Only you can answer that. Do you feel safe around her? Are you strong enough? Sounds like she isn't dealing with the past; have you?

That is a one heck of a question! Wow! I think this would be a good one to bounce off a therapist. There are to many questions. You need to decide if this will help you or make you worse. I guess it will depend on your Mum's intentions. It must be very confusing for you. I hope you will consider talking to a therapist about it.

I pulled a knife on my dad the last time I saw him.

He brings out the stabby in me like nobody else.

Alex, I strongly advise against it.
she's probably not safe for you to be around.
You care about her. She probably cares about no one but herself, and there's a very good chance she wants to get her hooks into you again for her own purposes.
That could be very bad for you.

I cant give a straight answer here but Im wondering if youve ever talked about the abuse with her. Does she know how it has affected you? I mean her level of understanding is a factor to take into consideration...

I'd run like hell, Alex, but that's me. I was not sexually abused, but at first chance, I got out of my childhood home and have stayed gone. THat's for me, however. I agree, check this with a therapist, and if you do have contact, maybe have it in the therapist's presence? Someone with whom you feel *safe*?

Gentle support.

I had to break contact for my own mental and even physical health. It didn't mean I wasn't a loving person, it meant I had to love myself, too. And care for myself, take care of myself. I got the support of my therapist to make the break and then maintain the boundary. He helped me, giving me readings of other people who did the same (I looked on my book shelf but can't find then now, sorry). He helped me write a goodbye letter that I wouldn't regret later, that I could stand by, that expressed family love but need to be free from the family's past and how it hurt me. Others here report doing similar things. It's not easy, but you're not alone in this.

What I did do, several times, with my father and several siblings was, "Stonewalling." That is where you keep responses minimal with zero information. However, my case is/was extreme. I don't recommend it if another way can be found. It left a seriously toxic rust on my consciousness. I will still take the rust over what they were offering, but...

And at the same time still care about them... Whoever said matters of the heart were simple? Certainly not The Arf...

It's a toughie, Alex. Gentle support while you sort your own.

I tend to view it like an allergy.

Have I beaten the allergy, or ... am I still allergic ?

If I'm still allergic, how bad are my symptoms when I'm around the thing to which I'm allergic ??

Do any medicines help lessen the severity of my symptoms ??

I wish you peace, health, and strength.

Thanks everyone. I am torn between feeling of wanting to meet her and be civil... To wanting to scream and shout and tell how much of an horrific mother she is. It's a difficult situation.

Id like to point out my mother isn't a threat to me in a sexual way. She sexually abused me a few times because the man who abused for years was "turned on" by having her touch me and have sex with me. In exchange he bought her free drugs, yes my life is that fucked up, I was sold for drugs.

Not in a sexual way, no, but she could still manipulate you fairly easily, I think.

...I cut my dad out of my life 21 years ago. If I had not done so I would have had a much harder time healing.

...what do you hope to gain from seeing her?

Is that realistic?

Has she changed at all from being the person willing to sell her child for money?

...I can tell you what stability you do have is at risk if you talk to her, because abusers can go from 0 to toxic in less than 2 seconds.

So it's a big risk.
What rewards can you realistically expect for taking this risk?

I like what David said about it being an allergy us survivors have regarding the effect our former abusers have on us...I too have been struggling with caring about my own Mum and hating her guts at the same time...I have made the decision to keep the hell away from her for my own safety and sanity's sake...can't tell you what to do Alex but she sounds like bad news to me...do whatever it takes to keep you safe...best, Manda xx

What you just said would make me not be able to ever look her in the eyes again.

I have issues with my mother for similar reasons for WAY less than what you described.

I'd stay away and keep my sanity. But that's me.

Your mother doesn't deserve anything from you. If she is contacting you can you bring up to her how she sexually abused you and see what she has to say for herself?