Hi everyone. I'm new here and looking for advice, as I am at my wits' end. Let me explain.

Currently, I have been suffering with PTSD flashbacks and near constant panic attacks for about half a year now, that have sapped, not only me, but one of my family members of the energy needed to just go on and deal with all this, but as with everyone, the story starts a lot earlier than that. I'll try to keep it as brief as I can.

I was born in Romania to a father who was a coal miner, and a mother who was a housewife. We weren't well off by any means, not exactly a family of doctors or Managers as you can tell, but we weren't the poorest of the poor either,as dad had a high risk job for 25 years before retiring(early, as one does from this kind of job). I have one older brother. It was a pretty nice life we had back there to be honest with you. There was no domestic abuse or anything like people tend to assume when they hear I have PTSD. That has nothing to do with my home life. Anyways, neither my father nor my mother were exactly socialites, neither of them really had any real friends growing up or by the time I was born, so I guess it's no surprise my brother and I didn't really either. We were both introverts, got bullied, the whole thing, but it wasn't so bad to be honest. We both had a real friend in each other, my brother found one more when he started high school, and frankly I wasn't really interested in having a ton of fake friends either. I was always a very private person with everyone other than close family, and I mostly saw the other kids as a nuisance I must tolerate while I'm out of the house to get things done.

My brother kind of got pressured into eventually doing accounting for university, which is not what he originally planned on doing nor something he liked. He went there, got progressively more depressed, and eventually chose not to finish. It caused a great deal of arguments, because it was a high-paying job so he should've finished it and all that, I honestly stood by him on his decision back then, no point to torturing yourself doing something you hate for a higher wage, right? Well, dad retired and we didn't have so much money anymore and everyone was pretty fussed about what we'd do about the money. We had a relative who lived in the UK and there were a lot of people leaving the country to work so we, in our minds that could not even grasp the culture shock at the time, thought a fresh start sounded like a great idea. So we eventually moved. And that's when the cascade started.

See, school in romania was a dull thing. Everyone hated it, no-one liked it, everyone wouldn't spend a moment longer there than necessary, bookworms like me included. Everyone saw it as work and a drudgery, and no-one uselessly tried to make it '' fun''. We all had our lives outside it, everyone had friends outside it or hobbies outside it and there was just no point making those things more boring by bringing them into a setting where you couldn't do it properly. No one took it too seriously and it a very unglamorous and disliked part of one's life that took a backseat to the things that truly made life worth living for that person, and even the staff understood that. They saw it the same way. Like most people saw work back there anyways. Then I move to the UK and I am thrust into the cult and lifestyle that is the education system here. Here if you don't have a group of friends you're done for. If you're not popular, your grades suffer. They sit you up and ask you facts about all your classmates because everyone is supposed to know everyone. They have programs to also get rid of "cliques" so that everyone is socializing with everyone. You're supposed to open up to everyone and you have no right or power to say no. To say, no, I don't want to make any friends, no, I don't want to stay longer than necessary, to say, no I don't want to join any clubs. You're forced, and in that process, they take your identity, your very self, and they steal it, they take away from you bit by bit as you are forced to open up and fit in, they try to replace it with a different person that was not you and never will be, a person that likes things you always disliked, whose entire social life, scratch that, life revolves around the place. They assume you can't possibly have friends outside there. Anything you do outside there must be brought there so they can know that about you too... It was... À lot.

And that's how I got PTSD about opening up about anything to anyone. Honestly, I would've taken the bullying from back home any day. It was over such a long period of time too, months, years, that now I feel I have literally thousands of triggers to deal with as a result. I had to drop out eventually, so the good news is that I'm never going back to a place like that ever again(though if this hadn't happened, I probably could've gone on to university). I've stayed home ever since, but a year later, the triggers still haunt me.

I'm 19 now and the past half a year I've spent going through crisis after crisis and it's not only taken a toll on me. My parents were always very emotionally distant people, and it took them more than four years to even understand what PTSD is and how something which is not hunger or cold or physical pain can possibly affect someone, so my brother was basically my only carer, and he's worn out. He's showing all the signs of caregiver burnout, his depression also relapsed bad ever since I've had nothing but triggers to cope with for the past few months, and I feel so thoroughly overwhelmed I'm barely staying afloat myself. One of my biggest triggers is something people casually reference in completely unrelated content all the time and I feel like ever since lock down drew out through this past year, people started throwing unrelated references around even more than before and it's been killing me. It's literally impossible to escape anymore or have any sort of break or respite and I just don't have the presence or clarity of mind to deal with what's been going on with him as well. Even my parents, who are usually extremely emotionally resilient to the point of being stony are getting stressed out by seeing me scream and cry and doing the only thing which I've found disrupts the negative thoughts during an attack, bashing my head on walls to the point I've been getting constant headaches and temporary hearing loss has been causing my mom to start getting hypertension. I often wind up worsening my brother's depression a lot of the time during attacks, because I really don't know what I'm doing, and then later I réalise all the things I've done wrong knowing I wasn't even thinking straight at the time. I can't exactly convince him to go to therapy either because I haven't had much success with it either. In fact, it's only ever made things worse(much,much worse) and I've been to 3 therapists and 1 psychiatrist by now. None of them even ever gave me a clear plan of what they were setting out to do, they all just endlessly said that it gets worse before it gets better even after 8 months of sessions, so I have a hard time believing there are any out there that don't care about their paychecks first and you second. Long term having to endlessly talk to them about my trauma only to feel invalidated and never get a clear answer as to what I should actually do when I feel suicidal other than bull**** little things like repeating to myself that I am getting better at dealing with my anxiety every day have only worsened my state on the long term by creating more associations with the trauma and therefore more triggers and it was really expensive too. I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.

Thanks to anyone who bothers to answer in advance.