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....but i didn't. I had a really bad anxiety attack. I guess that was what it was. It happened while I was working, which is never good. I was finishing up an appointment at a large hospital. I am used to this hospital and it is easy to get around in but it is a pretty busy place. I had helped my client down to patient discharge and once she was picked up i went back up to the lobby floor to use the ATM and bathroom. Bathroom was first. I caught sight of myself in the mirror and was disgusted by what I saw. I started the whole self loathing thing then got really angry with myself. Felt so out of control of food and weight....no point in living,,,,i'm repulsive....can't stop...hopeless etc. I started making my way down the hall to the ATM. I needed cash for the parking garage. Suddenly people where too close. i couldn't breath. I wanted to hit people...they were just too close. I got to the ATM only to see that it was out of order. I walked back down the long hallway towards the info desk to find out where the other ATM had been moved to. Through all those people...again. They were still too close and I was just about in tears. The guy at the info desk told me to go back down to the first ATM and take a right. Ugh! It was getting ugly...all those people...too close. Finally got some cash and once more down the hallway. I stopped to get an iced coffee for the drive home. I was at the little kiosk putting a couple of sugars in it when a woman came up beside me and reached for the cream. I saw her arm and came so close to grabbing it. I have never been that close to laying my hands on anyone. i just shoved a couple of sugars in my pocket and grabbed a straw and headed to the parking garage. i was in tears by the time I got to my car.
I'm home and ok but damn.....
I'm home and ok but damn.....
Whatever it means, in your world, to be good to you .... you owe that to yourself.
Something harmless ... ideally, something beneficial.
But something that feels like an indulgence ... a treat.
And you MADE it. You didn't drop. You didn't assault anybody.
You MADE it !!!
By the time I dragged my tired bones to class today, I was to the point I felt like growling at my students like an old junkyard dog. Hope to rest up and get human again my Monday.
Glad you hung on to your wits, too. It ain't easy, sometimes.
I'm in my comfy chair watching The Adams Family.
'Don't torture yourself Gomez, that's my job"
And a good laugh. The Adams family--"that's my job, Gomez." Ha.
i echo muji, i am okay or not hour to hour these days.... pamper yourself, you deserve it
Hugs thank fully it is Saturday, class done. Hugs girl you did good.
Years ago in the 1980s when I'd just begun therapy for PTSD, I spent a night feeling suicidal. I mean I really wanted to kill myself. I was caught in a rage of self-hatred over all of this pain.
But I knew I was basically a good person, and there were others out there who deserved hatred and death at least as much as I did. So I made myself focus. I made myself a deal: I could only take myself out with suicide if I balanced out the equation by homicide and took some jerk who really deserved it with me.
I diverted that hot suicidal compulsion that night by putting my mind to figuring out who that homicide victim would be. Charles Manson? Saddam Hussein? (still alive then) How would I get to my choice? How would I do it? And then do me?
The details exhausted my suicidal manic energy, and my conscience got the best of me by dawn. Even if I put my own value as low as being on the same level as Charles Manson, I was better than ole Charlie because I was at least capable of worrying about right and wrong. I wasn't totally done yet.
I'm offering a peek into a full blown nutty episode, I know. But I tell it to support that what you said about torturing yourself is true. We're more cruel to ourselves than any cruelty we'd inflict on others, even on others who deserve it.
Be good to yourself, my friend.
After that horrible dinner party, I drove home and it should've taken 40 minutes. But I was in such a state, I took the freeway and couldn't get off and wound up in my home town, 1.5 hours away!!! I remember holding my steering wheel so hard and screaming at the top of my lungs. Right out of a movie. I wound up at my parents doorstep in tears at midnight. I came in, went to the bathroom, got some coffee and went back into the car and got back to my house at 2 am.
Anxiety/Mania is a b*tch.
What a severe butt hole that ex was to introduce you at the dinner party that way.
Why is it that sometimes I'd rather face a hail of hot lead bullets than a a smarmy put down like that in a social setting? A thing like that cuts to the core. I totally understand your screaming car ride afterwards. I might have actually bent my steering wheel into a pretzel.
Yeah, there's nothing like getting triggered into an anxiety attack like that.
Muji