Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I know about the crazy making...I know that I should listen to my gut feeling. But, isn't it possible that little things set an alarm off in me only because of the experiences I had in my marriage?
Specifically. Things are great. He is wonderful, helpful, we are vacationing together. Then, I get awful migraines out of the blue (well, I did get upset with him at night for being in lala-land, when I asked him to get the kids in the tub while I was loading the dishwasher, and then the migraines started). So, while I am out with the pain, he tells the kids that "Mommy is having migraines because she is sick and tired of the way you behave, and she doesn't want to be with you." ?!?!
Why, would anyone say something like that? i confront him of course, in font of the kids, of course, so they know that this is not true, AT ALL!!!
Couple of days pass, he is great, we are up in Yellowstone, late, getting a hotel room. I am ordering food at a restaurant and the lady answering the phone has an accent and an Eastern-European sounding name, so I start a conversation with her, and come to find out that she is Russian. I hang up, tell him that she was Russian, and he says "Russian prostitute."Really?!?! I am in a shock, and say, "these are the things I don't understand about you, at all." He laughs and says, "come on, it's funny, it's a joke." Kids are asking me know, "mommy, what does prostitute mean?"
I don't know guys that well, maybe I am just hard on him? Maybe other guys are like that? Maybe I'm just overly sensitive because of our past? These don't seem like huge issues, why is it distancing me so much from him that I can't even stand to be around him?
Specifically. Things are great. He is wonderful, helpful, we are vacationing together. Then, I get awful migraines out of the blue (well, I did get upset with him at night for being in lala-land, when I asked him to get the kids in the tub while I was loading the dishwasher, and then the migraines started). So, while I am out with the pain, he tells the kids that "Mommy is having migraines because she is sick and tired of the way you behave, and she doesn't want to be with you." ?!?!
Why, would anyone say something like that? i confront him of course, in font of the kids, of course, so they know that this is not true, AT ALL!!!
Couple of days pass, he is great, we are up in Yellowstone, late, getting a hotel room. I am ordering food at a restaurant and the lady answering the phone has an accent and an Eastern-European sounding name, so I start a conversation with her, and come to find out that she is Russian. I hang up, tell him that she was Russian, and he says "Russian prostitute."Really?!?! I am in a shock, and say, "these are the things I don't understand about you, at all." He laughs and says, "come on, it's funny, it's a joke." Kids are asking me know, "mommy, what does prostitute mean?"
I don't know guys that well, maybe I am just hard on him? Maybe other guys are like that? Maybe I'm just overly sensitive because of our past? These don't seem like huge issues, why is it distancing me so much from him that I can't even stand to be around him?
Also, you have tried to leave him before and he has gotten you to go back to him.Then after awhile the emotional abuse starts up again. This is how a classic abuser works. Abusers do not hardly ever change for the better. They will say or do anything to get you back if they feel you slipping away. Their lip service only lasts till they are comfortable that they have you back. Then they will go back to the abuse.
I feel so sorry for those kids, him trying to make them feel like you don't want them. Knowing how he is and it will get worse, never, ever think you should stay with him for the benefit of the kids. How could he not think of their feelings to tell them something like that????
Whatever you decide, I wish you well.
and if you ARE simply crazy and overreacting and misinterpreting you need to find someone who is nuts in a complimentary way and will accept you without making you feel hurt and confused. its not about changing yourself because someone tells you you should....it's about being yourself in the light of love and acceptance.
turn off the rationalizing voice and connect with how it feels, knowing that the "good times" are usually the net that keeps you standing nice and close. a bad feeling is like a hot stove, just take your hand off it and walk away.
Here is something you can try. Find somewhere where you can be alone for 5 or more minutes. Sit quietly and allow yourself to think about being around him. As soon as you conjure him up, pay attention to how your body feels, i.e. physical sensations. Does it feel relaxed? calm? peaceful? anxious? fearful? painful? etc. Then take a couple of deep breaths and picture yourself someplace you like to be without him. How does your body feel? Remember to pay attention to the physical sensations.
Your body never ever lies. Your migraines are telling you something. They are asking you to pay more attention to how your body reacts and less to 'thinking' about & questioning your life with him.
IMHO,
"...why is it distancing me so much from him that I can't even stand to be around him? "
says it all...
The mind body & spirit are intertwined and only paying attention to what the 'head' says is the kiss of death. It doesn't matter who, what, when or why you rationalize - or more that the abuser brainwashes you w/their rationalizations. YOU...your instincts and intuition...KNOW the answer and your body is trying to tell you. Listen to ALL of YOU.
~hugs~
Yes, other ABUSIVE guys can be like that, and they are huge issues. He's emotionally abusing your children.
I do not believe for one second, that your H said that vile thing he said to your children because of "poor communication skills." Because he doesn't know any better and he needs you to show him the way. That is just another mode of control, another way to avoid responsibility. He said what he said to punish you, because inwardly he resents having to act like the good husband, and what better way to harm you then try to undermine your relationship with your children. He doesn't care how terribly harmful it is to them to hear such BS. He had an opportunity to take a shot at you and he took it. He can feign ignorance all he wants but I don't buy it for a second. He is still an abuser he just controls you through more subtle tactics.
Look at what this does to your emotions, he's pushing your buttons. Abuse does not have to be yelling, or name calling or hitting. It's about power over another person. Now your kids are wondering in the backs of their minds, "when is dad going to say something else that makes mom upset" Is this good for them to be around. Nope. Or you either.
Warm gentle hugs
And it's horrible that he says these things to the kids. He is trying to emotionally distance the kids from you with such sayings. It's a direct attack on them and you.
My wife verbally abuses me in front of the kids, and I now realize that is child abuse.
And, as far as the bodily reactions go, yep, I had the mother of all migraines for the entire week he was with us in WY, and they miraculously went away the minute we got back to our schedule, where he is gone most the time.
The guy, by the way, is an absolute genius. He recently re-programmed a paper mill that made them more efficient and less polluting. He literally deleted their operating program from their controlling computers and systems, and re-loaded a new one he created from scratch. For what he does, he is part chemical engineer, part physicist, part computer scientist and part electrical engineer. I have no idea how he can do something so incredibly difficult and dangerous, yet, lack the very basic social and emotional skills. Maybe humans can't be amazing at everything at the same time?
I am so looking forward to moving back to TX next fall! Once I am back to my social network and lots, lots of job opportunities, things can be different. Not to mention meeting Mending maybe :-). Right now I am stuck in the middle of nowhereville.
It is definitely emotional abuse to a T that he is doing to you. Playing it as a joke is just prohection. Im sure other men and women may do this but it isnt right.
I would be really concerned he has brought the children in to this. You can hurt me, but you start hurting the kids and that is a HUGE problem. Wait til a divorce happens, what will he tell them then. I cant stand people who get back at spouses thru the kids.
I hope you find some peace in TX.
Amexdm
I'm sorry to hear that he said something so disgusting. Using children to create distance between you and your kids is inexcusable and his comment about a Russian prostitute as "a joke" is so familiar. My wife uses our stepson to try and manipulate me and says everything was "a joke" all the time. You are not at fault and the feelings you are having are very familiar. The exercise to try and see how your body feels without him I think would be great for you.