Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I thought I'd start a discussion on what I've learned regarding this subject since I found the information to be helpful. It didn't undo the damage or fix things, but it has helped me to understand things more clearly and prepare myself for future relationships.
As many of you probably already know, the way we form relationships as adults is heavily influenced by our parents in one way or another. The truth of the matter actually goes deeper than simply going into relationships that seem like the relationship we observed our parents having.
In reality the way we form relationships as adults is something that is hardwired into our brains throughout childhood based on our interactions/experiences with our primary caregivers (parents or whoever fills that role in our life while growing up). The working theory of how this works is called "attachment theory" in psychology.
The short version is that there are four possible styles of attachment a child can have and only one of them is healthy. These four styles eventually become one of four corresponding adult attachment styles once the brain has finished with the main period of development it goes through from very early childhood till the early years of adulthood (early to mid 20s). As with the attachment styles in childhood only one of the four adult attachment styles is considered healthy.
What I have found helpful is knowing what my adult attachment style is and how it affects me in forming attachments in adult relationship (such as dating). Knowing what my style is and how it influences my perceptions and way of thinking has helped me come to terms with some of the abuse I have endured. It has also helped me to understand that it is not my fault that abusive women seem drawn to me at times.
It is my hope that by helping others here to learn about their own adult attachment style it will also help you to better understand so many of us seem to keep falling for abusers and why it isn't your fault.
This is a link to a digital version of a test to determine your adult attachment style. It was originally published in a psychology journal, which I believe is referenced after completing the test.
http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
Be aware that the test is intended for adults who are/were in a romantic relationship. Answer questions as truthfully as you can for accurate results. If a question is worded to reflect a current relationship and you are single now, just answer based in how you were feeling in your most recent relationship.
As many of you probably already know, the way we form relationships as adults is heavily influenced by our parents in one way or another. The truth of the matter actually goes deeper than simply going into relationships that seem like the relationship we observed our parents having.
In reality the way we form relationships as adults is something that is hardwired into our brains throughout childhood based on our interactions/experiences with our primary caregivers (parents or whoever fills that role in our life while growing up). The working theory of how this works is called "attachment theory" in psychology.
The short version is that there are four possible styles of attachment a child can have and only one of them is healthy. These four styles eventually become one of four corresponding adult attachment styles once the brain has finished with the main period of development it goes through from very early childhood till the early years of adulthood (early to mid 20s). As with the attachment styles in childhood only one of the four adult attachment styles is considered healthy.
What I have found helpful is knowing what my adult attachment style is and how it affects me in forming attachments in adult relationship (such as dating). Knowing what my style is and how it influences my perceptions and way of thinking has helped me come to terms with some of the abuse I have endured. It has also helped me to understand that it is not my fault that abusive women seem drawn to me at times.
It is my hope that by helping others here to learn about their own adult attachment style it will also help you to better understand so many of us seem to keep falling for abusers and why it isn't your fault.
This is a link to a digital version of a test to determine your adult attachment style. It was originally published in a psychology journal, which I believe is referenced after completing the test.
http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
Be aware that the test is intended for adults who are/were in a romantic relationship. Answer questions as truthfully as you can for accurate results. If a question is worded to reflect a current relationship and you are single now, just answer based in how you were feeling in your most recent relationship.
I scored deep into the fearful quadrant. I have been trying to figure out why I keep picking unavailable men. Of course! Unavailable men will never tie me down or trap me. I want a partner relationship so badly, but I am also terrified by it. Which explains my attraction to my current 'love interest', who has been separated (not divorced) for several years. He likes me, but I get clues from him that he would really like a much younger woman (which he is probably unlikely to get, keeping him also stuck in limbo land with little ol' me). It's weird, because I feel that we perfectly fit each others' neuroses. Of couse I haven't plucked up the courage to talk to him frankly about it--that would require opening up! Yikes!
Okay, great, but now it would be time to stop analyzing a hopeless situation and look for something better. Not sure how to take that step, though.
In my case I fall into the anxious-preoccupied category. This attachment style stems from having a primary caregiver who was frequently inconsistent (such as having a parent who flip-flops between being loving/caring and being abusive/uncaring).
Here is a link to an article that does a decent job explaining attachment styles in childhood and how they develop into adult attachment styles. http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/ss/attachmentstyle.htm
I find that my pattern has been to go for the (appearing) broken/messed up man. My motive to try and fix them. A pattern I think was learned growing up- trying to "win" my dads attention. The back and forth drama was always addictive to me and now I have recently been emotionally abused by being ignored and ostracized--NC used against me. I try to focus on the truth opposed to fighting to keep alive what was just a made up fantasy.
I find this forum so helpful to stay grounded in that truth. I "see" my abuser through the simikar behavior patterns in other abusers described.
Again great post. Got me thinking. Awareness is armor to me
I have also heard that schema therapy has a high success rate for treating these types of issues. However, from what I've read about it this type of therapy seems like it is geared more towards difficult to treat problems/disorders relating to personality when nothing else seems to work.
I scored dismissive. Which I very much am. I have closed myself off. I don't know if I am so much that way from how I was raised or just the state of my marriage.