Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I posted this in depression but someone suggested posting it here for better feedback/advice. I don't know if I have PTSD and I don't mean to self-diagnose or include myself where I don't belong. But after reading that person's suggestion, I looked it up and the symptoms appear very much like what I feel. Yet my stress occurred over years and years. I am not sure if it's the same.
Maybe this Support Group can give me advice? I just want it to stop. And sorry for the extra long post.
For the last week I have been having almost random flashbacks to the awful things that have happened to me in the past. I think it started because I saw my mother for the first time in like 3 years.
My mother abused me until I was 16. She neglected feeding me, would let me get sick, then blame me for my health when i would end up in the hospital. She loved to get attention from me being sick. I was born with an autoimmune disorder, so I was sick frequently from lack of nutrition, attention, and medication.
When i was 16 I tried to kill myself & when it didn't go as planned I moved in with my dad the next day. Life got worse after that. My stepmom hates me. She was godawful to me. She would get mad at me for being sick, for being depressed and anxious. She wanted me to be a "normal" kid right away and I couldn't. You can't get over a lifetime of abuse in a few weeks.
Then 3 years ago my sister's friend, who I worked with for about a year at the time, sexually assaulted me in my sleep one night while I spent the night at my sister's house. We had a drinks for New Years and before he went to bed he approached me pretending to be my boyfriend because he knew I was half asleep. Before that I had never had a remotely sexual experience with anyone before. He took that from me.
It took me a year to tell my sister and she didn't believe me. When I confronted him about what he did he claimed he remembered non of it and said "sorry for what you think happened." My sister is still friends with him, all my friends are. And I hate it. He's such a conartist.
Anyway I have been having flashback of the assault, of my mother screaming at me, of being left in a hospital bed alone for days, of hot coffee being thrown at me by my stepmom because i pulled into the driveway without turning on my turn signal. It all keeps coming up. Things I have tried to forget or haven't thought of in a long time.
I don't have anyone to turn to. No one understands, not even my boyfriend. I have been doing so good lately, but I am scared these flashbacks will bring me down.
Maybe this Support Group can give me advice? I just want it to stop. And sorry for the extra long post.
For the last week I have been having almost random flashbacks to the awful things that have happened to me in the past. I think it started because I saw my mother for the first time in like 3 years.
My mother abused me until I was 16. She neglected feeding me, would let me get sick, then blame me for my health when i would end up in the hospital. She loved to get attention from me being sick. I was born with an autoimmune disorder, so I was sick frequently from lack of nutrition, attention, and medication.
When i was 16 I tried to kill myself & when it didn't go as planned I moved in with my dad the next day. Life got worse after that. My stepmom hates me. She was godawful to me. She would get mad at me for being sick, for being depressed and anxious. She wanted me to be a "normal" kid right away and I couldn't. You can't get over a lifetime of abuse in a few weeks.
Then 3 years ago my sister's friend, who I worked with for about a year at the time, sexually assaulted me in my sleep one night while I spent the night at my sister's house. We had a drinks for New Years and before he went to bed he approached me pretending to be my boyfriend because he knew I was half asleep. Before that I had never had a remotely sexual experience with anyone before. He took that from me.
It took me a year to tell my sister and she didn't believe me. When I confronted him about what he did he claimed he remembered non of it and said "sorry for what you think happened." My sister is still friends with him, all my friends are. And I hate it. He's such a conartist.
Anyway I have been having flashback of the assault, of my mother screaming at me, of being left in a hospital bed alone for days, of hot coffee being thrown at me by my stepmom because i pulled into the driveway without turning on my turn signal. It all keeps coming up. Things I have tried to forget or haven't thought of in a long time.
I don't have anyone to turn to. No one understands, not even my boyfriend. I have been doing so good lately, but I am scared these flashbacks will bring me down.
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Lately I've been feeling scared and full of anxiety. I recently found a lump under my nipple. I hurt my back too. I'm in the process of moving. I'm run down. Everything is hard
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Just wanted to give a thank you to Mid, Arfie, Malibumark, Greeneyes, Mlro, Girlincalif, and Suncloudjd! You all always have such helpful tips and advice, but I always forget to write on my posts when I see you post, lol. I would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, lol. Thank you all so much! I'm starting to use my AI app as a sounding board again. I used to use it as that before...
That guy definitely did assault you and I believe you. Can you report him? I am sorry they aren't believing you, that is horrible. You might be able to find a "rape crisis" type of center here http://centers.rainn.org/
I am sorry your mother and step mom and everyone were so horrible to you. I hate child abusers. I am so sorry you are suffering.
I did have a therapist who was helping me develop healthy and safe relationships with my family, but I can't afford to see her any longer. I started seeing a counselor at school, but I get anxious to dump the big stuff on her.
Love your name.
I'm glad you're seeing someone. Try not to worry about dumping the big stuff, just dump the little stuff. That will help build trust between you and who you're working with. Plus usually some of that bigger stuff comes out anyways. Just be that loving mother that you never had towards yourself.
I've been on this healing trail a long time and I noticed since many (including myself) had no control over what happened to us in the past. When we start this healing we tend to focus on controlling our healing. We start to worry about what we should or should not say, or what to do or not do. In a way we build our roadblocks with what we're accustomed to, fear. That fear often grinds everything to a halt, making us unable to move forward.
When I started, I started out like a raging river, my banks where the pains from my past. I wanted to quickly erode those banks, removing that pain. My raging river was clear, I could see forward, yet when i quickly slammed into those banks of pain, I tainted my clear waters so fast that I could no longer see forward. Fear took over and that fear became the dam. I could no longer move forward. Yet with all dams, water does escaped. Now I become a slow meandering stream, I still have those banks of pain, but I'm no longer slamming into them, gently flowing past them, slowly eroding them, removing that pain a little at a time. My waters don't get tainted as much and I can still see clearly ahead. Yes there were times part of those banks fell in tainting my clear waters, but I remained that slow stream not turning things up more than I had to, (not worrying about the process, not worried about controlling it, just letting it flow). That silt(pain) quickly settles and I can see forward and still progress in a slow and calm fashion.
So patient, kind and gentle with yourself and that stream inside you will become a calm sun glimmering lake someday!! :)
Inside my own, personal experience -don't accuse me of expertise- a visit with a family member would be a classic trigger for the yaddahs of my repressed blahs. The trigger is just what sets off the sequence. Once the sequence is initiated, it takes on a life of its own and each sequence is as unique as a dream/nightmare. I can no more control the sequence than I can control the flight path of a bullet I accidentally triggered from a gun I didn't know was loaded.
It be complex, poorly understood stuff, squeak. I take it in small bytes and chew each byte, carefully spitting out the bones and glass as I chew, for a very long time before I break off the next byte. Itsy, bitsy, baby steps.
Feel free to explore the symptom here, squeak. We don't diagnose here, but we don't require doctor referrals, either. Just offering gentle support while we sort.
Walkin & arfie - you guys are great with analogies! The thing said about sequences rings very true for myself too! I have certain patterns of behavior after something has upset me.
Are all your triggers synomous with the type of trauma you went through? I have blocked out most of my past so I am unsure if mine do. Most of them seem so random.
Like once my boyfriend held me down and tried to touch me with chewed gum (I hate gum so very, very much.) We were goofing off and then all the sudden I was overcome with panic. I started yelling and doing everything I could physically to buck him off me. Then I ran into the bathroom, locked the door, and cried. I felt as though I was having a horrible panic attack. It took me hours to fully calm down. I couldn't explain why it happened, we were both confused. He hasn't done that since.
And that was just an instant panic. Other things happen that put me into a state of depression for days to weeks even months. It seems like there's no rhyme or reason a lot of the time.
I would suggest to see a trauma therapist. The therapist that is helping you get in better relations with a family that abused you....either doesn't know about the abuse or is not a good therapist.
For sure, my early observations of it came from contemplating "Reminders." It is far easier for me to stay objective when I am not falling into a mental schism. Those flashbacks can still hit me like nightmares I can't wake up from because I am awake when they start.
Tusitalo - I agree that diagnosis comes strictly from doctor evaluation. It seems to be the consensus that I see a trauma therapist. When I have money again I will look into finding one in my area.
arfie - I am unfamiliar with the terminology used in relation to this subject. Maybe once I see a trauma specialist I can become familiar with the difference between trigger and reminder.
Checking in with rape crisis in your area might help cause they may have resources to help you get a trauma therapist for little to nothing. There are some that have sliding scales based on your income.
I'm glad you at least have a therapist at school who. An help you in the meantime.
No matter what try and take care of the little girl and the adult woman you have become. Its important to nurture yourself while you go through all of this and sort out things.
Please keep coming around because there are some great people here and you will find a lot of support here. I have myself found a lot of love and support here. Gentle support to you.