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hi
thank you for your time on reading this .
i'm new to sharing, and really need someone to talk to. you see I've never done anything like this before and reached out for help before, and am petrified. With tears, I am writing to you because it is too much for me take anymore.
I'm just over 40 years old and have lived with my mother my whole life. a miserable life. she is an angry, unreasonable, and contentious woman who is manipulative and leaves me so confused at times.
if she doesn't get her own way - a temper tantrum erupts - and she will continue yelling and repeating herself until she gets what she wants. my life has been rocked by violence - not physical abuse but emotional abuse - with aggressive, violent words, a bad temper (which anything could set her off), yelling, screaming, anger - she is always the one in control. its like walking on eggshells. she continuously blames me that's it my fault that she gets angry, never takes any responsibility, never shows remorse and never, ever apologizes. i don't know if this is bipolar. she is undiagnosed because she absolutely doesn't believe she has any problem.
it has been difficult - financially as well, and we've struggled up until recently. this has made living with her worse. within the last few years, things have turned to a positive and have recently found a good job that pays very well. I told her all about it (in hindsight, maybe shouldn't have) and now am providing her with money each month and trying to save every dollar. my whole life, I've never had any money - no savings to speak of, and was too afraid to leave and be homeless. for the first time in my life, I'm now in a position to help us both (and finally save some money) by working 3 jobs and finally have a say in my life.
Now she is asking for more money (she wants me to spend it all). she also wants to move to another more expensive apartment too with a much higher rent. we only have 3 months remaining on our current lease, yet she insists on leaving now. I'm seriously considering this so that we can finally live separately but haven't told her this yet (too scared). we had lived separately before for 8 glorious months when i returned to school to get my masters degree and lived away on campus - she didn't take that well. had to move back after graduation (had to leave the school's dorm apartments) and money was tight at that time - no job.
now the situation is better, but getting a new apartment for her would be a huge financial burden and will cut any possibility of saving any money.
she also keeps threatening to legally go after me and garnish my salary- she says that the government requires adult children to take care of their parents and that she will report me if i don't. legally don't really know if this is true. I have recorded this conversation (and many others too) so they are on the record. she has sued people before because she has owned her own business so she knows what she is doing.
on the one hand, as a Catholic, I feel obligated to take care of her and continuously forgive her because (as she continuously points out) she has taken care of me my whole life - and i owe her. although i've never taken any money from her so i don't owe her anything.
am unsure what to do next.
Please help if you or someone you know can offer some advice.
tks so much
bnu4
thank you for your time on reading this .
i'm new to sharing, and really need someone to talk to. you see I've never done anything like this before and reached out for help before, and am petrified. With tears, I am writing to you because it is too much for me take anymore.
I'm just over 40 years old and have lived with my mother my whole life. a miserable life. she is an angry, unreasonable, and contentious woman who is manipulative and leaves me so confused at times.
if she doesn't get her own way - a temper tantrum erupts - and she will continue yelling and repeating herself until she gets what she wants. my life has been rocked by violence - not physical abuse but emotional abuse - with aggressive, violent words, a bad temper (which anything could set her off), yelling, screaming, anger - she is always the one in control. its like walking on eggshells. she continuously blames me that's it my fault that she gets angry, never takes any responsibility, never shows remorse and never, ever apologizes. i don't know if this is bipolar. she is undiagnosed because she absolutely doesn't believe she has any problem.
it has been difficult - financially as well, and we've struggled up until recently. this has made living with her worse. within the last few years, things have turned to a positive and have recently found a good job that pays very well. I told her all about it (in hindsight, maybe shouldn't have) and now am providing her with money each month and trying to save every dollar. my whole life, I've never had any money - no savings to speak of, and was too afraid to leave and be homeless. for the first time in my life, I'm now in a position to help us both (and finally save some money) by working 3 jobs and finally have a say in my life.
Now she is asking for more money (she wants me to spend it all). she also wants to move to another more expensive apartment too with a much higher rent. we only have 3 months remaining on our current lease, yet she insists on leaving now. I'm seriously considering this so that we can finally live separately but haven't told her this yet (too scared). we had lived separately before for 8 glorious months when i returned to school to get my masters degree and lived away on campus - she didn't take that well. had to move back after graduation (had to leave the school's dorm apartments) and money was tight at that time - no job.
now the situation is better, but getting a new apartment for her would be a huge financial burden and will cut any possibility of saving any money.
she also keeps threatening to legally go after me and garnish my salary- she says that the government requires adult children to take care of their parents and that she will report me if i don't. legally don't really know if this is true. I have recorded this conversation (and many others too) so they are on the record. she has sued people before because she has owned her own business so she knows what she is doing.
on the one hand, as a Catholic, I feel obligated to take care of her and continuously forgive her because (as she continuously points out) she has taken care of me my whole life - and i owe her. although i've never taken any money from her so i don't owe her anything.
am unsure what to do next.
Please help if you or someone you know can offer some advice.
tks so much
bnu4
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
I think you have to learn how to define and enforce some serious healthy boundaries where your mother is concerned.
I hope you can get some help and gain some understanding on how unhealthy and unproductive this all is for you.
Your health plan may offer some coverage for mental health care. I would start there, then make an appointment very soon, if I were you.
Wishing you much luck and peace.
I am not sure how to really say this but I have had a situation similar to yours, however, it was an ex-foster mother that I cared for until her death. She was actually the last of the abusers in my life. I am over 50yrs old and have no family, no husband, no children and 2 or 3 neighbor friends and this is the extent of my being! The lady dies almost 2 years ago this coming March.
At any rate, I understand the situation regarding money, constant verbal/emotional abuse, demands put on you and your desire to care for your mother, but also wanting to have your own life! I don't know your entire situation with your mother (health, age, etc) but when I can tell you is that your mother is an adult, making and has made her choices in life. It is your turn and you have every right to put your foot down with her and do as you wish. No it is not easy but you will be glad you did! My foster mother did the same thing of what she did for me. Guess what, that was her job at that time and that is what mothers are supposed to do!
Sometimes taking care of someone, even as a Catholic, means letting go! Also, caring for someone does not mean neglect yourself! You care for your mother, you don't have to take care of her!
It sounds to me that your mother is afraid and manipulates you so you can't leave! You reference recording conversations, etc. I don't know where you reside, but I really don't think your wages can be garnished to take care of a parent. I have never heard of that but I would check that out locally with your state or local government.
There is a lot more I can say but the question is are you really ready to walk away from your mother? Only you can make that choice or possibly seek someone for therapy to help you see the clear picture of what is truly going on! You can blame your mother for not moving on, but you are an adult and you may just need to seek professional help to see why you allow her to manipulate you into whatever she wants versus you! Very unhealthy relationship.
The mother you describe sounds nearly identical to the mother who raised me. She was not only horrible abusive emotional wise, but also physcially as well.
When you become trapped at a young age, by an abusive controlling dictator, it is very difficult to realize, once your an adult, that you have options. It is so hard to breakaway from that mindset, but you can do this!
I also agree that you need counseling to help you sift thru all the emotions you are dealing with now. Finding this site and reaching out for help was a great first step on your road to independence!
Your mother has serious issues that you cannot deal with alone. Please seek professional help....and continue reading and coming here for support and advice.
She should not have one...!!! Your mother chose to have you which meant she chose to take care of a child...!!! You did not choose to take care of your mother she manipulated you into believing you owed her this... Trust me, you owe her nothing...!!!! Her choice her consiquences...'my daughter owes me nothing and if she ever tried give me money I would give it right back to her... It is my job to take care of her not the other way around...!!! I chose a child so I chose to be a mom to that child till my dying day... Being a mom means taking care of your child financially when they are young but emotionally FOREVER...!!! It sounds like your mother has never taken care of you emotionally, but if she did when you where young she stopped at some point, she is not doing her job, the job she chose...!!!!
Now here is a question for you... Did your mother take care of her mother and live with her and support her... Where is she getting this idea that you owe her your life and your financial security...?? It is time for you to take care of you... If you don't have a kid then you can also point out to your mom that no one is taking care of you and no one will support you when you are her age, so that means you need to prepare financially for that time when you can't work three jobs... This requires savings and self investments, not supporting her...
I sure hope that it is not a law that your mom can garnish wages... That sounds outlandish to me... I can't even imagine having my wages garnished by my parents... I hate my parents and have zero contact with either of them... It would be like me giving money to a stranger...!!! There are so many people like me who have no relationship with their family who are horrible and abusive I can only imagine the nightmare of having your wages garnished by your abusive parent that you never talk to... No this can't be right this can't be law...'and if it is you need to find the law they says you can emancipate yourself from that responsibility due to irreconcilable differences...!!!! Divorce your mother legally!!! So she can't come after you...!!!
Counseling and a consultation with a lawyer are exactly what the dr. Orders here...!!! I wish you much luck and strength and courage... I want to encourage you to come here anytime to post about stuff it really helps... We are a great support group and you are very much welcome here...!!!
Unless she has serious medical issues causing this,your mom needs to grow up and stop acting as the child, stop using, abusing, controlling and manipulating you. I think You served your "sentence" long enough and it's time to escape that prison. Whats mom going to do if you go? you may be thinking. I say the same since living in this environment will certainly send you to an early grave. at least you'll be at peace. Yet wouldn't it be better to find "peace on earth"? I'm a spiritual person and I don't think God would want to see you go through any more abuse. Jesus may have spent 40 days in the desert with many of those days spent with the devil, but he didn't live with him afterwards.
As for the money, say you have a broken window, you call a carpenter, he fixes it, you pay him and he breaks the new window and says I can fix that but it will cost...and you agree and pay him, and he does it again....Well mom isn't breaking windows but sure is breaking your spirit, her free ride should end now.
I wouldn't consider her your mother, only the women who gave you birth.
The choice is yours. YOU DESERVE BETTER!! YOU DESERVE FREEDOM!!
I'm sorry I don't usually respond like this yet the way your mom treats you truly angers me.
Welcome to the group, Wonderful People helping Wonderful People. and Yes YOU ARE Wonderful, believe in that Truth and not in moms lies, Blaine
Hopefully, this will help ... one way or the other:
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCkQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ncpa.org%2Fpdfs%2Fba521.pdf&ei=mQHNUpL2LYOvsQSE5oGADQ&usg=AFQjCNGR_c8-vnH8-Ynaf6Mshq8i-M71_A&bvm=bv.58187178,d.cWc&cad=rja
I wish you luck !
1) Folks on DS have referred me to this website which would surely benefit you too: http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
2) As others have said, you have a right to live your own life, free from the burden of an abusive mother.From a religious angle. I don't believe being a sincere Christian means you have to accept and forgive abuse. Allowing someone to abuse you would be allowing them to sin, thus damning themselves to hell. Forgiveness, should you find it necessary and possible for you, is never about accepting or allowing abuse.