Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
so without going into a great amount of detail, I was sexually assaulted and tortured when i was 6 years old, by a neighbor. I told no one. I kept that secret for around 34 years. When i actually told my wife what had happened, the memories and emotions came flooding in uncontrollably. I had nightmares constantly, so i just tried my best to not sleep, but then while awake i would have flashbacks. I was a complete mess. This happened while i was trying to start a new business. That business failed. I just could not hold on to anything. I actually made a suicide attempt in August of 2009. Since then I've been getting a lot more help. But it's still very difficult to concentrate, and remember things.
As i understand it, it is not unusual for a person to have such an intense emotional reaction to an event that happened so long ago, when that person had suppressed the memory of it. I mean its not like i had forgotten that it happened, I just shoved that memory in the back of my head, and now after i have said out loud what happened, I no longer have the ability to hide the memory from myself. I still have clear images stuck in my head. I just wish i could get rid of these images... get rid of the memories.
Ive recently lost my job (and my insurance) so i am no longer seeing a pdoc or taking any medication. soooo I am just trying to figure out how to deal with all of this mess without professional help.
Just out of curiosity... how long to the symptoms of PTSD last? I'm on my third year.
As i understand it, it is not unusual for a person to have such an intense emotional reaction to an event that happened so long ago, when that person had suppressed the memory of it. I mean its not like i had forgotten that it happened, I just shoved that memory in the back of my head, and now after i have said out loud what happened, I no longer have the ability to hide the memory from myself. I still have clear images stuck in my head. I just wish i could get rid of these images... get rid of the memories.
Ive recently lost my job (and my insurance) so i am no longer seeing a pdoc or taking any medication. soooo I am just trying to figure out how to deal with all of this mess without professional help.
Just out of curiosity... how long to the symptoms of PTSD last? I'm on my third year.
6 years ago, the PTDS was when my memories of traumas flooded all at once. Out my mouth came everything I ever needed to tell every person I had ever met. My ability to speak 100% of my mind happened in about 2 seconds but in constant uncontrollable words flooding out my mouth. I began insanely talking and yelling and crying to people all day and night that are not in my apartment. Immediately came the flashbacks and reality. It's been 6 years and the "thinking out loud" (I call it) to people all day still goes on. Even while driving my car I automatically look over at the passenger side, verbally responding to what a person would be saying to me, but I don't hear anything or see anyone.
This 6th year, I've gotten past most all the pain, rage and anger and have reached forgiveness. I feel a big sense of freedom. It took a lot of picking up pillows and beating the wall crying out the pain to release the rage. I'm still in hallucinations from the brain misfiring, causing the thinking out loud all day and night. The talking to people who are not hear happens all by itself. It is not anything I can control. During the breakdown, something in the brain snapped. Like an electricity misfire. That is why the thinking out loud doesn't stop. But it has slowed down.
The breakdown has lasted 6 years so far. My "brain function" has permanently decreased so much from PTSD that I still have problems concentrating and remembering things. I was suicidal for the 1st 3 years of having no touch of reality and had to be monitored 3X a week at home by my counselor. Now it's just once a week. During the 1st 3 years, I kept myself home during that time because I knew if I didn't, I would be going out one by one killing everybody who had harmed me. If I wasn't a Christian, I would have killed several people. I've got a grip on all that now. I rejected all meds during the 1st year of the breakdown because I knew the drugs would just supress the rage, anger and pain that had to keep coming out. After 6 years, the images and memories are still there, but have faded a lot. But I don't think it can ever be completely gone. Just what's left over managed.
I spent about five years in counselling and it does help as far as venting goes. In the end, however, it will be only you that will know what is best for yourself. Try to avoid 200,000 bits of advice from outsiders - it's hard to sort through all that. Advice has a way to come across as being judgemental and traumatizing in itself.
Talk to those who are willing to listen and not judge. I am stressing this because only you are in the situation you're in. You solely possess the direct link to what it is you need.
Welcome to the group.