to check my thoughts and every time I could trace it back to that unconscious thought that is more a habit than anything. A thought I didn't even know I was having. Once I recognized this I became more conscious of my thoughts - especially when I felt wonky. Once I started recognizing the thoughts at the moment I was having them it helped me to extinguish them before they became an anxiety attack.
Take care
I have two friends that I used to work with. Friends that I was very close to, that I have seen through their own traumas and turmoils (cancer, miscarriages,anxiety, depression, etc.). We have always been great friends and never had a fight or anything. In mid-November they were married and I was unable to attend because my PTSD and IED was out of control, my marriage was falling apart, and I was suicidal. I was sitting alone in a hotel in the middle of nowhere trying to figure out what I was going to do to get out of the nightmarishly dark hole I was in - on the day of their wedding. I found the strength to text them and congratulate them, wishing them well because they deserve every happiness and telling them how much I love them. and telling them we would talk soon.
I haven't heard from them since. I even reached out to them on January 1. Wishing them a Happy New Year and many blessings. We generally attend the same church and sit together but I haven't seen them in nearly three months. Most of my time in church is spent as a bundle of nerves and anxiety and tears. Some days I don't make it through the service and some days I do. They've witnessed it all. Yet, when I missed their wedding they decided they were done with me I guess. On Wednesday, they attended church and rather than sit where they have sat for years, they sat on the complete opposite side of church. Back where I guess they hoped I wouldn't see them. So sad.... so disappointing.
This is what triggered me! People constantly disappointing me is a HUGE trigger. :(