Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been out for 7 months now and have advised my husband of 23 years I am filing this week. Should be a very easy divorce because when I left I took care of all finacial issues at that time as far as seperating bills and vechicles and such. He, of course wanted a meeting. I suggested Dairy Queen between our houses. Had enough guts to actually say stuff like "you treated me just as badly as I treated you", "you will reap what you sew", "the kids will follow your lead and leave their spouses", "If you do this you are not letting God work this thru", "No wonder our daughter is in so much trouble", "All our dreams are going down the toilet"....ON AND ON AND ON. Unbeleivable. To his credit it never got out of control. I eventually just left...about 2 hours too late in my opinion. WOW is he so not seening his abuse. He has actually tried to tell our 20 year old that "mom is spreading lies about me at Church and she is actually the abusive one". She made him stop the car, told him she was there (did he forget that??) and got out. Good for her. I don't regret for one minute leaving. Not one tear was shed.
Bottom line if this little story?
They do not change. They do not acknowledge. If you want validation don't expect it from them! SIGH.....
Bottom line if this little story?
They do not change. They do not acknowledge. If you want validation don't expect it from them! SIGH.....
He won't get it, and it was actually a huge relief to me when I really understood that. It reduced the stress of trying, and wondering why I couldn't get through to him and what I was doing wrong.
He knows this because of how he acts with his friends and how he has become more chilled out.
He knows this because he cannot forget the pain of what he did to me "on the last day" or sometimes "during the last month". or when we first talked about it and I told him, "during our relationship".
He is so sorry that he gambles all of his money (he gambled during our relationship) because it is the only way he can hurt himself for the pain he caused me. All of this would stop if we got back together.
He understands exactly how I feel and if I correct him about how I feel then he immediately understands that too adn starts using that language until he forgets about it a few montsh later.
He knows what he's done adn that he's changed without going on a change programme - even possibly lying that he had been for even one week. He knows he has learned from reading.
All he wants is me. all he needs his me. his whole life. but, that's not true when we meet - he has other parts of life too! he understands that a relationship is about two people having lots of things to do in their lives and that partners are the most important part, but not the only part. except that without me he is nothing and would die - until he has a good think tank and then he is all sorted out and that's not true anymore. everything would be OK withor without me, he understands my pain and taht if we couldn't be together, he would be fine witht that. he would accept that.
Except for the 5 or 6 times when he hasn't so far... when he's threatened to break into my house and rang and texted and harassed until I changed my mind...
What I'm trying to say is that sometimes, you think they do get it. They say they get it. They tell you all of the things you need. and that's what keeps you held. the hope that all of the subtleties which you see between the lines which make you feel so uncomfortable and like something is so very wrong with those words... that it's just you. but it's not. they still don't get it, even if they say they do. but you have to read between the lines to understand. and then you have to take what you see and trust in yourself and in what you see, not in what they say. because they'll deny and twist and deny adn change for whatever you say or do! but it doesn't mean it's ok. just watch their language change, their words alter and be inconsistent, and their moods waver. watch. and believe. and break out without any regret or guilt, with the knowledge that it was true... without the need to try again just to check...
They do not change.
Pick up and make a better life, with the abuser in your rear view mirror.
Hugs to you for your pain...but congrats for knowing when enough is enough.
Yeah right. He really is changing for as long as it takes to get you back on the hook.
Stay strong, ladies, and stay safe.
Hugs...