Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am in limbo not wanting to discuss our marriage until January and lets just focus on the holidays and the kids. I have also done digging to inform myself of our finances and am planning on contacting the lawyer in January. I have days where I'm strong and feel confident in my decision after struggling the last 3 years.
But, my sis came by tonite and my husband talked normally to her for half an hour. I'm in the next room with the kids and was a ball of stress and anxiety. The baby missed her nap and was a bit cranky and clingy. I said they both need baths but ill give them in the morning. He snapped bc he wants an early start to schlep to his family 3 hrs away ( y I'm going is beyond me, were separated! But he hasn't told his family and said for what it's worth it means a lot to him that I'm going and doing this for him)
So he snapped n said he'll give the bath. I was anxious, irritated and snapped back. I later said to my sis, see, no one sees how twisted n moody he is. He was so nice to u and then treats me like crap. She said....,
"... we ALL see it, you don't. She assured me I have a huge support network, and I need to see it. And accept it. But she understands it's so hard for me bc we're not truly separated. He's always underfoot. And I'm not getting a chance to relax and just "be". I'm constantly on edge and emotions get stirred and feelings are confusing me. Especially when he gets mushy, sad, compliant..."
She also said "...Personally, I think its more creepy when he can have a normal conversation with me, and 30 seconds later, be snapping and demeaning to you. And then, however much time later, be all mushy and compliant again. He's either demented or playing you. Either way, its him. Not you...."
Her words comforted me and calmed me down a bit. But I hate that I feel this way so often. I hate that I need this validation of my feelings. I feel like I'm wasting my time and energy keep going over things and I'm mad at myself for that.
Does anyone else experience this?
But, my sis came by tonite and my husband talked normally to her for half an hour. I'm in the next room with the kids and was a ball of stress and anxiety. The baby missed her nap and was a bit cranky and clingy. I said they both need baths but ill give them in the morning. He snapped bc he wants an early start to schlep to his family 3 hrs away ( y I'm going is beyond me, were separated! But he hasn't told his family and said for what it's worth it means a lot to him that I'm going and doing this for him)
So he snapped n said he'll give the bath. I was anxious, irritated and snapped back. I later said to my sis, see, no one sees how twisted n moody he is. He was so nice to u and then treats me like crap. She said....,
"... we ALL see it, you don't. She assured me I have a huge support network, and I need to see it. And accept it. But she understands it's so hard for me bc we're not truly separated. He's always underfoot. And I'm not getting a chance to relax and just "be". I'm constantly on edge and emotions get stirred and feelings are confusing me. Especially when he gets mushy, sad, compliant..."
She also said "...Personally, I think its more creepy when he can have a normal conversation with me, and 30 seconds later, be snapping and demeaning to you. And then, however much time later, be all mushy and compliant again. He's either demented or playing you. Either way, its him. Not you...."
Her words comforted me and calmed me down a bit. But I hate that I feel this way so often. I hate that I need this validation of my feelings. I feel like I'm wasting my time and energy keep going over things and I'm mad at myself for that.
Does anyone else experience this?
I can so relate to many things you said. My H too will ignore me then as he's refusing to talk to me and sitting in silence his phone rings and he's the nicest guy on the block to the person on the phone. Chatting and laughing. I read somewhere a while back about how this is a decision for them when they can turn it off and on like a switch. How do YOU feel and react when you've just had an argument and go into a public place? I try to engage to either cover or avoid crying but I'm not giggling and carrying on. I can't switch it off like that.
I also play back the interaction tapes over and over and over. Did I miss something? Is that how he said it? Was I reading into that? Was that actual concern in his voice or was he faking? Was he trying to manipulate me just there? Was that sarcastic? You know the drill. Abusers make a living off being vague, cryptic and misleading. I don't think its any wonder we're trying to read what's going on bc with them we've been given a book that has torn pages missing here and there. When we aren't given the whole story we have to fill in the pages ourselves. Yet I too am annoyed with myself when I sit and spin on this for too long.
So my vote is you may feel notyourself but you're talking quite normally. :-)
I think often others CAN see the abusive nature of abusers but don't say anything, for the same fears we have, that they will be angry, defensive, etc. I'm glad your sister was validating. I hope you have a nice holiday, despite the situation. HUGS
I am seeing an IC once/week but little things like this happen everyday and it drives me crazy.
Day-
I'm glad you're getting your family's support, especially your dads.
As for today, we were supposed to go to in laws but the baby got sick last night. Croup cough / virus. I stayed home w her and husband took our older child w him. I miss her terribly :(
But I felt it was fair he go and she's young, wanted to go see grandma.
So peaceful thanksgiving. Cereal for me and my baby!
Hugs.
The need for constant validation is because of the crazymaking you experience on a daily basis. It's not because you're stupid or don't get it or can't figure things out for yourself. You figure things out just fine - but then he chucks a smoke bomb in the mix and you feel like maybe you have lost your way again. He tells you (either literally or figuratively) that you are lost, that you are wrong, that you haven't a clue ... and you are so used to not being able to trust your reality that you once again question it. It's natural - I'm just glad you have people around you who can help you see that your reality really IS real.
My best guess, at least in my situation, is I didn't want it to be true. For the first years, generally speaking, it wasn't. And then the bad behavior came out....like out of nowhere, with no warning....and it wouldn't let up. I wanted it to work out. I wanted, with all my heart, for him to be the one I grow old with. I think those feelings would only be intensified if I was actually married to him and even more intensified if I had children with him.
Bottom line: the behavior you describe of him is down right confusing to a "normal" human being. It doesn't make sense on any level. Therefore, it makes us doubt ourselves....how could this be? How can he act this way? Is he really acting this way? And, finally, is it really that bad or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?
The scenario you described with him being normal and pleasant with you sister, and then changing his attitude with you is the EXACT behavior that caused me to finally draw a line in the sand and leave. Pure crazy making at its finest!
Sorry you are enduring this. And I sincerely hope your holiday with the in laws is peaceful.
Keep doing what you are doing. From what I can tell of your situation, you are definitely on the right track. It sucks and its painful, but it will ultimately set you free to live a peaceful and happy existence with your kids.
Many big hugs
I am so glad you have the validation and support of ur family! Keep taking care of you as best you can.
You guys are right. I'm still amazed when I read so many similar stories. He told me when he comes home he's taking our oldest to the mall. I said ok but first I'd like to visit my friend and her family bc they do a big dessert day all day today. And since I was in all day yesterday I'd like to get out for a bit for the holiday. He asked if I was gonna take the baby with me. I'm thinking wtf?! She's sick! I said no. I figured you cld stay with the girls so I can get out for an hour than u can take the oldest to the mall.
Then he went on to ask if I made any plans for tmr. I told him I need to get shoes for our daughter. He said ok. But then u didn't make any other plans right??
It's so exhausting and annoying that I hafta account for every friggin second of every day.
Like you said LT, I too wanted him to be the one I grew old with. In fact, in his lucid moments he'll say stuff like, in a few years the kids will be off to college and then we can enjoy some retirement time and our grand kids. ...... Leaves my head spinning..,
Hugs,