I do understand. I have the same issues. I have found nothing but suffering for myself. I wish it were otherwise. I have no idea how to save myself from all this pain. If I knew how, i would surely tell you.
All I can do is send you hugs.

I can tell you that I've been in dark places like the one you are in, where I did not care to live anymore.

You might try to find some kind of outlet for your inner pain that doesn't injure you. Some people go in for intense exercise or sports to relieve their internal pressure. When I was younger, I would ride a bike, go kayaking, take walks that went on for miles until my legs got cramps.

These aren't great solutions, but at least they are better than scarring yourself.

In Japan, factories have special soundproof rooms where workers suffering from stress can go, no questions asked, and beat up a manikin with a baseball bat for a while.

You are not the only person who has this inner turmoil going on, believe me. I tried the chemical way, it only makes things worse in the long run.

I hope you can get this worked out somehow. Don't give up trying to find a way out of your problems.

Keep reaching out, Countress. It helps to sort it out.

Sure wish I had a magic wand to make it all easier. I hate to hear you in such pain, but I hate even more thinking of anyone alone with it.