Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello,
I have been together with my husband for 20 years. For the first 10 years of our marriage, there was a lot of physical abuse, then we separated and I was going to get a divorce from him. However, he came to realize his wrong ways and we reconciled. We had a few good years after that, had our son, and all as wonderful. However, slowly over time he became very emotionally abusive, and last year I was finally going to pull the plug. Again, we reconciled. By all signs he is completely changed, we did therapy together and i also did separate therapy at the women's center in our town. I have to say though, both therapy sessions seemed to focus on trying to talk "sense" into me, and try to "help" me see the good and to somehow keep my marriage together, given out past history, he is a great guy (he really is), etc...To complicate the issue, I have developed feelings for someone else at work (nothing ever happened between us). We are no longer in contact with each other, as a matter of fact, I quit my job and moved out of state.
Nevertheless, I am unable to desire my husband, not sexually, not in any way. I am the most content when we are not together. I don't have the heart to break-up our family and leave him, but living like this takes a enormous amount of energy. Has anyone gone through anything like this before? Will I want him again, ever? I used to love him very much...even after our initial separation in 2002...
I have been together with my husband for 20 years. For the first 10 years of our marriage, there was a lot of physical abuse, then we separated and I was going to get a divorce from him. However, he came to realize his wrong ways and we reconciled. We had a few good years after that, had our son, and all as wonderful. However, slowly over time he became very emotionally abusive, and last year I was finally going to pull the plug. Again, we reconciled. By all signs he is completely changed, we did therapy together and i also did separate therapy at the women's center in our town. I have to say though, both therapy sessions seemed to focus on trying to talk "sense" into me, and try to "help" me see the good and to somehow keep my marriage together, given out past history, he is a great guy (he really is), etc...To complicate the issue, I have developed feelings for someone else at work (nothing ever happened between us). We are no longer in contact with each other, as a matter of fact, I quit my job and moved out of state.
Nevertheless, I am unable to desire my husband, not sexually, not in any way. I am the most content when we are not together. I don't have the heart to break-up our family and leave him, but living like this takes a enormous amount of energy. Has anyone gone through anything like this before? Will I want him again, ever? I used to love him very much...even after our initial separation in 2002...
Gosh, really terrible that you had to deal with it being put on your shoulders to accept HIM!! If he's abusive, it's up to HIM to change and prove it, not you!!
If you live in the US I highly recommend calling the number at "thehotline.org." They can give you resources. Also, Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" is an excellent book, if you haven't read it already.
If it takes an enormous amount of energy to maintain the relationship, is it possible that you're carrying the relationship?
In my own situation, I was afraid to break up the family, but then learned that it's actually better for the kids. Currently in the process of divorce, and sure enough I see a positive change already.
To that, I would like to very gently add... why is it, do you think, that you worry about wanting someone whom you have more than an inkling treats you badly and takes you for granted?
It takes two people to give to have a healthy relationship xxx
generally true is that
for a woman to feel
desirous, she has
to be reasonably
centered and
happy --- certainly
happy with the
partner.
Perhaps it has
something to do
with what
Renee Descartes
said, a few hundred
years ago:
The senses deceive from time to time, and it is prudent never to trust wholly those who have deceived us even once.
Rene Descartes
Well, to answer the questions on why I want to be with him, is because he really has changed, we actually did 2 different sets of therapy. In a way I kinda feel that he got it worse, because now he is fully aware of what he did and how he killed everything in me. I think we are at the point where I am better off emotionally, and I honestly worry about him making it. He is actually a very good person, believe it or not. But, there is no sugar coating it, he did some awful, awful things to me. I feel that I came out on top, and all of this did teach him a lot, and helped him heal from a lot of baggage he had. But, it destroyed the woman in me. For a while I used to think that I was lesbian, until a girl hit on me. Then, my emotional affair happened, and I realized that for sure, I am heterosexual. For a year now he has been nothing but affectionate with me, but the little doubting voice just doesn't go away, and I find it almost impossible to be with him. However, my kids didn't really get it that something was wrong between us and now they absolutely adore him and all the fun things he is doing with them. he is trying so hard...it would have been amazing to leave the past behind and finally have a normal life...it is hard on him, because he can sense that I do not want him. He has proven now himself to me, yet, somehow I still can't accept him. Has any of you gone through anything like this?
...well, I`m going to tell you a story. I was once involved with someone whom I initially thought was a good person. Then he started to tell me about his two most recent exes.
Things really didn't match up. They were college educated and nice looking ladies, with beautiful smiles. At least one had a thriving business she had founded and ran alone. She was a good housewife and a clearly loving mother to the children she already had. You could tell that from the way she held her children in the photos he showed me.
The two women would have been great catches for any guy, but all he did was complain about them!
I began to scratch my head, wondering how this guy could have landed not one, but TWO such magnificent prizes, and yet have lost them both without trace, since he was no longer with either one of them.
The answer, as I was shortly to find out for myself, was that he drove them away. He was an emotionally abusive narcissist, drowning in selfishness and self-pity. He blamed the women in his life for being the problem, but he was the one who slowly and surely poisoned every single relationship he got into, killing it, along with each woman`s feelings for him.
The women got away from him and recovered, but he is still the same. He is just subjecting different women to his poison now, that`s all. Narcissists rarely (very rarely) get better. The trauma that causes their disorder happens very early on, and they stay that way.
They can appear to get temporarily better if they sense that you may leave them if they don't show some difference, but it is a plan to hold onto you, and eventually they will slip back to the way they were.
I hope this helps you. You know yourself best. Hugs xxx
Your little voice is trying to be heard for a reason, I think.