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I was wondering if any of you tend to have trouble with weight and how you manage it?
I used to be athletic, and worked out everyday. I've always been very pretty, some even say beautiful, so I got a lot of attention because of the way I looked. I still get compliments even though I'm totally out of shape.
But the man who assaulted me had been stalking me, and did so because he said I was so beautiful he couldn't get me out of his mind, and he had to "have" me even if he had to drug me to accomplish this, which he did and I almost died because he put too much in my drink.
Anyway, since then I have gained 50 pounds, and even if I loose 10 or so, I can't seem to lose any more, and after awhile I just put it right back on. And it's right when I'm doing my best in terms of diet and exercise that I just lose all motivation and stop what I'm doing and gain it back. And then it takes a really long time to get up the motivation to try again.
I know that I'm using the extra weight to keep others away, and so that I don't get any unwanted attention. I know that just because someone says I'm attractive doesn't mean they will hurt me, but I only know it in my mind. I still FEEL safer when people ignore me (which believe me, they do with the extra 50 pounds). I also know that if I lose the weight, people will start looking again, because I am a very pretty girl. I'm not trying to come off as full of myself, it's just how it is.
But I also feel badly about the extra weight, and I don't feel attractive with it, and it makes me uncomfortable in my own skin. It also makes me self-conscious about doing anything physical in front of others, which makes it really hard to exercise since there is literally not one second of the day that I am alone. It also makes me avoid people I used to know, who might make fun of the weight gain, and avoid activities I really enjoy, like swimming (I really don't want to run around in spandex).
To complicate things more, my mom is borderline and narcissistic, and loves it when I'm overweight because then she's better than me, but also loves it when I'm thin because then I'm HER beautiful daughter and all the credit and attention it gets her is just wonderful for her ego. So I, of course, have conflicted feelings about that part of it.
Can anyone help me sort this out? Advice? I am just tired of feeling "not myself" and it's been10 years now. Why can't I get past this?
I used to be athletic, and worked out everyday. I've always been very pretty, some even say beautiful, so I got a lot of attention because of the way I looked. I still get compliments even though I'm totally out of shape.
But the man who assaulted me had been stalking me, and did so because he said I was so beautiful he couldn't get me out of his mind, and he had to "have" me even if he had to drug me to accomplish this, which he did and I almost died because he put too much in my drink.
Anyway, since then I have gained 50 pounds, and even if I loose 10 or so, I can't seem to lose any more, and after awhile I just put it right back on. And it's right when I'm doing my best in terms of diet and exercise that I just lose all motivation and stop what I'm doing and gain it back. And then it takes a really long time to get up the motivation to try again.
I know that I'm using the extra weight to keep others away, and so that I don't get any unwanted attention. I know that just because someone says I'm attractive doesn't mean they will hurt me, but I only know it in my mind. I still FEEL safer when people ignore me (which believe me, they do with the extra 50 pounds). I also know that if I lose the weight, people will start looking again, because I am a very pretty girl. I'm not trying to come off as full of myself, it's just how it is.
But I also feel badly about the extra weight, and I don't feel attractive with it, and it makes me uncomfortable in my own skin. It also makes me self-conscious about doing anything physical in front of others, which makes it really hard to exercise since there is literally not one second of the day that I am alone. It also makes me avoid people I used to know, who might make fun of the weight gain, and avoid activities I really enjoy, like swimming (I really don't want to run around in spandex).
To complicate things more, my mom is borderline and narcissistic, and loves it when I'm overweight because then she's better than me, but also loves it when I'm thin because then I'm HER beautiful daughter and all the credit and attention it gets her is just wonderful for her ego. So I, of course, have conflicted feelings about that part of it.
Can anyone help me sort this out? Advice? I am just tired of feeling "not myself" and it's been10 years now. Why can't I get past this?
You're not that much overweight, so try not to get too down about it. Since you've been in shape before, if you decide to "flip the switch," I'm sure you'll shed the weight in just a few months.
I've not had many POUNDS to worry about- just the same 5 or so. Have them and I hate my body. Don't have them, and I'm feeling invincible, so it's not about the number- it's about the self concept.
I used to starve for attention and dressed and behaved in a not-so-respectable way at times. Now that I'm married to a great man and also converted to Islam, I dress modestly and wear a scarf, but still wear "normal" clothes.
What's the connection? I supposed it's about what's going on inside our minds than the outside world. Now that I'm not putting my body on display, you'd think that I'd not bother to work out- what's the point now, right? Wrong! : ))) I do it for myself. To feel good. To show myself that I still love myself. To allow me those two hours at the YMCA while my son plays in their tot spot while I allow myself to watch some mindless TV while I get my sweat on! OR, I go for a run outside to feel the wind and sun on my face.
What happened to you is NOT because of the way you looked at the time. It was about some sick, obsessive @sshole! Don't let him take your beauty, health and well being away from you. You DO deserve to look the way you want!
I'm not suggesting at all that you start dressing like me! However, you may feel more comfortable at the gym at first if you wear some baggy sweats and even a sweatshirt with a hood to block out any looks you think are stares. (They're not, but I know what it feels like to be self conscious.)
I wish you the best of luck. I bet if you really try, you could be back to your old self before Christmas. Let YOU be your present to yourself!
With the abuse of unasked for sexual abuse, I think weight was a self control problem.
Make myself so ugly that I don't get that attention. But swimming 2 miles in the morning and 3 in the afternoon, undoes the eating. It made for great times in competition, but then I felt eyes staring at me in a swim suit no less.
I need to look at this more, though mobility keeps my weight from moving down now. I would like to better my health, but self defeat me.
I'd be the type to say, "Yeah, it's funny- it all started right after I was raped... You think there's a connection there?" really sarcastically to make them feel like sh!t. Not saying that's your style, but it shows how horrible they are.
You know, I re-read your post, and I'm really here to encourage you. It's been 10 years and I can tell that you're done with feeling this way and just need that little nudge to get you started. Get mad... and even with all your oppressors by taking back your body.
Go, girl!
Unlike you, I went way overboard gaining weight after the last time I was raped/attacked, and have yet to take it off. Sorry, I have nothing to give except empathy.
I have never been heavy, but know that I can make myself either visible or invisible to others by how I dress. I'm not talking super sexy or the total opposite, just at times changing how I present myself. For example if I run around in sweat pants, an old baggy tee shirt, my hair combed but not styled and no make-up it is nearly like wearing an invisibility cloak. At home I often dress better so I can feel more like me. This isn't something I do all the time but it certainly works. Also I always wear opaque , reflective sunglasses when I go out to maintain psychological privacy.
Eating (snacking) is a type of self-medication/self soothing, so your higher weight may also be a way of comforting yourself.
Please understand, I am not suggesting that victims are ever to blame for their assaults because of looking attractive or desirable. I am just saying, that as a woman living in the US I have discovered I have the power to manipulate other people's image of me regardless of size.
Perhaps consider keeping a food consumption log, and join a gym - dressing in baggy rather than stylish workout clothes. Place yourself in control of how others see you and try manipulating your image for your own purposes without having to use health and self esteem damaging fat as your costume.
Take care of yourself for the long term, and feel like "you".
For me it's been about actually becoming a fat guy in about 4 months in 2011 after spending and stopping the weight gain, then dealing with the change and working on losing the weight over time. Kind of an abrupt change for me.
IMHO, stick to your guns about being unfairly criticized about weight from people imposing superficial standards, though.
those are merely symptoms based on cognitive distortions. the answer will lie in healing emotional hallucinations about self, then changing thought patterns.
indeed, i also hide from connecting with others...it is safer. i once knew someone who removed their sunglasses and let me hold them in my eyes for a brief moment, only to put them on again and keep me in the dark.
may you find the path of healing.
I have weight issues too. My last doctor wasnt very good, and I gained a large amount of weight. Im about halfway through getting back to a healthy weight now, a few years later. But its been really, really hard. Because I dont want to relapse into my ED trying to get back, because that will just make things much much worse. I also have an abusive mother, who has made it very very difficult not to relapse since being home.
For me, at least, the 'being comfortable in own skin' thing is much more valuable to me than having another wall to keep people away. Theres tons of walls you can put up without sacraficing your comfort within your body.
What I would say is, these obstacles are not going away no matter how long you stay overweight. You will have to face your fears that grew out of that terrible experience. You might as well be comfortable in your own skin while you are doing that. Why have two problems when you can just have one?
Plus, its keeping you from being around people you like and doing things you enjoy. Those can be very strong tools to use to overcome these fears you have, and PTSD overall.
As for the mom part, well. It sounds like theres no way around her abusiveness when it comes to weight. So you might as well do whats comfortable for you, shes going to be infuriating anyway.
I know some of that may sound very blunt, sorry for that. My two cents, anyway.
I hadn't realized that I feel so deserving of punishment, and so unworthy of kindness.
Thank you for helping me start to sort this out...