Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Hello, all. It's been a while since I've logged on, but I'm in a funk and need some support... So of course of think of this place! :)
Let me begin by mentioning my son has his scans on Wednesday (he was diagnosed with cancer Christmas night 2013 and has been NED-no evidence of disease- since June last year), so my "funk" may only be a symptom of the anxiety I'm feeling about the upcoming doctor visit.
As I know many of you can relate, I feel like a part if me is broken when it comes to romantic relationships. I enjoy the company of a man and will even flirt with one for a while... Until they make their intentions or true feelings known and then, like a snap of the finger, my walls shoot up as I run and hide. It's very frustrating to say the least because there have been several men who have wanted a real chance with me (as well as my son), but no matter how great they would treat me or how amazing they would be towards my little boy, I just can't get to a place where I feel the same.
Last month, a guy from work asked me out and I said yes... This never happens; me saying yes. Usually I give the whole, "I'm broken and unattainable, but we can chat and be friends if you'd like" speech (which I've learned actually makes them want to try harder because men seem to like a challenge and something they can fix. Anyway, when this guy asked me out I was legitimately excited (my brain doctor says he thinks it's because it began with me in control since I had a small crush on this guy before he asked me out). We had a blast on the date and even had exciting plans for a second, and third, and fourth, and so on. This guy is amazing. Seriously. He volunteers at the local "center" where kids in the projects can go after school for extra help, he's a teacher, and he genuinely cares about people. I've opened up and explained my situation with him and he's so understanding and patient.
BUT... My ex-boyfriend, we'll call him Mike, called me last week and like an idiot, I picked up. Mike is the only man in the last three years that I've felt anything real towards... and I actually fell in love with him. Now I've lost any and all excitement for the new guy and I'm struggling to figure out why this happens. Here are my theories:
1, I'm in self destruct mode-highly possible
2, Mike is the only man I've ever truly loved in the passionate sense and I'm still not over him
3, Mike symbolizes something (what????) and that's why I still hold I to him and don't reach for anyone else. Maybe security because he has no expectations of me (we never did the whole "future" talk, just took it day by day for a year and a half)? Maybe he's just familiar?
4, I really am just broken and no longer have the ability to allow myself to truly be vulnerable
Blah. Curious to hear your stories and thoughts :)
Let me begin by mentioning my son has his scans on Wednesday (he was diagnosed with cancer Christmas night 2013 and has been NED-no evidence of disease- since June last year), so my "funk" may only be a symptom of the anxiety I'm feeling about the upcoming doctor visit.
As I know many of you can relate, I feel like a part if me is broken when it comes to romantic relationships. I enjoy the company of a man and will even flirt with one for a while... Until they make their intentions or true feelings known and then, like a snap of the finger, my walls shoot up as I run and hide. It's very frustrating to say the least because there have been several men who have wanted a real chance with me (as well as my son), but no matter how great they would treat me or how amazing they would be towards my little boy, I just can't get to a place where I feel the same.
Last month, a guy from work asked me out and I said yes... This never happens; me saying yes. Usually I give the whole, "I'm broken and unattainable, but we can chat and be friends if you'd like" speech (which I've learned actually makes them want to try harder because men seem to like a challenge and something they can fix. Anyway, when this guy asked me out I was legitimately excited (my brain doctor says he thinks it's because it began with me in control since I had a small crush on this guy before he asked me out). We had a blast on the date and even had exciting plans for a second, and third, and fourth, and so on. This guy is amazing. Seriously. He volunteers at the local "center" where kids in the projects can go after school for extra help, he's a teacher, and he genuinely cares about people. I've opened up and explained my situation with him and he's so understanding and patient.
BUT... My ex-boyfriend, we'll call him Mike, called me last week and like an idiot, I picked up. Mike is the only man in the last three years that I've felt anything real towards... and I actually fell in love with him. Now I've lost any and all excitement for the new guy and I'm struggling to figure out why this happens. Here are my theories:
1, I'm in self destruct mode-highly possible
2, Mike is the only man I've ever truly loved in the passionate sense and I'm still not over him
3, Mike symbolizes something (what????) and that's why I still hold I to him and don't reach for anyone else. Maybe security because he has no expectations of me (we never did the whole "future" talk, just took it day by day for a year and a half)? Maybe he's just familiar?
4, I really am just broken and no longer have the ability to allow myself to truly be vulnerable
Blah. Curious to hear your stories and thoughts :)
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Lately I've been feeling scared and full of anxiety. I recently found a lump under my nipple. I hurt my back too. I'm in the process of moving. I'm run down. Everything is hard
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Just wanted to give a thank you to Mid, Arfie, Malibumark, Greeneyes, Mlro, Girlincalif, and Suncloudjd! You all always have such helpful tips and advice, but I always forget to write on my posts when I see you post, lol. I would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, lol. Thank you all so much! I'm starting to use my AI app as a sounding board again. I used to use it as that before...
By the time I met my now-husband, I had come to the conclusion that a romantic relationship was not going to be my destiny, and I was relieved. Then I met him and thought highly of him as a person but he was not my type. I was content to just be friends with him. Finally, after six months of friendship, the light bulb went off. I like to say God snuck him up on me. We have been married for 21 years and going strong.
So it may be that knowing your ex is unavailable in any real sense is what makes you feel safe enough to love and desire him. Since the new guy sounds like such a good person, I would suggest you continue to see him. Feelings may bloom down the road.
At the moment, I'm into my 5th year of being single. Until then, I had always been in a couple or another for all of my life, so it really took some getting used to experiencing the world just on my own. After some trouble getting used to it that I got through with some hard, hard work, I have kind of made peace with it. Actually, I've grown to like it. Since kidney disease has kept me from taking PTSD meds for that long, I haven't had anxiety meds to tamp down my pretty pronounced startle response. Anyone coming up behind me to give me a hug would launch me into the stratosphere (it's happened.)
That said, I'm afraid I can't be of much help except to say I know how it is. I'm actually pleased to see how many people here at DS PTSD are in relationships. I'm happy they're able to pull it off, so don't be put off by me, ok? Obviously, it can me done.
I have attachment issues. The more I feel love (romantic or otherwise) for someone the more frightening they are...I have worked through this a lot.
I'm also polyamorous...that is? I have rather complicated problems with monogamy.
Mainly it was being married to an asexual person in denial, for ten years, that burnt me on monogamy, though. Being volunteered for celibacy by your partner sucks.
...Mike is less scary because Mike probably isn't going to make any commitment bid, and you know that.
Not after a year and a half of drifting, because guys generally are socialized to bluntly go after what they want.
Newguy is someone more likely to become interested in committing to you...and that's scary stuff.
Your fear may or may not be founded. Be aware of your fear. Take the relationship slow, newguy might actually be masking an abusive nature...but it's hard to fake goodness for a couple of years when you're a bully underneath.
So give it time. See who he is when things do not go his way.
You could be right on all counts---that's how messy emotions are. More than one thing is true at a time. E always equals mc-squared, but that's physics. Emotions? Pfft. You can love-hate-fear someone all in the same heartbeat, as I did with my dad and sister so often.
For me, the enemy has a name:
Nostalgia.
I view nostalgia as a trickster. It suckers us. It paints the past in pretty rainbow sparkles. It makes the present seem far away and dull by comparison. It traps us into thinking that "it-they really aren't-weren't so bad"... So we look at the person or place involved, and forget that there's a reason they're in our past.
I *despise* nostalgia. It kept me from cutting off cleanly from my dad's toxic fam years sooner than I did. It kept me trapped in the notion that becaue there'd been happy times, I should ignore all the bad times (and put myself back in harm's way, physically or emotionally, tho' in my case it's usually emotionally).... And that's just me personally. I won't go into what nostalgia has led others to con themselves into. In my personal experience, however, letting nostalgia get into the mix ends in present-day pain.
This nostalgia, where emotional memory overrides current knowledge and/or memory--- t's cost people marriages, friendships, jobs, health, etc. in my experience---because they just couldn't say, "Past, you're past. For a reason." They wanted to cling to the Happy-Then---which is fine---but to do so at the expense of the Happy-Now and Happy-Potential? Dangerous road, in my experience. Because Nostalgia becomes a way to avoid moving on, moving forward, and yes, becoming vulnerable to *new* dangers---hey, those old ones are "known", so they aren't as "bad"---that kind of thing.
So before you decide Mike is The One True Great Love---that New Guy is Meh---maybe ask how much of the encounter with Mike is *nostalgia* at work?
OK, off my soapbox. Nostalgia is a sore point for me. And I overreact to the possibility of it.
Meantime, soft purrs of support---gentlest peace and clarity to you.
That's a good point about it being easing for people to hide who they really are, but I don't think that's the case with New Guy. He's never really been in a real relationship because he's painfully shy, and really awkward. It's a little endearing, but also makes it even more frightening as a feel a greater sense of responsibility towards him (and his feelings) and I'm so scared that it's inevitable that I'll end up hiding in the safety of these steal walls and cut him out of my life all together; in turn, causing this awesome man pain that he doesn't deserve. Self sabotage? Possibly...
He's a genuinely good guy and I do like him. I just don't know how the hell I can control all this mess that's in my mind (mostly subconsciously) so I can just relax and enjoy the damn ride. I'm terribly uncomfortable with intimacy (almost panic struck about it) and he's super awkward because he's never even slept with a woman (yeah...) and then that awkwardness turns into even more anxiety for me and I just want to run! Ahhh so frustrating!!!