Happy. I see you struggling and maybe the friend's jail was a wake up call. You being worried? is actually a good thing. It's a signal that you are considering a change.
I don't know about your job, but since your therapist sees a comparison to triggering emotions in it...I'll go with that.
There is a possibility that another line of work could help. If you are seeing the ravages of what the traumas are doing it, your own empathy for them is opening your wounds. Wounds don't heal if we constantly re injure them. Some times it is necessary to lance t to let out the infection(your counseling helps here), then wrap and protect until it's not so painful. Evaluate again later to see the damage they left. You may end up with a scar or two, but they are only scars, not inflictions and no longer infectious.

For many here that is how we heal. You have harm ocd...so is keeping this job just a form of that? You know when dealing with that part of you, distraction and redirect are better options, so a different job is what I think the therapist is also thinking.

Happy I have a life time of hurt and trauma in many forms, but yet I am taking classes that are tearing open my traumas. writing essays of thousands of words to address the effects on also the helps(I never got) It all hurts. But I am also practicing the self care needed to offset the self infliction, because my goal is for a good reason, not to just re-hurt myself, because that's what I know.
I mix art classes, art as therapy and touching life in bits to help distract and diminish the effects of the studies. There is breathing and tai chi I do, muscle stretch,contract and release exercises and music that help me feel and let go of the anguish.

You don't know me very well but when I found DS, two 1/2 years ago I was a mess ( understatement). My idea of "fix" was not self harm, but determined self destruction. Nothing less, all black and white. There are a lot of changes now in me and the shades of grey which I see are comforting now, where before I thought them as a feeling of barrenness. I have worked very hard at finding answers where the "choice to live" is the final line of the process.

You may be at that cusp now.

Hugs of support, and vent here or anger it all out in journal-ling, then read and really see what the basis of the pain is.
I listed like an outline, a time line, these were taken to my therapist and explored. There were many times she didn't want me to leave until I had calmed. Sorted and set aside to review later after some self care.

We are here for your support and to give you feedback when you hit road blocks and there will be some of those. But when we share what works for us, it is not meant as a blue print or an only option, just a sharing to draw from, what may help you in your own personal situation may be a combination of some or all.
Eval, assess, keep, store, transform or toss. Take what you will, it is there for options.

As I was told, healing happens, I hope it happens for you.
Jewells

...Bad people either do not care about hurting others or actively ENJOY hurting others.

So remember:

The fact that you are TERRIFIED that you MIGHT hurt others even POSSIBLY means you are not a bad person!

Please type the above out in large print, print it out, put it somewhere as a daily reminder, maybe?

Ok...smartphones are no longer that expensive. You may have one that can already handle the application...
There is a program online that you can run on your phone that can track your phone via GPS...I imagine it does real time, it probably offers a synopsis?

So you get one of those little money-belt things. You charge your phone up, put it in a protective case. Put the phone( running the tracking app, of course) inside the money belt. You put the money belt on comfortably under bedclothes, go to,sleep.

You then have a GPS record that shows you have not been anywhere all night.
I VERY strongly suspect you have not been anywhere. But your brain is sending you false signals.

It won't shut up.

Please keep working on therapy and trying meds to fix the false signals.

Yes, PTSD can get "better"---we learn to live with it at a better, more functional level, et cetera, you've probably read that stuff a hundred times.

OK, about PTSD and people doing things they regret or that are harmful....

First off? Bull-effing-manure. We are not more prone to hurt anyone else than the general population. And like the general population, it's usually in extreme situations. We can be triggered and do things we feel embarrass us (Hello? I collapsed mid-physical-therapy session in a panic attack and had 100 witnesses, oh joy)... we can hurt others with insults or with anxiety-driven reactions like isolation and so on, but it is in fact not htat common for PTSDers to harm others. Not. At. All. The exception can be military veterans, who are *trained* to commit violent acts in response to perceived threats, and even so, it's VERY unusual. Don't let a few media articles or horror stories freak you out, okay?

And who was "your self" before the trauma? List what is the same. Even if it's what books you read. What foods you like. Things that remain the *same*, however small, okay? I do this a LOT.

My backstory? I was 2 when we can confirm my older sister tarted hurting me, and my dad... he also always did. TIll I left home. But at 17, amidst all that, I was raped. At college, I got counseling. That was one exercise we had. List things that had NOT changed. TV we liked. Foods. Books, Colors. Music. I find it helpful to this day. It helps me remember that some things are consistent.

YOu are thinking clearly enough to be concerned, you are being coherent enough to go ahead and decide to ask for help, and honestly, do NOT get tied up at night, okay? Just put a cheap motion sensor at your bedroom door. If it goes beep, your family knows you're up and about, and will be there for you (I hope.)...

As for docs making it worse---depends on the docs and what they're using and doing. Have you seen a neuropsychologist? They're better grounded in the biology of our brains and psyches, and mine is a huge help for me in understanding how it works, and why coping mechanisms do or do not work.

And, frankly, if yoyur job triggers you? Is about trauma? You're being ripped raw every day. Not. Good.

Go ahead and cry. Go ahead and let your family know that you can't figure out how to help you, either, and maybe as a group you can find a way forward? I am failing at this with my elderly mom, but it worked pretty well with my hubby and my in-laws.

Sorry to ramble. Just that's what helps/helped me.

Gentle support, Happy.

Happy, I know what you mean about being scared of yourself, but Jewells, blue, Leo, and I can really tell you that there's a life beyond where you are right now. I like how Jewells put it: "You may be at that cusp now." I was.

I had to get to the point where I stopped wishing to go back to the past, and put all of my chips on today, then the next day, then the next day after that. Daily strength.

Maybe that job change might be a good idea?

I too can tell you it won't always be like that. You will heal over time just like the rest of us. All we can do is make suggestions and you take what you like and leave the rest. I know it seems like it will never end but everything comes to and end at some point. As you age and grow in your life you change and are not really who you used to be even in the best of life growing up or even with trauma. We are always growi g and changing even if we aren't trying to that is just part of life. Who we once were is incorporated into who who we are now and most often becomes part pf our memory. You will heal cause healing happens. Some of the things I do are: a little exercise, a little meditation, writing three things I'm grateful for, writing one thing that was grate about yesterday, and at least one act of kindness everyday. I do these thing everyday and it helps me to feel better on my not so good days. So try out some of the wonderful suggestions that people have said and take what works for you and if nothing does come back and you will get a whole lot more suggestions to try. Gentle healing

My own trauma is sustained trauma from childhood abuse, so I don't have the "before and after" quality in mine. That is a critical distinction, but. . .

You sound an awful lot like I did around 1989 when I finally got with the program for "Trauma Induced Amnesia (dx 1974)" therapy. In my own strictly personals, the on-going amnesia was caused by my lifelong habit of fighting to forget. I had to learn how to quit fighting it and work with the change instead.

I don't know if my own cPTSD will ever "get better" or not, but I sincerely believe I am learning how to live fully, handicap and all. Still learning. Good thing I like life-learning, huh? cPTSD is a condition I have. One of many. Some of my conditions are even good. Good or bad, my conditions are not who I am.

Courage is not the absence of fear, Hap. The absence of fear is foolishness. Courage is action in the face of fear. Be brave. Be gentle.

Happy,
I am suffering right now because of a traumatic issue that happened yesterday. My heart goes out to you, post traumatic stress is horrible. It's a shame that some people do not know how serious it is until it happens to them. Post traumatic stress will ruin a person's life sincerely. Some people develop post traumatic stress when they are kids and then they will carry into their adult life. Like jewells 1, I use writing as a form of helping myself, I don't drive because of an illness but I do the best I can. Thanks to the post traumatic I've suffered in my life, I don't feel normal like I use to feel.