Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am better then yesterday but I am still really struggling and I fear it is only the beginning. I wish there was a pill to get over the anxiety, pain and sadness of this whole process of letting go, getting over it, self doubt, second guessing, "what if", etc. etc. etc. that all goes along with this.
By the way, on our way home from my moms last night with my husband (my mom just got out of the hospital last night, I stayed with her at the hospital overnight Satuday), we were in the car, not once did he ask how my mom was (nor did he at all that day), but told me that his mom pointed out to him how "efficient, observant, etc. he is without skipping a beat he can be by himself with two kids, be calm, eat, make sure the kids use their forks, etc. & that his mom told him that he just needs to know that not everyone is like that and he just needs to understand that and not say anything", nothing accusitory, or rude, just as matter of fact as could be. When we got home, he sorted the laundry and brought a load of laundry down to be washed and again, as matter as factly as possible said to me "I'm going to put you in charge of this load of laundry, there is currently a load in the washer and when it is finished if you could just put this load in the washer and then dryer, that would be great". I would have been fine with the entire comment but for the "I'm going to put you in charge". I said nothing because if I would have I know he would've said he meant nothing by it. Did I over anaylize that statement when I thought "is he trying to be my father? Is he trying to keep me on task". You see, he always says hims comments, etc. with the calmest, coolest demeaner, so it makes it harder when I say something because he never yells or screams.
Trying to stay strong, positive and pray pray pray. I am no longer praying for change in him, I am praying for guidance, clarity, strength, courage, mercy, grace, happiness, acceptance, etc.
By the way, on our way home from my moms last night with my husband (my mom just got out of the hospital last night, I stayed with her at the hospital overnight Satuday), we were in the car, not once did he ask how my mom was (nor did he at all that day), but told me that his mom pointed out to him how "efficient, observant, etc. he is without skipping a beat he can be by himself with two kids, be calm, eat, make sure the kids use their forks, etc. & that his mom told him that he just needs to know that not everyone is like that and he just needs to understand that and not say anything", nothing accusitory, or rude, just as matter of fact as could be. When we got home, he sorted the laundry and brought a load of laundry down to be washed and again, as matter as factly as possible said to me "I'm going to put you in charge of this load of laundry, there is currently a load in the washer and when it is finished if you could just put this load in the washer and then dryer, that would be great". I would have been fine with the entire comment but for the "I'm going to put you in charge". I said nothing because if I would have I know he would've said he meant nothing by it. Did I over anaylize that statement when I thought "is he trying to be my father? Is he trying to keep me on task". You see, he always says hims comments, etc. with the calmest, coolest demeaner, so it makes it harder when I say something because he never yells or screams.
Trying to stay strong, positive and pray pray pray. I am no longer praying for change in him, I am praying for guidance, clarity, strength, courage, mercy, grace, happiness, acceptance, etc.
" Oh, I don't have time right now. You'll have to be in charge of it"
Then just walk away and go about your business.
You are in charge of you.
As for him not asking about your Mom... Well that is insensitive, but you have no control over his actions. Expecting him to say the right thing ( in your mind) Is just like him expecting you to do the right house chores ( in his mind)
It would be great if as people... we could always get out way and our loved ones would just do our bidding, act and say what we want them to say... etc..
We are free to stand up for ourselves without anger or blame.
There doesn't have to be drama. Do what you want to do. If the other person disapproves.... that is up to them. Don't be afraid of another person's anger and/or disapproval.
Unless of course it reached a point where your civil rights are infringed upon.. they hit you or destroy your belongings.. and then it's a criminal matter and the police should be called.
It's so simple really... our minds make it difficult.
I totally understand the mental and emotional whirlpool that Confused2013 is in.
I have not yet gotten my mind wrapped around the mindset that it is his problem not mine because I have always been made to feel he is the one with the brains and I am not. I am just a few months into acceptance of being emotionally abused and still trying to get some confidence and self esteem to be able to view things in that way because I am so broken from all the years of negative comments. I can't wait until I can get to that point, life will be so grand. =)
Thanks ooooo
Being around mean people is a drag!
I have changed so much. I have developed some healthy narcissism. Trying to curb my unhealthy narcissism too.... trying hard to follow the golden rule, but it's a process for sure.
Taking care of ourselves like we are in warrior training is a must!
I agree talking about it here helps. But it's action and self care that will do the most good. standing up for ourselves and asking how we would feel if our daughters were receiving the same treatment??
Being our own best friend isn't easy... but it's worth a try.
I think as human beings we can brush off our thoughts as if we don't understand them and we can analize them as behavioural aspects of ourselves but the truth is that we are capable of inner knowledge and something's that we see or the silence of unspoken ignorance really is the way it is.
The thing about abuse is that it truly distorts your reality and makes u fully believe that your thoughts are wrong. That your gut is fooling you! But it's not!
You are NOT reading too much into it, you are reading it perfectly the only thing your not doing is trusting what your seeing!
What is your expectation of abuse? Should it be words that are spoken and are loud?
I can tell u that softly spoken (or silence), underhanded anusive digs are the worst kind of abuse because you'll be questioning th forever!
I believe in you! Trust me, intelligence has fuck all to do with awareness on this level. You are aware, your even aware of the silent abuse and THAT'S how aware u are!
You replied to my post before and I must say that it showed me your level of awareness!
I know u can't pin point it, I know this because neither could I, what I have learned is to follow my gut because when your getting signs but no straight answers, your gut is all u have!
Confused regardless of why he is the way he is, he's not considering your feelings and how he treats you and that's wrong, it's unhealthy and it's ignorant !
Him saying that he will and then doing it are two completely different things.
Actions speak louder than words! (That's something I need to remind myself with my latest lesson)
It is not impossible for another human being to respect another human being but it is possible for that to be ignored!
He's ignoring that aspect and regardless of why it's still abuse, plane and simple x
But I do respect others points of view, I just wanted to being it back to you and acknowledge what it must be like for you to put up with this!
It's making u ill. You don't have to live like this! You deserve peace
Just another teeny tiny dig to make you feel bad - and to make you realise what a wonderful catch you have. Even his mother thinks so (well, duh!).
I have this with my father. For years, my mother was a raging abusive alcoholic. Constantly blowing up about nothing. My father on the other hand, was a calm, rational soul - always the victim. When my mother died (the alcohol eventually killed her), he turned his tactics on me. Always needling, finding buttons and pushing them. Calmly, never openly aggressive, rarely openly putting me down, just picking button after button after button and gently pushing it. Now that I can see what he's doing, I'm better at deflecting or not reacting - but he's VERY good at it and so sometimes I do react. Just this weekend, he was doing it and I was finding myself getting worked up and angry. Then he made a mistake (he doesn't know I'm "on to" him), by saying "well, you're the one getting angry. I'm not angry, I'm perfectly calm". That was designed to have me go absolutely livid with rage about the fact that he was CAUSING my anger (used to work with mother). But what it did was bring me back into the moment, back into reality. So I stopped and just said "you don't even want to know what my response to that is, so let's just change the subject" (my response being along the lines of "yes, that's how you killed my mother). He tried a few more times to push it, but once I was back in reality, I refused to allow it and managed to change the subject.
The point of that long-winded story is that this is the sort of thing your H is doing to you as well. Any single incident is no big deal - he's not beating you, he's not calling you bitch and whore and all the other horrible names, he's not obviously putting you down. So it's all in your head. Except that it's not. It's not. It's a deliberate (whether consciously so or not) long term tactic by him to drag you down. He doesn't criticise you, he doesn't need to because after so many years, he barely needs to even open his mouth before you do the work for him. I bet there are times he can just raise an eyebrow and your insides go off into that emotional whirlwind of how awful you are, how useless and oversensitive and and and ...
For the record, I think you nailed it with the "I'm going to put you in charge" - like he even has the RIGHT to "put" you in charge. As you say, it's him trying to claim the "father" role. Then, tomorrow or next week or some other time, it will be "I even have to tell you when to do the laundry". Personally, I don't think it's about analytical thinking, because I'm an analytical thinker too, but that doesn't mean I feel a need to put myself above others. I most certainly wouldn't tell a partner that "I'm going to put [him] in charge" of some chore or other. If I'd started the chore or I couldn't do it or for some other reason wanted his assistance, I'd simply say "could you put this load of laundry on when the one in there finishes?" I would assume he knew how to do so (wouldn't presume to tell an adult - partner or otherwise - the steps he/she needs to take in order to carry out a load of laundry), nor would it be a "from on high" declaration of my handing over authority for this one load of laundry.
Sorry that was so long, it's just that I really get why you feel the way you do, and it's SO hard to actually put a finger on, because it's like water torture. No individual drip is really any kind of a problem, and to complain about a drip of water is just being a bit ridiculous. But when it's drip after drip after drip after drip after drip after ....
You're not overreacting, overanalysing, oversensitive or over anything else (other than, perhaps, over the water torture).