Sean:

You ex-wife's behavior seems totally out of bounds! As far as I'm concerned you have every right to react strongly. I don't think there is anything wrong with being gay, but that is not what that was all about. It sounds like she was trying to upset you.

As for always waiting for the blow to come -- I know that feeling well. I'm a little more optimistic than I was a year ago (when I truly had a breakdown), but part of PTSD is that feeling that trauma is always just around the corner.

I don't have any great words of wisdom, but I did want you to know that I'm listening and I support you and most of all, that I care.

Clair

your ex wifes behaviour was really cruel and not nice at all, it was totally unforgiveable. I have found with the same sex it is a matter of making small steps. For example, I could never talk to men my fathers age as it brought up memories and I felt they would treat me the same as he did. I was in the situation where I was referred to a male therapist who did relaxation techniques and put me in a trance. I found that very challenging and was scared as it was just myself and him in the room but kept telling myself he was a professional and I could leave if wanted. I only went for a few sessions as felt too uncomfortable but wanted to show myself not all men especially that age could take advantage

Sean, Raynee here. I can't say I understand what you are going thru, but on the flip side I can. Rape is rape no matter who is the victim or who is the aggressor.
It's ok not to trust. You have to learn to trust on your terms. One way to do that is to look for the positive in people and not just see the negative. Its hard to do with what has happened, but it can be done.
As far as your ex wife goes. If you let her get to you and she knows she gets to you, she will keep doing what she is doing. Block her out if you can. Don't let her know she upsets you and eventually, hopefully, she will stop.
Good luck to you.

Oh just wanted you to know my ex-wife and I have not seen each other in years. What she did was before 2000 just was using her like an example.

get into some healing work, if you aren't already, and see if you can begin to build a trusting relationship with a male. fidning a therapist who is a man, who comes to you with good recommendations from someone you would trust, is a good, safe place to begin. it won't be the easiest thing in the world, but that's why they call t. work.

i was victimized by men--in and out of my family...old and young, and adolescent. when i was elementary, middle, high school and college aged. again in hte work place harassed by a co-worker, and then approached by a boss and later, by a pastor (both of those later times, i was strong enough to report and keep anything from happening beyond the initial time i was approached inappropriately...however, that doesn't make all men bad, nor do i distrust all men.

i am not openly or blindly trusting, but i don't fear them either. i am wise about boundaries now. i've learned what to watch for, learned to take better care of myself, (there's a good book called "Safe People" i think by Henry Cloud, that is really helpful in this area) learned not to put myself in vulnerable positions, and have found that i can relate very well with men on an equal footing now, without fear. i don't have to control them, and htey treat me with respect. if they don't , i have the freedom to walk away.

it's important to do the work that will help you realize that you are not at their mercy and you need not fear them.

the example you gave regarding your ex-wife's behavior is a good one. she is completely outside of her boundaries to do such a thing. wow. first of all, it's ridiculous to suggest that a man being victimized by a man even remotely indicates he may be homosexual. she is uninformed. many lesbian women would strongly disagree with that statement as well, having been victimized by their male abusers certainly didn't make them heterosexual...it's a ludicrous argument. it would suggest some choice in the assault for you, and the very definition of assault puts the blame fully with the abuser. often victims accept some false shame and try to blame themselves or fall for the mised (and wrong) messages abusers or families give them (like my family did that it was my fault), but that is twisted and wrong. being raped by a man does not make a male victim gay. i'm so sorry she said something so hurtful. she is simply uninformed and wrong.

I wouldn't expect behaviour like that from any adult. I wouldn't go near her or have anyone in your life that would do that to you. Obviously she didn't give a shit if she could do something like that knowing your history.