I'm totally isolated where I live. Except for contact with people at work, my only contact with others is with people like the grocery store clerks. Pretty sad.

Yet people make me tired, too. Must have to do with PTSD hypervigilance around groups or something, I suppose.

Good luck with the birthday party.

I am not allowed to talk about the past.
they don't want to hear about it.

The result of that is that they stick fingers into gaping wounds totally on accident? So I get really sad and/or upset and/or triggered and have to go home.

This sucks.

Too much of anything wears me out. When I isolate, I wear myself out more than anybody else would care too. When I am around too many people I lose my sense of self.

Balance remains my goal. Enough social life to feed my human instincts, but enough alone time to keep up with my solitary activities.

Alas, the only thing harder than finding a balance is keeping a balance. It remains more goal than accomplishment. The days when I accomplish the balance are good days.

Hope you were able to bring a smile to your friend's eye.

Go, be kind, be gone when you need to go, BD.
People wear me out. When I was still not PTSD-full-blown? (Or my coping had it buried in my mental cellar, whichever.) Hubby had to go to company parties of 100-plus people and so on, and I'd be dragged to three or four a year and I'd just be so wired from the "too many people" vigilance that I'd be exhausted for two days after.

Support and more.

I will be glad when I get to move to England to be with Mr Crazypants. I feel very alone here.

I'm sorry your family hurt you and didn't give you the space to express it.

(((Blue)))

I am so sorry. I am also pretty isolated, my roomie is gone a lot and I do not have a lot of friends. I totally understand being lonely but people tire me, unless I am going dancing. Then its ok.

I hope it is smooth for you at the party.

Still processing folks.

I didn't go to the party. I begged off.

I was actually shocked that my friend was understanding when I told him I'd have a panic attack if I went!
My family, when told I was in a bad place last week, and would find it really unpleasant to have a dinner out...tried for multiple minutes to nag me into going...

...Isn't that normal, to expect me to just...shut up about my hurt, pain, and fear? I mean, I hide it by habit in front of them.
I have an extremely hard time, period, telling my family they have hurt me. I hide it, because...training? Why?
Why do I assume my hurt doesn't matter to anybody, especially mom?

And getting away...that's simple.
When I was alone the verbal/ physical/ sexual abuse was not happening...so alone feels safe.
Especially after remembering the party, it makes sense why groups of people are somewhat nerve wracking...and I have been told I can't talk about the past. So they know nothing about that.

No, I can't trust my mom with my feelings, she invalidates them.

My brother's ok, he just has a wife, two kids, he works his ass off. Don't trust SIL with my feelings, no, I don't know what she does with them. Not saying I could not theoretically trust her, but there's a distance?

I don't trust my family. I mean, I knew that.

But it's not really them that causes me to hide my feelings, I do that automatically in front of people I am not close to.
So that's my part of the distance.
Can I trust mom? Not totally, ever. That ship sailed in my childhood.

I told her more recently, in a somewhat -joking way, that she'd made it clear that she didn't REALLY want to get to know the deep-down me...
She has.
Which is weird, because there's genuine love there, too, from both of us. I forgave her for her part of the abuse.
But it hurts that she's letting me fight the trauma of what dad did, without even being able to MENTION that... I got more memories back and am struggling.
Dad was sneaky! Admittedly, there were glaring signs something was wrong, she was the queen of denial. It seems a lot more obvious NOW...
But I don't attribute much responsibility for what dad was able to get away with to mom. Maybe 10% culpable, max. He worked to hide it enough that she only got vaguely suspicious.
Mom was abused as a teen, so I honestly think she never thought a 6-year old was a target.

...I amend that. I was slapped for showing any feelings. Hurt, fear, anger especially.
Happiness. My parents were very unhappy people.
I think if they saw me happy they got angry and would lash out at the merest pretense?
Or maybe just because I was there?

...I split into alters in part because I was 6 and I could not hide my emotions properly. I literally had to split them off into different kids who had the task of holding those feelings. Then those kids could withdraw Inside and leave me, the Front.
I crumple satisfyingly.

My ability to really love was so dangerous she split off and was locked out of formation, I found her...With the help of Mr Crazypants...in 2011.

I think I should be honest with them.
Then they can get mad.
Then I can leave.

That's going to be interesting.

Who has forbidden you to mention the past? Your mother? How much does your brother know?

Have you ever had a joint session with your mother?

People who've been abused can go one better than ignoring signs of abuse - they can dissociate signs of abuse, and other inconvenient or triggering stuff. I think it happens a lot.

It's obvious why she wouldn't want to hear about the past - it interferes with her denial and her ability to forget it all and put it all behind her. Plus it's got to be super painful! But the counterbalance to that motivation would be - one hopes - her love for you and her desire to do whatever she can to make amends for her past failures, such as listening to you now, however uncomfortable it makes her.

So who are you planning to be honest with, and what are you planning to say? What do you mean by "Then I can leave"?

WELL!
She and I talked a little. She blames herself for the allowing the abuse...way more than I blame her for it. There were glaring signs...in retrospect?
But my dad was sneaky enough to fly under the radar. He was careful. He didn't leave marks.
...I figure she's about 10% responsible, max, for being in denial?

TBH? She trusted him with her kid, whom she loved.
Admittedly, she was also abusive in mainly psychological ways, but there was love.
Anyway, one trusts one's spouse. One does NOT generally watch one's spouse like a hawk to see if the spouse is raping the kids.

Mr Crazypants pointed out that she was terribly betrayed by his abusing me.
He said " I can't think of anything worse than my partner sexually abusing my kid. I'd rather they stabbed me."

I was terrified to be left by her...but we had just moved to a new house, and kids don't necessarily take change well? Plus she was going to work for the first time in my life, and I had never gotten on well with dad.

So, we shall try talking it out. Heavy.

PUrring support, BD. That's heavy indeed, so make sure you have an exit strategy, okay?

Emotions were unacceptable in my childhood home, too. GEntle purrs of healing.