Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Why is it so hard to feel confident and feel like I am not crazy? I hate that my emotionally abusive husband one minute acts like he changed and the next he is the same as he has been for years. The one thing he is not doing (so far) is degrading me about my weight (which may have something to do with the fact that I am much thinner now (although he tells me it desn't matter to him, is this true?). Now it just feels like he is trying to control me by the things he says/does.
It seems more and more lately he is showing his true colors which I am actually happy when he does because it just solidifies that I am not crazy, however he catches himself and then he is on his best behavior. Why when this happens do I flip flop like maybe I am wrong?
My family is finally seeing that he has not changed, something that I have been seeing over the last week. He has always tried to keep me away from my family (which I just realized is typical abuser fashion) and since his "epiphany" he said he realizes that he has not had a relationship with my family and wants to start doing that now, which has pretty much stopped. He went as far this week to make plans with my sister and brother in law and when it came down to it he did his typical backpeddling (and in my opinion manipulating of me) to get me to cancel with my sister so we could go to a party at a friends house and it worked!!!!!
My sister is beyond furious and my mother feels used and manipulated because for the last few weeks he has been leaning on them for support of my rejection of him and now he does not seem to be calling them as much. When my sister and mom talk it appears that things are now becoming a little more clear to them that maybe he was manipulating them to? Is that possible?
At the party last night my husband become extremely intoxicated and sat for hours talking to another girl at the party who is also having marriage problems and they were both swapping stories. My husband then kept telling me how much he loves me and how he doesn't understand why I can't just accept it, why I gave up a year ago, etc. etc. etc....... He then accused me of liking a guy at the party. I was so angry.
Why, why is it so hard? Why am I second guessing myself? Has anyone else gone through this or felt this way? Why am I so scared of hurting him? Why do I feel like I am over re-actiing?
Why do I seem to be struggling with this so much?
It seems more and more lately he is showing his true colors which I am actually happy when he does because it just solidifies that I am not crazy, however he catches himself and then he is on his best behavior. Why when this happens do I flip flop like maybe I am wrong?
My family is finally seeing that he has not changed, something that I have been seeing over the last week. He has always tried to keep me away from my family (which I just realized is typical abuser fashion) and since his "epiphany" he said he realizes that he has not had a relationship with my family and wants to start doing that now, which has pretty much stopped. He went as far this week to make plans with my sister and brother in law and when it came down to it he did his typical backpeddling (and in my opinion manipulating of me) to get me to cancel with my sister so we could go to a party at a friends house and it worked!!!!!
My sister is beyond furious and my mother feels used and manipulated because for the last few weeks he has been leaning on them for support of my rejection of him and now he does not seem to be calling them as much. When my sister and mom talk it appears that things are now becoming a little more clear to them that maybe he was manipulating them to? Is that possible?
At the party last night my husband become extremely intoxicated and sat for hours talking to another girl at the party who is also having marriage problems and they were both swapping stories. My husband then kept telling me how much he loves me and how he doesn't understand why I can't just accept it, why I gave up a year ago, etc. etc. etc....... He then accused me of liking a guy at the party. I was so angry.
Why, why is it so hard? Why am I second guessing myself? Has anyone else gone through this or felt this way? Why am I so scared of hurting him? Why do I feel like I am over re-actiing?
Why do I seem to be struggling with this so much?
Hang in there and believe in yourself.
Abusers do and say ANYTHING to try and get their victim (you) back.
Be strong and do not listen to him. No one should have to live with an abuser.
Yes, he was manipulating your family in order to further isolate you (and it kind of worked - they were the ones telling you that you have to try harder, no? Just the result he wanted). The weight thing? Nah, it probably genuinely doesn't matter to him, he just wants to use anything he can to make you feel bad - so you called him out on the weight thing and lost weight. The reaction in his head? *Shrug* Oh well, guess I'll just pick something else to belittle her with then.
If it feels like he's trying to control you, that's because he is. Control is at the very heart of every kind of abuse.
His accusation is classic projection and deflection. He spends hours talking to a woman about his marital problems with you ... realises that's wrong, and so heads off any criticism by accusing YOU of being the one to do wrong with another man.
And ... he doesn't understand why you can't just accept his abuse? Well that's fair enough - they can NEVER understand why we don't just accept it. Especially when we have accepted it for so long. But that's his problem. You shouldn't ever have had to accept it, and now that you can see it for what it is, you should never accept it again.
The confusion and flip flopping and fear of hurting him and all the rest - all perfectly normal. Keep reading, keep writing, keep thinking, journalling, whatever helps you to get clarity. And slowly, the flip flopping and confusion will happen less. They will always be there a little, for as long as you are living with abuse. Because that's what abuse does. But you can reduce it.
All of your comments make complete sense and give me strength to feel confident that it is not me. We will see how my counseling session goes tomorrow and how the rest of the week goes, I am startng to see a patter when he has me around 24/7 with no one around all seems to be somewhat quiet, but the minute I am not in his sight, work, whatever its almost as if he panics that I might be getting outside influence and that is when he starts to revert back. UGH!!!
I just wish that I had the strength right now to do something right now! I am getting there I think though.
Thank you everyone! You are all wonderful! I appreciate the support and encouragement. I am sure I will be back with other things that come up. Thanking you in advance!