Yes, you can-you have it in you. I've seen people with mental health issues make amazing recoveries and significantly improve their quality of life. Yes, trauma has an effect on the brain's structure and function, but the brain can also create new neuropathways and heal in amazing ways-I've seen that too. I've seen people with serious brain injuries and illness like schizophrenia go on to a high level of functionality and "success" (in parentheses because the idea of success is up to the individual).

Now, its not always easy. It takes time, it takes work, it is a process where sometimes you will take two steps forward and then one step back. You are not damaged, and you are worth the effort!!!

I am sorry you are in so much pain right now-it can get better. I read your introduction, and I hope you do get into counseling right away-the counselor can help you find coping strategies that work for you. That is the number one thing I could suggest. I would recommend taking good care of yourself, rest if you need rest, do things that make you feel good (sometimes I watch funny cat videos if I need a lift at the moment), take a walk, read a book or watch your favorite program, do any even small thing that feels like an accomplishment and appreciate that you did it. These are just a few suggestions, you are a special, unique individual, what kinds of things have your tried that worked or didn't worked for you? You have support here as well, please don't forget that.

cant74deal, I wish I could.give you.a hug in person so.I.will just have to give you a virtual hug. Thank you SO much for your kindness and for showing me there is still hope. I now feel better although I am still between crying spells. Sigh. I hope I do find a good therapist sooner than later. The mental Health system is a mindfield already without adding in medical assistance. It is VERY hard to find a good therapist on state insurance. I should know... I already tried.

I know that is true with the mental health system and the state system does have its own issues, and I know how difficult it can be deal with mental health and medical issues. No wonder you are overwhelmed. It's understandable, you're going through a lot. There have always been lovely people on this sight who know how you feel, are in the process of healing, or have come out the other side and let us know there is recovery from abuse. I hope you come here whenever you need to. ((HUGS BACK))

Oh yeah, I hear you. I was there too, having those same realizations and being amazed that this could have happened to me. It does get better, although it may seem like it's hopeless at times.. It isn't at all. People can definitely recover...I've done it. Each day I feel clearer in my head, stronger, and more capable. It helps to not be in an abusive relationship. Wow! Also, I am patient with myself when I feel like crap. "Okay, feeling the trauma response now...not liking it at all, we'll just wait and see how this goes." Have you ever had that "snowed under" feeling where there is so much to do that you think it will never all get done? But then, by working at it, bit by bit, the stuff that seemed impossible gets done and you can suddenly take a rest and see more clearly? In my experience, healing has been that way. If I just keep going, doing a little at a time, I get better and better.

Scarclan, thanks so much for sharing It sounds like you had a great therapist to help you through your difficult time. Hopefully I will be right behind you.

I know exactly what you mean by snowed under. I am dealing with that now and trying to deal with my heap a little at a time.But as soon as I take care of one thing, I have several other things jump on the list, giving me more stress. Sigh. I am on a slippery slope trying to run up quickly only to slide back down.

JayLady, you are not damaged for life. There are various modalities that can help reset the brain as you heal the trauma. You just need to be sure you find a qualified therapist who has specialized training in recovery from trauma, abuse & ptsd (and various modalities, not just talk therapy) over and above what was required to obtain their degree and license.

I always thought stuff was "hard wired" (brainwashed and worse) into my brain. But I found a modality that works for me and it has made a huge difference. I have a lifetime of abuse to heal from, so I'm still in the process, but I am much better than I was. Even people who have known me a long time have commented how different I am. So please don't give up hope.

As I've said here before, what works for me, may or may not work for others. We each have to find what works for us. And that can take time and the old trial & error method. But it's so worth it.

~healing hugs~

."...But as soon as I take care of one thing, I have several other things jump on the list, giving me more stress."

Sounds like that perfectionism thing I know so well that can come from being abused. I would get so overwhelmed by what you described that I would eventually become paralyzed, and then I felt incapable of doing anything and I would get depressed about it, and use it to beat myself up with. Does that sound familiar at all? It sounds like you might indulged the "litany of should", which is a sucky trap to get into.

If so, repeat this to yourself until you feel better-WHO SAID you should tackle everything on your list in such and such a time? Who said your bed should always be made, your dishes always done, your nails nicely manicured, your fridge stocked, your library books returned on time every time (whatever your list is). Who says to you that you should be at this milestone in life, or societies expectations are right for YOU? Who's going to come in and check that you are living up to these standards you've set for yourself? Who's going to know the difference if your floors are swept or you made that appointment today or three days from now? Is it some committee in your head made up of your parents, teachers, your ex, that seemingly perfect women in the grocery store you saw last week? FIRE that committee. They don't get to decide what's right and okay for you-you do. Your only responsibility is to do the best for you everyday, and sometimes the best for you isn't a bunch of items crossed off a list, or an ideal of perfection you picked up somewhere along with way that is not true to you. You need self care right now-it's okay to do that!

Cant, what a great response! I have that same thing with the Committee for Enforcing Perfection. I need to hire a more realistic group of managers who keep pushing me to be my best but don't have it out for me no matter what I do!

cant74deal, thank you for you intuitive response. I felt like you were looking into the window of my life. I have to definitely work on firing my committtee. The committee of my mind is equivalent to the one in corporate America trying to keep me down, under its thumb and making me do its bidding to secure its continued survival. I must have against its tyrrancy. Sigh. I am only a one-woman army trying to fight tirelessly for my self-preservation.

Wow, thank you for that Committee for Enforcing Perfection analogy. I've been struggling with society's expectations lately. I'm 38 and single, never married, no kids, and literally ALL of my close friends are married with kids. It makes me feel like a total loser, to be honest. Like no one wants me, I'm not lovable, no one would ever want to marry me. Just curious, if anyone can relate to these feelings, how do you get over it?

There are lots of ways to get that committee out of our heads. Different ways may work differently for different people. One thing I do is ask myself "who says?" Who says I should do X,Y, Z? Then I start to realize no one says except myself. No one is enforcing this RULE and then only one who makes me pay any consequences for not living up to this standard is myself. Then I start thinking about how I should be as kind to myself as I would be to someone else.

The first step is to recognize I'm doing this to myself, no one is actually doing to it me-I am not being put onto some registry of losers that everyone can check and will bar me from what I want. Then I start to defend myself against that committee and fire those Aholes-and when they shown up for work again I fire 'em again! Feels kinda good to fire them.

Sometimes I play the what if game. Like when I have a day all planned out and something happens that is just a time sucker and my plans are blown out of the water and I'm feeling anxious and frustrated. I will say to myself

Q-"What if I don't get the things done on my list today?"

A-"I will have to do them tomorrow."

Q-"What will happen if I have to do them tomorrow?"

A-"I will have even more to do than I do now-it will accumulate."

Q-"What will happen if your tasks accumulate?"

A-"I will start to feel overwhelmed."

Q-"And what will happen if you start to feel overwhelmed?"

A-"I will shut down and have to recharge before I feel like I can take things on again."

So, the worst case scenario is not some terrible disaster, the worst case scenario is that I will work myself up to a point I have to find a way to cope with it, and then I see-hey, I actually DO have a way to cope with it. I CAN cope with this outcome. For me, this takes the anxiety out of it because I know I actually can handle the worse case scenario created for me by this situation, in the big scheme of things its not that big of a deal. And by diffusing the anxiety by thinking it through this way I can actually get a whole lot more done because I circumnavigated that whole part of the scenario. This exercise has to be done realistically, though to work-I have to think of the most probable, worst case scenario and put it into perspective.

A lot of self talk is what works for me, which at first is hard to do, time consuming, take a lot of awareness of negative thoughts, but like anything you practice it gets easier. I generally now, don't get anxiety about my to-do list at all. I have gotten SO much better with the perfectionism thing-I have plenty of anxiety triggers, but not that one anymore!

You can do it! Keep trying- read, listen, talk-it all helps. If you can find a good therapist you'll wind up on the fast track, but even without you can make progress.