Something i wrote at work...
Sums up the way I have been feeling,

Why when I do everything right,
does it always turns out wrong?
I live life like a normal person,
but don't get rewarded.
I eat healthy, and walk regularly,
but my hormones are so outta whack,
that I just feel like shit.
I go off Birth Control to start a family,
and what do I get??

30 pounds of excess fat,
Thinning hair,
Acne,
Unwanted hair growth,
Constant pain...
Polycystic Ovarian Symdrome.
Infertility.
In other words. Hell.
I just wan't to scream.
AAAAAHHHHHGGGG!!!!!

The one thing I want the most,
My calling, my purpose,
I cannot acheive.
A baby.
Over a year of pills, surgeries,
and countless breakdowns...
And you ask if I'm better?
Nope.
Im worse. No closer to my wish.

I stand in the mirror,
holding my tummy.
Thinking about how cute I will be,
when I'm with child.
I cant wait to feel another life,
growing within my womb. My life.
But my stomach is big, bloated, not with a baby.
but with pain, infection, and suffering.
I think "Maybe this will be the month!"
Only to see another negative test.
I think "Maybe next month?"
Only to have 3 continuous months of sickness,
Bleeding, Dizzyness... Depression.
All hopes... dreams... Gone.

My husband.
So strong, and caring.
He is everything i could ever want. Ask for.
And I know he is hurting too...
I wish I could give him everything,
but the thing he wants the most.. I Can't.
In his frustration he breaks down.
"Why do THEY get to have a baby,
and WE don't??
Questions i cannot answer.
Sorry.

It's all I can think about.
Constantly running though my head.
Questions.
Why me? Why now? Why this?
It is affecting everything.
My work, my social life, my marriage.
I have no self esteem.
My friends are gone, my family is gone,
even my apperance is gone.
Meeting new people terrifies me.
What will they think?
"She's fat", "she's Ugly", "She's weird"
Really I'm just hiding something.
Pain. Hurting. Insecurities.
Hiding it all behind a fading smile.
I'm one step from a breakdown,
But two steps from being saved...

Some days I'm motivated, happy, hopefull.
But not often.
Most mornings I dont even want to leave bed.
I want to just sleep... so I dont think.
Think of defeat, giving up... on everything.
Is it too much to ask? Just for a child?
Invitro cost more than I make in 6 months.
Adopting cost more than I make in 5 years.
When will I catch a break?!
WHEN!?

Woman, teens, even KIDS everywhere,
are having babies.
They bring children into this world,
and act as if it is a chore.
A kid is just another mouth to feed,
and another $ to claim on their taxes.
Teenagers aborting lives,
beautiful little lives.
Crack head beating their little ones,
black and blue.
Makes me sick to my stomach,
how life is taken for granted.
Baby number 1,2,3...
Babies who aren't appreciated.
Babies that have so much potential,
and don't get the love they need.
Children who live in fear,
who dont know what it feels like,
to be loved. Held. Safe.

Oh, all the things I could offer.
I know I won't be Super Mom.
I have flaws.
Who doesnt?
But it doesnt take money and nice things
to raise a baby.
It takes unconditional love, patience, consistency.
Time.
I can offer all those.

I can't wait to look into my baby's eyes,
hear their first cry...
See their first smile.
I'm excited to teach them,
and see them learn. Succeed.
Watching them grow up.
Answering all their questions.
Teaching them all I know, and everything they need,
to be happy.
That's all I want??
Is that too much to ask for??

It seems like no one else has this curse.
Why me?