I almost post a lot.

I type out what is on my mind and then I delete it. 

I want someone to chat with. I don’t want to fee the need to defend myself, but there will always be the “have you tried?” I know people are trying to be helpful but I am sensitive about certain things. 

I’m here because there are no face to face humans who would understand, but I hate that we hide behind computer screens. It freaks me out not knowing who’s on the other end or who’s trolling and what “trolling” really entails. I’m not overly paranoid. It’s a healthy caution. I think there’s just so much going on that I get overwhelmed and push delete.

Overall, I am doing okay.

I’m exhausted. Having arthritis at my age is one thing but being a full time working single mom, with so much fluctuations in the weather, it’s been a hard week. Plus I’m sleeping on a pull out sofa. I’m stiff and in pain but I’m okay. 

Whats underneat all the “I’m okay” and “I can handle this” crap, is a bunch of unknown and uncomfortable feelings related to my past. In some ways, my past is right in front of me. It’s impossible to avoid. I’m confused about a few things and it keeps hitting me this week how much I belittle everything. That’s just the way life was. I think I’m beginning to accept that it was a nightmare and that’s hard. But it enables me to be compassionate with myself regarding my marriage. It’s the reason this nightmare seemed so normal. I am not going to continue down the road I’ve been on. It’s time to stop running. I would like to be brave.