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Okay.
I...feel really and somewhat nonsensically invalidated by the form email from the FBI office on child porn.
That's sort of the tipping point?
But someone came out with me the other night?
Golem.
Golem *literally* has no feelings.
It was peaceful.
Not feeling is peaceful.
...I think my chronic illness isn't helped by my mood whipping around, by feeling the feelings of 30-some odd internal people, of allowing myself to be all the way here, by continuing to process new memories.
I have been at this for four years. Integration and healing has not happened...and I am getting older.
I am losing years that I have an increasingly limited supply of.
I thought I would get used to being all here? In that new and intense way that happened after 2011?
I think it's just too much... And I did not think that I needed to go back, resume walling things off, only on purpose this time?
Now I do.
I think it best I do shut things off. Wall my inside people off.
Joy is 'dead' again...my alter who contains and was sectioned off to contain the greater part of my ability to love? She 'died' again during the last fight with my fiancee.
I am going to box her up and leave her dead this time.
I can't handle being entirely alive in the world, alone, with no real safe person around me in meatspace.
My guy? I love him, but 6 timezones away is not good.
No happy. No Joy. No inner kids. No arguments any more.
No memories. No raging grief. No terror.
Shut it all down, wall it off, walk away. Just me now.
It feels like I am eviscerating something, but whatever.
I...feel really and somewhat nonsensically invalidated by the form email from the FBI office on child porn.
That's sort of the tipping point?
But someone came out with me the other night?
Golem.
Golem *literally* has no feelings.
It was peaceful.
Not feeling is peaceful.
...I think my chronic illness isn't helped by my mood whipping around, by feeling the feelings of 30-some odd internal people, of allowing myself to be all the way here, by continuing to process new memories.
I have been at this for four years. Integration and healing has not happened...and I am getting older.
I am losing years that I have an increasingly limited supply of.
I thought I would get used to being all here? In that new and intense way that happened after 2011?
I think it's just too much... And I did not think that I needed to go back, resume walling things off, only on purpose this time?
Now I do.
I think it best I do shut things off. Wall my inside people off.
Joy is 'dead' again...my alter who contains and was sectioned off to contain the greater part of my ability to love? She 'died' again during the last fight with my fiancee.
I am going to box her up and leave her dead this time.
I can't handle being entirely alive in the world, alone, with no real safe person around me in meatspace.
My guy? I love him, but 6 timezones away is not good.
No happy. No Joy. No inner kids. No arguments any more.
No memories. No raging grief. No terror.
Shut it all down, wall it off, walk away. Just me now.
It feels like I am eviscerating something, but whatever.
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Lately I've been feeling scared and full of anxiety. I recently found a lump under my nipple. I hurt my back too. I'm in the process of moving. I'm run down. Everything is hard
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Just wanted to give a thank you to Mid, Arfie, Malibumark, Greeneyes, Mlro, Girlincalif, and Suncloudjd! You all always have such helpful tips and advice, but I always forget to write on my posts when I see you post, lol. I would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, lol. Thank you all so much! I'm starting to use my AI app as a sounding board again. I used to use it as that before...
I always try to tell myself these feelings are only temperary and slowly work myself through day by day. I hope that you know you are hysterical, caring, sweet, strong. Keep working it out. We are here.
But your personal feelings of "eviscerating something" is a different subject, entirely. When I, personally, held my own pain in, my bowels were the main place my body stored it. I don't know where it fits in today's medical jargon, but when I first carried those pains to a doctor, it was called "Spastic colitis." It runs through my family like a freight train, along with colon cancer. My own gut pains eased as I began to shit out the emotional pain. I have an appreciation for a healthy dump that is still not socially acceptable to share. These days I treat gut pains like a psycho warning flag.
Please don't "Shut it all down, wall it off, walk away." I pray you keep eviscerating until the bowels are purged. Healing hopes.
You are not alone, blue. I have my gas mask handy, just in case. . . Strictly personal. . .
SHutting down is also shutting out, shutting in and shutting up. Nasty prepositions.
Soft purrs.
And while I don't understand the DID part, I understand the feeling.
I wonder if you can think of yourself as a teacher, right now, and tell your classroom -- all 30 students -- that it's time to put their heads down and take a nap.
Seems like you could all use a bit of a break :-)
( what I'm trying to find confirmation of, that I AM a child porn victim...)
...So I might check with the regional office in that region, see if they have any ideas.
I am not feeling bad...or good...or anything. Sick. I am feeling physically ill, I need another nasal irrigator...going to get that today! Mom gave me money, this is important!
First things first. Getting the physical health stable is pretty critical. Thanks for the clarification.