Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

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flashbacks?

xobliquityx
xobliquityx
My husband has been incredibly uptight lately. We just bought our first home together and he's been fully supporting me due to my fibromyalgia. He's been lashing out very often, cursing at me and saying some pretty hurtful things. We've gotten into arguments that turned physical (my fault) because I couldn't deal with him saying such mean things.

When I was growing up, my ex stepmother used to beat me and scream at me.. from the age of 7.. my father did nothing to protect me. I can't remember how many times I was fearful of my life or all the times I looked in the mirror and hated how I looked (as a little girl). It's so painful, this stuff still really affects me today.. I have the worst self esteem out of everyone I know.. no one understands the pain I went through after losing my mother..

My father remarried again and this one ended up kicking me out of the house when I was 18. I had to learn to fend for myself. With that, came a lot of anger. I came to terms with these demons when I turned 20..

My husband has done really horrible things in this relationship.. he brought a girl to Florida to spend time with his grandparents behind my back.. he lied to me about talking to several girls he's had relations with in the past (and did it behind my back), he talked to his ex (one he was madly in love with) for two weeks straight from early in the morning til late at night EVEN on my birthday.. I have so much hate in me again that I'm afraid I'm becoming like my ex stepmom. It's weird, I'll be totally calm, and my husband will scream at me and say horrible things when he argues with me about something, and then when that extra push comes, something goes off in my head and I immediately start crying and turn vicious.

I just want him to respect me and love me.. that's all I've wanted my entire life.. why can't I get it from anyone..
arfie
arfie
Demanding respect has never worked in my own life. I never got respect until I learned how to give it. I surely didn't learn about that exchange in the dysfunctional environment I grew up in.

Buying a house is an immensely stressful process, especially in the boy's locker room. It tends to be more dream-like in the girl's locker room. For me, it's mostly a hope of letting my rent build equity. My husband and I have bought two houses and sold one in our 3 decades together. The process turned him into a raging monster every time. The first resulted in a 3 year separation.

Wish I had some justy advice for you beyond, "Just hang in there. It is a toughie."

Wi
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Arfie wrote: "" Demanding respect has never worked in my own life. I never got respect until I learned how to give it. I surely didn't learn about that exchange in the dysfunctional environment I grew up in."

Wise words, won by experience. My experience is the same. Until I got away from my dysfunctional family and the dysfunctional marriage I myself built in its likeness afterwards, I didn't get self-respect. That's just me, and it may be different for you. But it worked for me, and it seems parallel to what arfie wrote. I hope things improve for you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
As I read your post, I kept thinking "OK this was bad communication and an icky past". Then I got to your last paragraph and read how he is disloyal to you as a life partner.... This is different. He is disrespecting your relationship and his commitment to you.

I agree w/ Arfie and Mujica that respect cannot be demanded. They removed themselves from situations where they had disrespectful spouses (temporarily in Arfie's case). I did the same myself.

But having fibromyalgia is a complicating factor, I have it too. I had no kindly relatives to take me in and one of my kids was still young. I struggled for years before leaving because of my impaired ability to function in the world due to illness. But eventually I bit the bullet and returned to fulltime work anyway. Ironically it was my spouse who feel apart, continuing to blame others for his own issues.

At calmer times, have you ever talked to your husband about pursuing marriage counseling? He's just bought a home for you both, do you think he'd prefer to live in it alone? Some people in their marriages become disrespectful when a spouse becomes chronically ill. They think that the illness reduces the spouses value and they act as if it is a personal slight to them, and a dishonorable attitude and behaviors start to emerge.

Right now, marriage counseling maybe your best hope for salvaging perspective, if it is not too late already. People can change, ...if they are commited to it.

So sorry you are having to go through this. Disrespectful spouse in an issue I read about intermittently over in the DS Fibro group..
gizzy2010
gizzy2010
I agree with all of you, demanding respect, actually if you have to demand it, there's something wrong with how you are being treated. I had to be divorced. Even lost everything. He got house....etc. I ended up homeless. But I was happy. generally speaking. He was a raging alcoholic and drug addict, so was I at the time. He did not respect me at all. Especially me going to meetings, AA, NA,, etc. He hated that.

I don't know. You could give counseling a try. Not knowing the outcome is scary. Just keep yourself safe. Do something for you. Hang in there!
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