Hi

This is a tough one. It's one that lots of us are probably familiar with. It's one that therapists can work a long time on, to help their clients.

I could ask you for more specifics, if you're comfortable doing that, but ... in the meantime ... my two cents.....

PTSD is fundamentally an anxiety disorder. Much of the challenge is managing our own anxiety, particularly when we're triggered.

When we're triggered ... obviously ... it's hard to be "cool" or level-headed or rational. It's just hard to stay on an even keel.

Sometimes, then, it may be better NOT to try to set the boundary while we're triggered or anxious. Maybe that's a better time to walk away.

When things ARE calmer, I'm a big believe in a couple things:

1) Direct, open, and honest communication. Be clear;

2) Try not to phrase things in terms of "you" (like ... "You always do that to me....."). If possible, phrase it in terms of "I," coupled with how I feel (like ... when you yell, I feel horribly anxious.")

For this kind of communication to work, you pretty much have to stay fairly calm. Nobody listens well when they're being barked at.

I think it's also good to try to focus on one issue, and not a laundry list of all the grievances you have with a person.

Hey. If we could just make ONE thing in EACH of our relationships work better ... how great would that be ??

I wish you all the best of luck on this. Boundaries really are kind of a BIG chapter in The Big Book of PTSD :-)

Here's an "I" statement.. "I think you are a piece of ....". Be careful there. Also with ones like "When you do this then I...." it's still a you statement. The main idea of this concept is not to get so personal but to speak either more generally, like "yelling upsets me', or "I'd like to keep this conversation as constructive as possible".

PTSD used to be in the 'anxiety' category, but I just hear last week that that's been changed. I don't know changed to what.. does anybody know? Is it a category by itself now or what?

When I decided to set some boundaries with my mother, I told her that I thought our relationship was unhealthy, and described a couple of specific things,, and I told her that if and when our conversation started going in those directions that I would have to stop it and leave. an example would be blaming, or yelling, or arguing.. that if we couldn't carry on without doing that then rather than waste our time being stuck in that crap that I would have to leave, and we had to learn better patterns. Then the next few times we talked and the convo went bad, I told her that it was bad, warning, and when it continued I told her I had to leave, and I did. She was very upset for a few times, but then she saw I was consistent and she did try to change the patterns,, and we had longer good convos, and then , after awhile,, she actually thanked me.

Setting boundaries with people in my family is scary because they take it as a personal rejection and become challenging if not attacking. I hope that will not be your experience. What I've learned is, some people you can reason with and some people you just have to train. After many years of trying to explain things to them the way I trained my family was by cutting off contact until and unless they treated me with respect. It worked on 2 out of 3 of them - the third I still have limited contact with. The others are still happy to consider me the problem ("she's so hyper-sensitive!") but I'm okay with that as long as they behave in ways I can deal with.

I try to keep my boundaries simple, direct and flexible. The details of WHY I do not want your brilliant flash light in my eyes is a discussion which we might or might not ever have. I do not owe you an explanation. For now, just find another place to shine your blinding light.

Your desk lamp is yet another subject which might not even need discussion.

It's been a super challengeing thing tondo

HI MB, I am glad to see you reaching for answers. A lot of boundary setting, has to do with knowing yourself. Not for what others do to influence you good or bad, but what you are comfortable with.
I know that a lot of people in your age group won't like this part...but your brain is still forming the pathways and neurons needed to see the consequences of actions in the moment, to what happen (consequences) of the future. Oh if I had a time machine, I would go back and reset a few boundaries I though were good at the moment. My people pleasing to be liked is one. I wish that I knew better what I liked instead of taking what others though was good as being "true" for me.
So if there is anything that would help I would say take things at face value and then sort what fells right just for you and toss the rest. That includes the so called "friends" that trigger you. Why you keep them when they inflict mental pain? doesn't seem like the best thing for you. Some if you are honest with them about what you fight with your anxiety about, may step up and help, or protect you a bit...those are real friends. The ones that trivialize your reactions and continue are not.

Sorry so many typos...need more coffee, and training!

I think you first need to make a list of behaviors that are having this effect on you. Once you name it an claim it, the words will come.

Is the trigger something that could set anyone off? (Like being judgmental?) Or is it something like wearing a certain cologne?

Let's say it's someone who says, "You're just being a drama queen" when you say that you are exhausted. Say, "That's an interesting perspective. Can you explain yourself, because I am having difficulty understanding your perspective." That may just shut them down, or open up dialogue.

Is this more about you and your issues, or more about them and their bad behavior?

If it's more like the cologne example, you can sit them down when you are calm and say, "I am really trying to work on myself, and I've noticed some things that I have difficulty in handling. Do you think you could help me? I'd like to share with you some things that present challenges. Is that something you can do?" If they are kind people, I don't see how they could refuse this request.

You deserve not to be triggered. Setting boundaries helps you and others make safe ground. Keep that in mind.

Hugs.

I just ordered this book that someone recommended to me: "Where to draw the line: how to set healthy boundaries every day".

http://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/0684868067/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

I am super lost in this

K.I.S.S., K.I.S.S., Military Brat.

Keep It Simple, Sweetie. One play at a time.

Your fine I mean trying to set accurate boundaries that are nessicary without causing problems

What have you tried so far?

It's trial and error for us all, you know? We don't know if we built our boundaries as walls that are too high until we feel too isolated. We don't know if our we've built our boundaries as walls that are too low until we feel violated. Isolated/violated, isolated/violated. It's exhausting, but we have to feel the balance of the two in our gut, don't we?

Give yourself a break on this one. It's super important, but none of us is perfect about it. Thanks for the great topic, and I hope you're seeing you're not alone in this. Lots of support to you.