Spooky, I thought I was the only one with a plan like that. While my wife is alive I still have the same feelings as you do about not being needed any longer and what is on the other side. You ( and I ) need to find direction and make life worth living. Im still looking but think when I have Grandkids in a few years I can again make a differance in someones life ( I hope ) PTSD is meen and will hunt me down and grab me by the throat and cast darkness no matter what I do or where I go, but light will overcome darkness and we need to find that light before its too late. Best of luck and dont give up....

am so sorry to hear the pain in ur voice. i can totally identify with the demons in ur head that drive suicidal thoughts. i believe god is a forgiving and kind god. i dont believe he would send someone to hell for being sick. and lets face it ptsd is an illness. have fought for years to be a whole person but after failed marriage to a narcissist and another relationship with another one the ultimate pain came when i lost my 28yr. old only child. she was the essence of my being in every way. i understand not wanting to be here. it is a very large struggle for me everyday. embrace ur children they need u a lot more than u realize. please look at the whole picture. u do have many rays of hope. i hope this helps in some way.

I want you to know I have felt the same way, and still do feel that way at times. I recently went into the hospital after becoming suicidal. That really did help, I believe it saved my life. Please consider going to the hospital if things get bad. I have wondered the same thing about what Jesus thinks about suicide. I think somehow He is able to carry us through this sometimes horrible life and that there is yet work for us to do helping others--here on DS and elsewhere. Your pain qualifies you to reach people no one else could. I don't know you but I would hate to lose a fellow member of the "family of pain". Please drop me a line if you need to talk. I am here for you and I care.

I feel the same way but I don't have human children. I have a dog I've raised from a puppy. He's 10.5 yrs old now. I will not abandon him. But I hate my life everyday. I have since childhood. It's only gotten worse. Like you, I've tried lots and lots of therapy of all kinds. I don't feel like anything is really gonna change. I don't even have anything to look forward to anymore.

I hope that things get better for you. Wish I had some suggestions or something but I feel the same as you.

What Dreams May Come is a good movie to watch. I really believe if you do commit then you still live out an eternity of the same hell on earth. I remember my mom saying I brought you into this world I can take you out...I used to think then do it. Our paradise will come at the right time. The people who caused us pain will have their eternity of the same sorts without suicide. I agree with blacktimber that someone will give us meaning again, whether we go out and find it or it is placed upon us through another child or friendship.

I think Jesus fully understands our pain and suffering and understands the want to get out of it. I have felt that way for about 20 years but i now am enjoying life and no longer feel suicidal. I cant imagine killing myself. I enjoy life and have a great wife and love doing things with her and other friends. I have had a lifetime of pain to work through - i am 48 years old but i am really enjoying life right now.

Pls see my other post about neurofeedback and LENS treatment. Many people who have PTSD use it and it has been proven to be very effective in treating those with PTSD and trauma. I have been doing it since feb and i am coming out of a 40 year depresson. I wanted to do cartwheels in the aisle of the grocery store i felt so good yesterday. dont give up ! there is hope/help avaiable !! Give this a try !!

agent smith . that is how i have alway felt .i have a black lab that is 10.5 also. he is the reason i am still here.