theres people here who can build you up, encourage you and give you warm fuzzys but you and I know this doesn't help. dont get me wrong the people here are cool but compliments dont help
maintenance drugs is mandatory for some. drug free or alcohol free or med free doesnt work for some. me included. completely sober Im a wreck and flashbacks dibilitating, life ruining
question though, after detox did you try doc meds to set straight?
doc meds only help so much for me and have to combine with other coping habits
I did the psych hospital and didnt help. did time locked up and that shit made it worse like you
I think if you can function, even if it assisted in crutches, do it because whats the other choice?
I know some people are going to talk about healing but after a certain point of trauma, as my doc explains it, there is no healing because it changes the structure of the brain, maintenance of a somewhat normal life is the best ya can shoot for. just keep it low and dont go full on into a spiral. maintenance is the key here

Thank you for your response.
I have posted here many years ago. I don't want to disclose my full story, but I'll give you an idea. My Mom had Munchaussen's Syndrome. She forced me to take hardcore psych drugs, even when I didn't need them. So I have a serious resentment/refusal to take them. (Or engage in anything dealing with psychology.)
I deliberately stopped taking my Lexapro for a reason. (Which I decided to take MYSELF, under MY control.) It's all about control. I refuse to take things that are prescribed to me properly. I need to feel a sense of control. It's twisted and sick, but I'm being honest.
Thanks for your feedback. I'm trying to keep an open mind with medication.

I don't know if this will help, but there are some programs that offer free therapy/training for people who work in high level professions that deal with addiction but don't want to have to discuss it with their employers. This might be something worth looking into? It would allow you to seek treatment while simultaneously keeping your job. :)

not asking for full story but I get the aversion to meds. just keep in mind you are in control of what meds you take now

I actually work in the entertainment industry, and am signed under a talent agency. I'm starting to garner mild success and media exposure. I'm terrified of breaking my career, before it really takes off. I feel that I have earned my spot, and I'm not wiling to give it up. I have my claws stuck on it, because it's the only success I've ever experienced. I come from nothing.
That's why I'm really struggling. The industry I'm in doesn't wait. I'm terrified of my agent dumping me if she knows.

i'm not going to say anything about healing. but i would like to present a reality check i had to go through. did you decide to inflict the trauma on yourself that left you with PTSD? i sure as hell didn't do it to myself. unfortunately though i have to go through the rest of my life stuck with the results of other people's horrible choices. However, i refuse to live a life carrying their shame as if I somehow deserve it. it sucks. but i gave up sugar coating it a long time ago.

now this doesn't take the flashbacks away, it doesn't take pull of my addictions away, it doesn't take the pain away, it is never going to rewrite my past, and yes the chemistry of my brain and body is forever altered, but it does give me control of me and my choices.

have you heard the saying when you act like you know what your doing noone will question you? i have a back ground in the theatre world myself. its all about how you get people to look at you. my advice is OWN IT BABY!!!! If you can find a way to know that you have no need to be ashamed it will radiate off of you. and they all love that type!

i forgot to say though, in owning it show that there is no shame in getting the help you need.

of course i'm no doctor or therapist. i just prefer being honest instead of living with shame and fear for something that we never chose to have happen to us.

oh and i use you in a general sense not directly at you sorry

Welcome to the forum, CS.

Daily maintenance is my personal most trusted treatment. Pick a program and make it work. Program hopping is one of the more destructive forces in my personal recovery. Moving to a new program every time I hit a crisis fed my psychosis far more than it ever helped it. Practicing and developing my skills with a single set of psycho-tools might have been the first glimmer of stability I ever tasted in my wind-blown life.

I have fallen off the proverbial wagon way more than once in my chosen personal maintenance plan, with lots of need to get creative as my life has evolved, but. . . All part of the learning curve.

But each of us is unique. Gentle support while you find what works for you, CS. Welcome aboard.

Congratulations on being a survivor and facing your challenges. You've got to give yourself credit for that. I guess you have already tried programs like AA? Its ongoing support with a mentor and is good for people that need that sort of thing. You can relapse even and they understand and try to get you back on track. Its not for everyone but I have seen successes with it. It even has social outings so you can go out sometimes and not be exposed to temptation. Good luck with your new life.

Are you implying I caused my own PTSD, Darkgypsy?
I can't state enough I come from an abusive, traumatic background. Please tell me I'm reading your post wrong, because it's actually enraging me. It's throwing me over the edge, because it feels like you're invalidating all of my pain.
My Mom had Munchaussen Syndrome, and my Dad was an alcoholic that beat me growing up. Physical and mental abuse on both sides. I don't think I did ANYTHING to deserve that. Not a damn thing.
Yes, I've tried AA/NA. I hate meetings. Everyone is so cliquey, and once they find out I'm an atheist, they immediately outcast me like a pariah. It's terrible.
I just feel lost and confused.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3WzMpjtkrs

And I'm atheist too.

Hugs

My only advice is to love yourself. If you can't do that, then like yourself. If you can't do that, then like yourself for 5 minutes a day.

Thanks for the link. I'll check it out. It's good to know there's other atheists out there.
Also, I'd like to apologize to Darkgypsy. I misinterpreted your post, I'm a bit intoxicated.

Hmm...as regards psych meds? They may make it way easier to cope with the PTSD...
BUT...
It depends on what med and how your body reacts to it.
...remember, this time you have the power to say no to any drug you are given.

...if you must use illicit drugs anyway, my ex-guy tripped on MXE. ( also known as roflcopter and other things). He said it permanently reduced flashbacks. It's a dissociative drug.

Cannabidiol oil seems to be helpful for some people as far as PTSD symptoms; get a legit source.

HI and Welcome current.... I am so sorry that you have had to endure such terrible abuse and pain... I can't imagine living with Munchausen by proxy... I'm hugging you..

Regarding addiction.... "I believe" rehabilitation for addiction is something that you have to complete accept and throw yourself into if you're ever going to get well OR people end up relapsing over and over again or spending their life 'white knuckling it'

You are denying yourself the medication that will probably help you and instead using what's sinking you current.... Alcohol is a depressant and you're suffering from major depression... It's the opposite of the type of med you need to help with stability

If you are willing to embrace rehabilitation with the same passion you feel about using you can gain sobriety ... You can turn your life around... The reason places like AA or NA are so successful is that people need something to do with all of the time that they spent using substances before... I'm sure that there are places that are not faith based

I think then finding a good psychiatrist would be a great start... Your GP can refer you if you are willing... He/she can start you on medication and when you're fairly stable on meds (and it often takes time to find the right med/combo) then you can be referred for trauma therapy

There is really good help to be had current however it's not easy... It's hard and painful ... The payoff is so very worthwhile though

DS is a great site... Welcome!!... Big hug...x

Thank you so much, SunCloud. I'm happy you know what Munchaussen Syndrome is. It's exhausting having to explain it to everybody.
Thank you for your support and welcome. I'm currently struggling to stay sober, but I'm doing it one minute at a time.
Thank you all for your support.