Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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For medical reasons I am unable to participate in certain types of sports. Though I still participate way more than I have to, there's still a lot I can't do and aforementioned types are the ones we do at school the most.
Then again, when I *can* participate, I am actually really good, better than most even (it's taken me a lot of time to realise that, I always thought that I'm unathletic, but I'm actually really not), and I have a doctor's certificate for the stuff I can't do so it doesn't affect my grades.
Well, it still does. My sports teacher says she can't give me good grades because I don't participate enough. So, my sports grades suck. I mean, I can see that it would be unfair towards the others to give me good grades since I do so much less, but it's still frustrating to get shitty grades while being one of the best and doing as much as I'm physically able to without impairing my health.
Today, my favourite teacher overheard venting my frustration regarding this to my friend, so he asked me about it and I explained the situation to him.
He got angry. On my behalf. Gave me a big lecture on why I am being treated unfairly and have the right to be pissed and demand better grades and my friend agreed with him. Then he said he would talk to his colleague, see what he can do about it. I told him that that's not necessary, but he insisted, which I suppose is nice?
So yeah, my brain only came up with *ERROR* on how to react to that. I've learned that if I don't stand up for myself, no one's gonna do it for me, and I've also learned how to pick my fights, which things are worth the effort and energy and which ones aren't. Also I feel a bit uncomfortable about others putting themselves to any bother on my account. I don't want to cause trouble and despite my frustration, my sports teacher isn't wrong!
Usually I'd be the first to defend others, especially people I care about, but having others do the same for me is new. Hell, most of the time I don't think it's worth the trouble to fight for myself with matters as small as this one, usually it's not even worth getting angry. Might be a part of my self-sabotaging, now that I think about it...hmm.
I just don't really know what to do with this. I suppose I'm grateful (?) I don't know. Throw a crisis at me and I'll be perfectly calm and in control. Do something nice for me and I'm at a complete loss. It's kinda pathetic.
Then again, when I *can* participate, I am actually really good, better than most even (it's taken me a lot of time to realise that, I always thought that I'm unathletic, but I'm actually really not), and I have a doctor's certificate for the stuff I can't do so it doesn't affect my grades.
Well, it still does. My sports teacher says she can't give me good grades because I don't participate enough. So, my sports grades suck. I mean, I can see that it would be unfair towards the others to give me good grades since I do so much less, but it's still frustrating to get shitty grades while being one of the best and doing as much as I'm physically able to without impairing my health.
Today, my favourite teacher overheard venting my frustration regarding this to my friend, so he asked me about it and I explained the situation to him.
He got angry. On my behalf. Gave me a big lecture on why I am being treated unfairly and have the right to be pissed and demand better grades and my friend agreed with him. Then he said he would talk to his colleague, see what he can do about it. I told him that that's not necessary, but he insisted, which I suppose is nice?
So yeah, my brain only came up with *ERROR* on how to react to that. I've learned that if I don't stand up for myself, no one's gonna do it for me, and I've also learned how to pick my fights, which things are worth the effort and energy and which ones aren't. Also I feel a bit uncomfortable about others putting themselves to any bother on my account. I don't want to cause trouble and despite my frustration, my sports teacher isn't wrong!
Usually I'd be the first to defend others, especially people I care about, but having others do the same for me is new. Hell, most of the time I don't think it's worth the trouble to fight for myself with matters as small as this one, usually it's not even worth getting angry. Might be a part of my self-sabotaging, now that I think about it...hmm.
I just don't really know what to do with this. I suppose I'm grateful (?) I don't know. Throw a crisis at me and I'll be perfectly calm and in control. Do something nice for me and I'm at a complete loss. It's kinda pathetic.
You are not pathetic, Neo. I dare to say you are learning to receive goodness.
just throwing this out there- the teacher and friend could be like you in that they race to champion others while still learning to stand up for themselves.
My friend is defenitely someone who does it. He has very low self-esteem (though he shouldn't, he's one of the best people I've met) and he doesn't do anything for himself, but gladly for others.
My teacher I'm not sure about, I don't know him as well as my friend, though he has tried to be there for me and support me for years. He knows about PTSD and I trust him. Years ago my [censored] of a father came to my school to talk to me (and when I say talk I mean to spend hours telling me what a horrible person I am and in what ways I deserve to suffer. He's quite creative in that regard.) and that teacher let me hide in a classroom while I had a bad flashback (triggered by my father). He started to try and get me to open up and now he's like a mentor for me.
"I've learned that if I don't stand up for myself, no one's gonna do it for me, and I've also learned how to pick my fights, which things are worth the effort and energy and which ones aren't."
You're 19 ... and you already know this ??
That's huge. That's wisdom. That escapes people who've lived decades longer than you.
[pats Neo on the back]
Because guess what? It's not fair.
I strongly suspect the instructor has to either grade you on what you CAN do safely or provide alternatives.
If this is high school? Principal's...because again, you ought to be offered an alternative you CAN do.
Obviously they have mistaken me for someone worth their time?
I also have difficulty accepting help and compliments. I feel awkward and my anxiety increases. When you are raised always hearing negative things it is hard to accept something positive.
To what David said: Thanks, but I think of it more as cynicism than wisdom. Since with PTSD and insomnia energy can sometimes be in short supply, I need to consider carefully which fights will pay off. It's an attitude/skill that's proven itself to be useful.
Btw, I'm 18, not 19, I was just too lazy to scroll down to the right date when I signed up on DS. Might change that...
I admit I'm glad most of you would've thought I was older, I sometimes worry about being unhelpful/childish since I'm so much younger than most here. But many people have actually told me that I'm rather mature for my age. Might have something to do with having to look after myself, I don't know. My PTSD is the result of multiple unconnected traumas, so it's a gigantic mess and I never know which issue is a result of which trauma(s)/aggravating corcumstance.
bluedragon: I'm in my last few weeks of high school (can't wait to be finished), but my school sorta screwed up and we haven't had a principal for two years (long story), so organisation is pretty much non-existant at that school.