Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Since my last post he has emailed me once or twice a week, mostly about stupid things like a shirt of mine he found if I want it etc. He emailed me on Saturday at 1:30 am to tell me that he missed the dog and was wondering if he could pick him up and take him for a hike sometime. I don't have a problem with him taking the dog, I just don't want to see him! I haven't responded to him at all and last night he sent me the following email:
"I know you probably have some ill feelings for me at the moment and hope you are able to get past them someday. I doubt you believe this but I really do care about you and want you to know that if you ever find yourself in a bind that you can always call on me to help. I understand that your probably not interested in being friends at the moment but I hope someday that maybe we could be and maybe get together to do some fishing or something. I'm sure I sound stupid with what I'm saying but I need you to know."
I have no intention of responding to him despite the fact that I really want to. I want to tell him what an a**hole he is and that I don't want to ever be friends with him. I'm not sure why, but this last email was the worst thing he could have said to me. I would have preferred if he yelled at me and called me names...that would have made me laugh, but this just made me mad. Every time I hear from him, I pray it will be the last. But even this email, as "final" as it seems, I don't think will be the last. Every time he contacts me I take a step back in my healing and moving on, but I know that asking him to leave me alone won't work because he's never listened before and it will just open up a dialogue for him. It will do no good to change my email address because I work in the public sector and my email address is posted on the web.
Why am I letting this get to me? How do I not let this get to me? Why do I keep searching for answers I know I'm never going to get every time he contacts me? I'm frustrated with him, I'm frustrated with myself and I just want him to GO AWAY! If anyone else has experienced this, please tell me how you got through these bad days. Every time I feel like I've finally accepted that it's really over and am starting to move on emotionally I hear from him. I know this is such a ridiculous question given the type of person I'm dealing with, but how can anyone be so friggin' selfish? Out of all the men I ended relationships with in the past that didn't want to remain friends, I let them go in peace! I wish he'd just go find someone else to spew his sh*t on! Thanks to all who read this vent!
"I know you probably have some ill feelings for me at the moment and hope you are able to get past them someday. I doubt you believe this but I really do care about you and want you to know that if you ever find yourself in a bind that you can always call on me to help. I understand that your probably not interested in being friends at the moment but I hope someday that maybe we could be and maybe get together to do some fishing or something. I'm sure I sound stupid with what I'm saying but I need you to know."
I have no intention of responding to him despite the fact that I really want to. I want to tell him what an a**hole he is and that I don't want to ever be friends with him. I'm not sure why, but this last email was the worst thing he could have said to me. I would have preferred if he yelled at me and called me names...that would have made me laugh, but this just made me mad. Every time I hear from him, I pray it will be the last. But even this email, as "final" as it seems, I don't think will be the last. Every time he contacts me I take a step back in my healing and moving on, but I know that asking him to leave me alone won't work because he's never listened before and it will just open up a dialogue for him. It will do no good to change my email address because I work in the public sector and my email address is posted on the web.
Why am I letting this get to me? How do I not let this get to me? Why do I keep searching for answers I know I'm never going to get every time he contacts me? I'm frustrated with him, I'm frustrated with myself and I just want him to GO AWAY! If anyone else has experienced this, please tell me how you got through these bad days. Every time I feel like I've finally accepted that it's really over and am starting to move on emotionally I hear from him. I know this is such a ridiculous question given the type of person I'm dealing with, but how can anyone be so friggin' selfish? Out of all the men I ended relationships with in the past that didn't want to remain friends, I let them go in peace! I wish he'd just go find someone else to spew his sh*t on! Thanks to all who read this vent!
Wanting to be friends is a little too little a little too late, dontcha think? IF he really wanted to be friends, he would have treated you very differently.
The best way to not let it get to you is to stop all contact with him. I can't remember if you have kids w/him, but if you don't, go total NO CONTACT. If you do have kids w/him then make arranements for him to email a friend or relative w/his 'concern' and they can pass it on to you ONLY if it actually has something to do w/the kids.
If you can't change your email or phone, have him blocked. Contact your phone service provider and your email or internet provider and ask them to permanently bock him and his ISP. Also depending on your email service, you should be able to create a filter that automatically moves his emails into the trash folder w/o you ever seeing them. You should also be able to set your email preferences to automatically delete everything in the trash folder at whatever intervals you choose.
IMHO, at least part of the reason it's hard to let go of him is because it's hard to let go of the dream and/or the illusion of what we want them to be.
I found that the longer I was No Contact, the easier it is to start and/or continue the healing process. Therapy helps too. :-)
If you have stalking laws in your state, you might want to check out what you have to do to file charges. As for your phone provider, I would think if you tell them he's stalking you, they would bock his number. If you have an iphone, it has a place where you can block phone numbers. Also, I have found that depending on who I talk to I am told conflicting things, so I keep calling back until I find someone who will help me. I also found that contacting the local phone store was more effective than calling the 800 #. Don't give up! You will find a way to block him. :-)
I think abusive men view all women as property, much like possessions in a harem. It does not matter if they move on, they cannot bear to let go of even one of their properties.
My ex started obsessing on his high school girlfriend during our time together. He was 58 and had not seen her in 40 years. He had a sexting affiar with his second ex-wife. When I first left him last August, I received up to 100 contact attempts daily from him. I was still receiving about 10 a day, in November, when I decided to pull the plug and filed domestic violence charges against him. (I had kept the photos as a hedge against his aggressions.) A certain type of man--the kind who owns you--will keep coming back to check on his property.
I'm truly sorry you have to go through this.
Hugs,
Kris
processed what
you need to,
you'll become
UNINTERESTED
in anything/everything
about him.
Keep doing "the work"
and you'll get to that day.
Hugs and healing prayers.
Truth is, Ilene is right. Over time, doing the work on yourself, his pathetic attempts at contact will matter less and less. Not sure he'll ever go away entirely tho. I've had no contact for 5 years now and he STILL tries occasionally.
What I used to do tho, when I was where you are, is to write a response. I then journaled it or sent it to a couple of supportive friends for comment. As the response got reworked, it got funnier and the effect of his words reduced. To be absolutely clear tho, I never sent the responses to him - never intended to, because as you say it would only have opened dialogue.
Time will help you get over his abuse. You are lucky that you don't have kids with him. Find a forum like that .....you'll see so many lightbulbs go off it ain't funny!! Good luck, hun.