i just read daydreamer73's post about a lousy therapist, and naturally it made me want to start throwing bricks at people. i seem to have some sort of existential ADHD because i've had about 20 careers and one of them was a therapist, and i feel i want to say a few things about the ridiculousness of this field.

i've had some terrible things happen in my life, and one day i crawled into a therapists office and came out a few years later stronger, clearer and completely changed. i experienced the power and possibility of good therapy, and, not for nothing, it helped made me a very good therapist. but i sat in grad school surrounded by girls with active eating disorders, and many other unresolved issues. BIG unresolved issues. by it's very nature the field attracts people who are for some reason fascinated by this science although sometimes its because they are trying to figure out their own baggage while maintaing ultimate control. so you can imagine there was lots of partying with these guys at grad school.

not that i'm saying you can't be a good, crazy therapist. i think that's the best kind in fact. but in grad school it was encouraged that you also go to therapy yourself, because it's an obvious and logical thing to do. many of the students refused, REFUSED to go to therapy, nor had they ever been to one therapy session. how the hell can this be? is the flight simulator optional when training to be a fighter pilot? also, anyone 20 minutes into a psych 101 class knows that a passionate REFUSAL in this context is worth looking at.

of course one reason an aspiring therapist should go to therapy is to experience firsthand what it is you are asking of a client when you ask hard questions. you should know the stakes, you should know the risks, and you should know these things because despite what it may appear (or actually be, in some cases) you are not having a conversation in a therapy session. you are curling up in a warm bubble of unconditional support and validation that you both create together that absorbs all the bumps and bullets so you can sift through to the important stuff. it's not bullying, it's not demanding, and any therapist who comes across that way doesn't know jack about bubble making.

being a therapist is like the guy who spars with the prizefighter. you have to be stronger and faster than he is, or you won't make him a better fighter. a therapist has to be ROCK SOLID. i'm not talking about having an awesome life or being a great dresser or being friends with the matt damon. a rock solid therapist is one that goes to supervision, which is therapy for therapists, specifically about issues triggered in the therapist by the client. this is why: therapists have mothers, many of them hate them. you come in and start talking about your mother and that triggers the therapist. so the whole time you're talking she's thinking that her mother is a bitch and by the time you're asking for advice she's handing you a gun with a silencer on it. that therapist should have worked out all those triggers in supervision so the focus stays on you, and which way YOU want to kill your mother. unfortunately, many, well most therapists don't go to supervision. in my opinion, that makes them about as effective as crying in your coffee to your next door neighbor. i worked with some tough clients in acute psychiatric situations, and i worked supervision hard. it is not easy, and sometimes you have to admit things like being flattered when the rapist in room 16 said you had a nice ass, and thats not great. but you have to talk about the embarrassing things because those are precisely the things that hide in the corners and eat through the wood and leave you wondering why the floor caved in.

being a therapist is visceral, it is a joining with you and creating your idea of safety, your idea of trust. being a therapist is finding the bottom of the hole you're in and crawling in it with you because it is the only way to help you find your way out. it is intuitive. you need to figure out how the client needs to punch you and where and how often and you can never get hurt, never get tired and never say "you are a dick for punching me." you access compassion in the face of cruelty and forgiveness in the face of criminals because these are the antibiotics of the psyche. its a hard job if you do it right, and a good therapist should be constantly evaluating themselves and constantly checking that they are stable and focused like a race car driver keeps kicking the tires. and i'm sorry to say that many of them don't, and that most of them are just crappy crappy therapists, and i just have to hope that this type of thing isn't rampant in the field of dentistry because they have drills.

so here are some things to look for:
you need to be heard, validated, and understood. this is a feeling. if you are pulled out of the moment by something they say that seems like not what you were saying or in a weird direction, red flag.
if you feel pressured to answer something you don't want to answer or made to feel like you have to give some detail you don't wish to, red flag.
if you get the impression that they share your issue, you are feeling that they are being triggered, red freakin flag. they are completely ineffective at that moment.

here's some advice:
a therapist works for you. it's totally reasonable to treat the first session like a job interview. ask about credentials or specific training if it's pertinent, ask if they go to supervision, let them convince you to hire them. see how it feels to be with them. any issues you might have with relationships including trust and bonding will be worked out on this therapist like the pottery scene in "ghost" so, you know, channel your inner swayze.

it seems exhausting to leave one and start another.please don't let this deter you. if you are in crisis, a good therapist will jump right in and ask minimal questions only to get a picture of whats happening and get to it. in fact, i recommend that as a good litmus test. see how well they spring into action and anyway life is too short for 200 census questions. if they don't make the cut move on.

wait until you find a good match to really open yourself up, if you do your research and keep your eyes open you'll find someone worth keeping and then you can start doing the work.

i know that it's soul crushing to rehash your history and then realize it's not working, but by then you're too tired to do anything about it. i know it validates all those fears that you are unfixable and no one gives a shit anyway. i know its another corpse tossed onto the heap labeled "people who don't hear me." i know it feels like you will never be known, never be understood, and never be happy.

but it's not true, none of it, and a good therapist will help you know it. don't stop looking, don't stop asking, don't stop until you find someone good. they exist. and until you sit across from a therapist that wraps you in a cocoon of warmth do not stop. you are worth it, and you can feel better. don't stop.