I still deal with my father as little as possible. My little sister lives with them still and it scares me. I cant push them out of my life right now because if I do then they will not allow me to see my sister and that would kill me inside. It hurts knowing I have to still see him. I do it quickly, I pull up, pick her up in the driveway and when I drop her off its the same thing. Only one time a year do I actually see him for more than a couple minutes and I dread it every year, but I try my hardest to cope then when they leave I crash.
The anniversary of my other abuser is coming this month. I am trying not to prepare for it, see if I can just let it flow and go.
But I have found that when the thoughts and memories come I write about it, or turn it into some kind of poetry. I try to let them come now and not fight them. People here are so supportive and they have taught me to just let the come, walk yourself through it, and let them pass, don't think of them later, just remind yourself that its a memory and can no longer hurt you. Its hard, believe me I know. I also started meditating for an hour before bed, it has helped me so very much. Sometimes I focus on depression, anxiety, old memories, then sometimes I am able to focus on good things like my new boyfriend, puppies, or anything I can.
I wish you all the best and warmest of hugs. Also therapy helped quite a bit as well.

PTSD forces you to keep those memories alive and there is nothing that I can do either to banish them.
The reason for that is that any type of abuse manifests itself in our brain, it is a real injury and brain injuries are often permanent.

I will often get so upset when I remember the different types of abuse that I suffered. I get mad, and then I feel really bad that I was the victim.
And every single time I ask myself: Why do I feel bad? I was not the bad person. I was not the one that abused another. So why do I feel bad about it?
It is a vicious cycle. And then I try to remember to tell myself: the abuse was not within my control, the abuse was not wanted by me obviously, I am not the abuser.
But then I realize that any injury just hurts, abuse is an injury and it just hurts and when remembering it then it hurts.

Not sure either how I can overcome that.

Germ,
thanks for sharing. I do Wright some, journalist mostly. I have flare for writing poetry. You intrigued me with meditation... dumb question but how do you do it?

Hello. 3:45 AM here where I am and for me, nightmares and anxiety often can mean breakthrough of a memory. (I hate saying breakdown unless I'm actually in the ER.... it gives me a "scale" so to speak)... Big thoughts of comfort and I am blessed that my main abusers are dead.... I sometimes think the fact they're dead about 20 years now is WHY I have PTSD---I'm finally "post" the trauma enough if that makes sense.
It's horribly dificult, and I focus on weeeeird stuff still, but I am learning to let the memories and emotions roll on through.... like rainstorms or waves or any other metaphor you like... I end up wet and tired but I am still here when they pass.... I know by the vividness of an image in my head I'm either due for another one myself or something's lurking, so again, you're not alone.

BTW, YouTube has a lot of various meditation clips....
I mostly do focusing on my breath, since I tend to breathe wrong a lot (biology at play---it's fight-flight reflex) or to simply stare at a pleasant image while humming a single note. A favorite poster, or for me, a candle flame in a dim room. Then I exhale long and slow and on each exhale ask a body part to relax or imagine white light flowing over me.

Very amateur hour but hey, it's 3:45 AM...

Healing wishes,
Leo

The rapist who got to me when I was 10 got jail and got killed there. Even in jail pedophiles aren't popular. So he's gone. My violent abusers in the home, both my parents, are in their 80s and seem healthy as horses. I truly could understand when you wrote "Also my abusers birthday just past last week. Bas*Ard is still alive."

They're out of my head more than they used to be, but I won't mind when we no longer share the same planet. I don't expect we''ll be in the same place in the afterlife. If there is a hell, they'll split it wide open.

Gero's idea to turn the anger into poetry, into self expression, sounds good to me. Certainly don't be ashamed of it. Here we understand it, even if others don't.

Most of mine are now on the otherside. I agree avoidance or limited exposure in groups with a back plan for retreat.
Though not always on here I deal with my past in my art, cope with it in the dirt. I keep 2-3 books going. I have drawn my time hiding in the attic, doing it in that way with each line on the paper seems to help, much like repeating in exposure therapy. When the drawing is done it takes some of the pain and I can look at it abstractly, not emotionally as much.

Dirt therapy, now is a good time to start your seeds, they may take a bit to sprout and thin to what can be planted. mixing your soil and the nutrients ahead of time so the "jell" before putting in your green babies. Shop for a few large pots (second hand store/garage sales are a good source) St up some for related items for cooking. A a tomato plant surrounded by oregano, basil and chive? or go salsa with cilantro and a pepper plant or two. I also set up snipping pots, lemon basil, chives leeks and usually a floral plant for color, but you could also make a pot of different salad greens that continue to grow aft snipping what you need.In your area summer is shorter but not too unlike mine. So a head start helps.
The playing in the dirt is very grounding for me, it lets me know that the world is made for living things.

I found when that anger comes, it NEEDS to come out. keeping it inside just leads to illness, more turmoil and it eventually explodes out.
I'd write down on paper that anger and usually shredded that paper up or rifled it across the room. Punching a heavy bag, a pillow or scream into a pillow. Basically anything to let that anger out, without causing harm to you or others.
Once those angry layers are removed, then the underlying hurt and pain can be dealt with in a constructive manner. It's hard, it's rough and it's sheer hell at times, yet can be done.
Keep being kind to yourself, yet allow yourself to be angry, it's very justified and a essential part of the healing process.
I recommend to many to take marshal arts classes or boxing. They're great for learning discipline and regaining our confidence back, thus regaining our power back, that what was once taken from us.
The discipline will aid us in implementing the changes we learn in therapy into our own lives. The confidence with help us understand the truth, with that truth being that we CAN overcome anything. Once we regain our power, we regain our voice and most of all we truly start to understand that one we see in the mirror...

I am learning different therapies to help myself and others. One thing that helps is to know all that is in your reach is yours to choose how to use. Part of my learning was using imagery and videos that help me.I am only in control of me, acept that they are only in control of them.
This one help me draw the line to what is mine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6PZqX1mA74

Last night I went to sleep. Medicated as normal (I have fibro so sleeping sucks for me). I woke up multiple times to feel the sweat of my Nightmare and believing that my monsters were here with me. It takes me at least 30 minutes to haul my but from bed. I don't like to start my day. It's hard. I work full time and I wear a mask for all of it.

Nobody knows my pain nor do I care them to. I live for 5. When 5 comes I wish for sleep. When it's sleep time I feel. Unless I can distract myself.

Maybe this is another thread but how do you all get rid of the pain. I tried to yell. I tried time (been 20 years). I've tried confrontation. I am at my wits end.my husband says I am angry for as long as we've been together. My Neice and nephew say the same. One work to describe me. Angry.

How can I let it go. How come I can't just have the freaking memory and be done with it.

Sorry for the rant. All of you have given me joy to know that you heard me cry out. Thank you so much for really understanding.

Xoxo jen

Jen,

You asked about meditation. There's a meditation teacher who's also a good psychologist. He's got a funny name, Jack Kornfield. But he's how I learned.

Here's a meditation from his website:
"May I be filled with lovingkindness.

May I be safe from inner and outer dangers.

May I be well in body and mind.

May I be at ease and happy."

Simple, calming stuff you repeat to yourself, with breathing calmly.

http://www.jackkornfield.com/2011/02/meditation-on-lovingkindness/