Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I know what your response will be but I want to tell you about the latest BS with my ex husband. He is retiring from the military and seeking a civilian job. He is moving from Texas to wherever he finds a job. Earlier in the week he texted me and told me that he is having a yard sale and wants to clean out the garage. I should explain that this man has a three bedroom house full of stuff that we have purchased through our lives together and also a lot of crap he bought after I left. The last time I visited him I went through a lot of stuff in the garage, keep forever style stuff. I took what I wanted of my personal belongings and threw the rest away. I repackaged, very neatly, all of my kids things. Their belongings from childhood, from their bedrooms, their collections over the years. There are about seven or eight boxes total and truly a drop in the bucket compared to all the crap he has.
He is making an issue of this. They are college age. I just want him to keep them until they have their own place and can decide what they want to do with it. Keep in mind he is in Texas and I am in Seattle and I cannot just go get it. He wants to go through it and get rid of stuff and narrow it down A LOT and I am just being EMOTIONAL and THE KIDS DONT NEED IT. NOONE WANTS THIS STUFF, SHANNON.
He threatened me in this way a few months ago and I told him to please tape them up, as is, and mail them to me and I would pay the postage. Now, he is at it again. Honestly, my thoughts are not to respond to him about it. He is using it as an excuse to get me sucked in again. To hurt me. And it works. It hurts. It is so cruel. I think of their little baby things and I wonder what kind of cold father would do this. I hardly know how to respond or what to say.
I thought of an email saying The boxes dont take up that much room. Please keep them for our kids until they are all done with college. OR mail them to me, at my expense.
I also thought of doing nothing because I have already said it and it is breaking NC.
He is making an issue of this. They are college age. I just want him to keep them until they have their own place and can decide what they want to do with it. Keep in mind he is in Texas and I am in Seattle and I cannot just go get it. He wants to go through it and get rid of stuff and narrow it down A LOT and I am just being EMOTIONAL and THE KIDS DONT NEED IT. NOONE WANTS THIS STUFF, SHANNON.
He threatened me in this way a few months ago and I told him to please tape them up, as is, and mail them to me and I would pay the postage. Now, he is at it again. Honestly, my thoughts are not to respond to him about it. He is using it as an excuse to get me sucked in again. To hurt me. And it works. It hurts. It is so cruel. I think of their little baby things and I wonder what kind of cold father would do this. I hardly know how to respond or what to say.
I thought of an email saying The boxes dont take up that much room. Please keep them for our kids until they are all done with college. OR mail them to me, at my expense.
I also thought of doing nothing because I have already said it and it is breaking NC.
My ex husband would do this type of thing all the time to get in contact with me. We had already discussed it and he knew what I wanted, but he'd talk about doing the opposite.
Your ex KNOWS what you want- you can tell by the way he says you are "too emotional" and "nobody wants this stuff". You do-and he knows it. This is a ploy. Ultimately he will do whatever he wants to do with it anyway, so it's not worth breaking NC for.
Number Two, it sounds as though it is mostly not your stuff but your college age children's things. If they are in college they should be over 18, (assuming there is not a No contact order between your ex and your mutual children), they are old enough to deal with this stuff themselves directly with him. It is time they make their first adult decision - they have spring break coming up maybe he can pay for them to come visit him and go through it.
Tell your adult children to talk to their dad about the stuff they have at his house. Don't respond to your ex's messages and don't give your children any messages to carry to your ex for you (that is also a violation of the NC order). You need to let it go, and let him do or not do whatever he is going to do with your mutual adult children's stuff. He is in violation of the NC order by texting, and you could have the court or sheriff remind him that it is not okay.
Don't allow this man to continue to abuse you from afar.
My kids are in contact with him somewhat regularly and you are absolutely right that he can talk to them about it. Also, absolutely correct that they can tell him what they want or don't want out of these items.
He knows it is emotional for me. What mom doesn't want the baby shoes? At least I do have the photo albums and the videos and that might just have to be enough. I have the people. The babies that grew. They are mine and he can go to hell.
What kind of monster does this?
I love that, by the way. Spot on.
It's also their control over us, telling us how we should act/feel/respond and that everything we do/say is wrong.
My suggestion is not respond. It's possible he's talking about doing all these things but there won't be any action. He knows what he's doing.
"Why hasn't he called? Has he moved on? Has he met someone? Is he and his new girlfriend going through my baby clothes? (ha!) Crazy thoughts." Ignoring that he is still asleep in bed because three weeks ago when I saw him last he slept (and drank) until four every afternoon and was gross and reeked. But when I start thinking, Oh, he is out biking like we used to do or whatever, maybe he has changed (in three weeks?) this is when I get dangerous and start to think of breaking NC.
Not this time. I won't. I am committed to healing. I want to do the work and this is part of it. I would rather, so much rather, heal than to hold onto hope that he will change.. Hey, if he changes and does all his recovery work, it is likely that he will know where to find me years down the road.
Today is just hard and I suspect this week-end will be difficult. My first real true and committed NC week-end. I do have a busy time planned so I think that will help.
Thanks for the support.
I also get on dailystrength & talk to you wonderful people whenever I really feel overwhelmed with the need to contact him.
I also will put my headphones on and clean, clean, clean everything and anything. Somehow cleaning bathrooms makes me feel better! lol
You can do this! The weekend's can be hard but try not to think about him or what he may be doing unless it's to remind yourself of all the negative things he's probably still doing and that you aren't dealing with or around anymore. Keeping you in my prayers especially through the weekend. ((((Shannon))))
Six days!
I was able to get through a rough patch today and did not contact him and I am ever so very glad that I didn't. Maybe I have finished with the awful compulsive, uncontrolled behaviors of the past.
Sounds like you kept good control to me! :)
Good Job! {{hugz}}