Polyamory Community Group
A place to discuss living a polyamorous lifestyle - the joys, the challenges and everything in between. Polyamory (a hybrid word -poly is Greek for many and amor is Latin for love - coined by among others Neopagan poet, author, lecturer, and priestess Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart) means "The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at...
My husband and I opened our relationship a long time ago, at the beginning of our relationship. Unfortunately we started on bad terms.
Our relationship was going south and he offered this up as a solution. I agreed because at the time, I'd do anything to work on our relationship. The problem was, I've always been strictly monogamous. So when we decided to do this, I felt like I kind of lost a bit of myself in the process.
And of course jealousy was a big part. He got happier but he didn't want to work on any of the issues I was having so things only got worse. The woman he started seeing kept asking him to leave me for her, and over time it got so bad, he almost agreed. And then I got pregnant. I guess he "came to his senses" and he stopped seeing her and agreed to close our relationship, he agreed it was the best for our child.
Fast forward to when our son was born, he and I both fell into a depression, his was due to work, mine was postpartum. Unfortunately he left me to deal with it alone, and the baby. I grew so tired and lonely that after 2 years, I agreed to open our relationship up once more.
This time around it was much better, we were very open and honest, and understand on both sides. But then, very recently, he met a woman, and got very attached, very quickly. I discussed with him how it made me feel uneasy, especially when he choose to spend time with her over me and his son, often.
I started getting the feelings I was before, when we first started this journey. And no matter what I asked him to do, whether it was spend a little extra time with us or to be home when I need him, he faught we me, tooth and nail. So finally I asked him what he wanted and he told me he wants something permanent with her like he has with me.
And tbh I'm not even close to being ready for something like that. Buy he told me that's the only way he'll be happy.
So for the sake of our son and my love for my husband, do I just let him have what he wants and try to find a way to live with it? And how much of myself do I have to lose just to be happy with him?
And if I choose to be ok with this, how do I get him to understand that me and our son come first and are important too?
Probably the best place to start is on the concept of polyamory, which is often misrepresented by people both in and outside the poly community. For a more detailed explanation check out polyamory.today and also Neopoly - The Evolution of Polyamory: https://www.dailystrength.org/group/polyamory/discussion/neopoly-the-evolution-of-polyamory
Once you have all these variable in perspective, most of your issues should dissolve. Also feel free to ask questions and email me directly, or setup a Skype audio meeting if you want to talk.
In the meantime, reflect on these concepts: The issue of who gets priorities in relationships should shift depending on the hierarchy of needs associated with the situation.
For example you say you and your son should come first. However what if your partner and whoever else he might be with were suddenly in a serious car crash? Should he leave the scene to attend to you and your son who are doing fine? Obviously the answer is "No". Does that mean you and your son aren't important? No.
The above example is one of an extreme circumstance, but most situations aren't as black and white. There is a gradient and it can be a challenge to keep things in balance. Ideally, there shouldn't be any clash of priorities. If you and your son are in need, then your husband and anyone else who is in the relationship should be there to help.
In truly poly relationships, the more positive people there are in a relationship, the more resources are available to individuals in need.
If this sort of dynamic isn't happening, then you're not really in a poly relationship, or even a neopoly relationship. And if you're married, it's even more problematic. Technically your just in an open marriage, which in and of itself is ethically problematic ( at least by most Western standards ).
Personally, my belief is that when one chooses marriage under the usual Western model, they're agreeing to enter into a lifelong monogamous romantic relationship. As unrealistic as I think that is, I do believe that if that's the path people choose, then they should be prepared to make the personal sacrifices necessary to make it work rather than acting like hypocrites. Otherwise they'll end-up in similar situations to yours.
Can your particular situation be resolved? It's possible, but only if everyone who has a stake in the overall situation can come to a common understanding and agreement. That will require honesty, appreciation, respect, and communication. If you all cannot make that happen, then it might be better to simply go your separate ways and hope to find what you are looking for with someone else who is on your same wavelength.
Nobody said it would be easy. But you seem to have a lot of determination.
If one relationship is challenging, how will multiple relationships be easier? Only if you master the art of avoidance, which is NOT healthy at all.
I'd strongly suggest you reach out to work with a poly-affirming therapist together. Right now it sounds like there's been so much struggle and depression and other relationships are being used like a band aid, but there's a really deep need for internal relationship repair work. Psychology Today has listings for poly-affirming therapists and counsellors.