It is hard to leave because of fear, and conditioning, and lack of self esteem and self confidence, among other things. There is a long post about the reasons women stay, and it's pretty good - have a look for it.

As for my personal what got me out, was I took a long look at my baby boy (about 8 mo old at the time) and realised I could not bring him up like that. I want more than anything for my boy to be proud of me,and I knew he could not be proud of what I was becoming. I don't want him to be proud of me for kicking his dad to the kerb, but for being the kind of person who stood up for herself and for him.

The alternative is he grows up in a dysfunctional family, learns disrespect for women and probably ends up repeating the cycle of abuse when he grows up. That, for me, was not an option.

Hi Browneyes,

It's hard for me because he's the primary bread winner. I depend on him for alot of my family's needs. I think about my children and our neighborhood and good schools that I don't want to leave.

I think about him being with someone else and possibly treating her better. I'm afraid of being a single parent of 4 kids, one in college.

I'm afraid of being lonely and having to start all over again. I'm afraid of the divorce process. There are so many things to list.

I'm working on defying that list now. I'm ready to reclaim my power. I've simply had enough and it's time for it to come to a halt. My happiness has been put on hold long enough.

The members at DS have helped tremendously. Just reading all of the info keeps it stamped in my psyche. I don't want to live a life of walking on eggshells and being emotionally tortured.

We are woman. God blessing to man. We are their helpmates
We are forgiving, and when we are in love... no matter how many times "this" person does you wrong you forgive and we put it out of our minds believing in this person hoping that he will return to the person you first fell in love with.. and that is one of the main reasonsI stayed...
I kept remembering how he "use" to be instead of "who" he was being .

May god bless you and those you love

for me it's just really hard to accept that this man is a complete monster. I still find good in him for some reason and that's why it's hard for me to just abandon him.... Abandon. thats another issue in itself.

For me it was hard to leave, because it was hard to swallow the fact that I was a failure once again. It was hard because he is not in the best physical condition and I knew that he would not take care of himself. It was hard because I felt guilty for leaving him that way, even though he didnt feel one ounce of guilt for all the abuse that he laid on me.
I know that somewhere deep down inside there is a good man. I have seen him on many occasions. But those occasions became few and far between. I left once before 2 years ago. He made all kinds of promises and I believed him. So I went back. That lasted all of 6 months maybe and here I am 2 years later, I left 3 months ago and will NEVER go back again.

What finally prodded me to leave was something totally unexpected. I had been hoping and praying for a sign that I should leave. When we came back from a visit to his mother in NJ, I got my sign. The company that I work for is closing my office. I thought I was going to lose my job or have to travel 2-3 hours one way to work and home. But NO, they offered for me to work at home! However, my boss knew that I was contemplating moving out and she said that I would have to be settled somewhere first before it could happen. So there it was. My sign! My motivator. My Salvation! Starting Dec 1st. I will be working from home! MY HOME!

Abusers are professional brain washers. Their abuse is designed to crush your will and self esteem so that you become bonded to them through this sick and hurtful bond that is more potent than heroin.

The catalyst that enabled me to leave? My ex threw a mantrum in front of our son and a friend over a very small thing. The look of fear and terror on their faces as he cursed at me was a light bulb moment...I plotted my leaving and left about 30 days later. Three+ years out and my life is so very, very much better.

Thanks so much for your responses and for pointing me to the topic of why women stay and it helped me vocalize some of my reasons:

* Still loves the abuser
* Commitment to the relationship
* Sex, affection, and kindness during non violent times
* Companionship
* History together
* Hope it's going to improve
* Hope he'll change

* Guilt
*Feeling like a failure
* Feeling defective
* Not wanting to leave pets
* Fear of physical harm
* Fear of threats
* Fear of harassment
* Fear of making abuser angrier
* Fear no one believes you
* Fear of the court system
* Uses mind games
* Pressure from children who want their dad

* Custody issues

Now I want to know if what he does is truly abuse. An example: He came in the other night yelling why didn't "we" come outside to help him when "we" heard him out there yelling for "us". He knows that "we" heard him...."we" were just ignoring him. He went on to "talk to himself" "us" being motherfu****, sons of bitches, and ungreatful. How "some of us" are just users and he is just a plow mule making the money, putting a roof over "our" head and putting all the food on the table while "we" sit up in the house not doing any thing. One of these days things are going to "change" and "we" will be sorry then. Now he is saying this to himself and not directing it at me.... and the "we" and "us" and "they" are really just ME. When he was outside doing his chores the kids were watching a PBS program in the living room (which has NO windows) and I was in the kitchen watching a show on the little TV in there while cooking supper. All the windows were closed. He was out in the field and thinks we should have heard him but I didn't....That is just one thing. He has not been physical with me but I don't know what he is capable of. It is mostly stuff like above. Now it is the silent treatment for weeks on end.....

Yes, I am sorry to say that your husband is a narcissistic abuser...his treatment of you, and of your family is not normal, kind or loving.

The silent treatment alone is a form of abuse. Been there done that!

i think u already feel that it is or u wouldn't be here. he puts unrealistic expectations on u for how his needs should be fulfilled.
he threatens u an your children with taking away all of the things that he believes only he can provide.
he thinks he deserves more because he works rather than thinking that is just what everyone does to support their wonderful family.
he is vverbally abusive in language and is disrespectful.
he ignores u for weeks.

i am afraid this is abuse and there won't be anything you can do to stop him doing that if he's blaming you for not hearing him when clearly you weren't able too from inside a closed house.

Oh do I wish this had been available 20 years ago, but even then wonder if I would have done anything? I have been married to this man for 30 years now and go through all of the same things you are going through. My kids are now in their early 20's and I feel so guilty because they are at the tired of it now. I feel like if I had left him when they were younger they would not feel this way about their Dad? There you go now I feel guilty about that too, he has taken it all out of me. I can't even go near him without makeup on, if so he comments on how bad I look, or if I say something incorrectly he makes comments about my stupidity. Gee, I wonder if the drinking has anything to do with it? Well, ladies it is all my fault, but I still have that feeling that I can't make it on my own. How did you do it, the ones that left. I do not make enough, he has been the main bread winner, I do work full time, but not for as much money as he makes.I know I can take him to the bank, but then worry about the kids. Just know something has to be done. Cindy

I decided to leave after I had three dreams that spoke of me leaving.
lol this may seem funny but this is true. while sleeping in his bed I had dream number one, that I was at a job fair and all the roles and positions were taken, even dishwasher. in another dream a voice said get your bed off the highway this dream was significant because we could not agree to get a house together or decorate together, he did not want to do that. my third dream was that me and my ex-husband were sharing a can of tomato soup watered down with a fly in it. I think this dream meant that my ex-boyfriend was not feeding my soul, but was starving my very soul. After I had these three dreams three nights in a row in my ex-boyfriends bed, I broke up with him the next day!! So, my best answer that was my catalyst to leave..............................dreams!

I married a severe narc personality and suffered through physical, emotional and verbal abuse. I've been gone now for 5 months and I have to tell you it's hard. He would (and still does) blame me for everything. If I didn't do something the way he thought I should or how he would, I was stupid. It was and is always about HIM... I felt so stupid around him, watching everything I'd say or do, even how I reacted towards anything. Even if I responded to someone (a perfect stranger for example) he'd defend them and not me. He had/has no respect for me and constantly put me down.

Just recently, he was Blessed to receive a kidney after being on dialysis for 2 1/2 years. None of his family came to take care of him and drive him back and forth to the hospital for all the necessary doctor/clinic and lab visits. Guess who has exhausted all their days of vacation to make sure he's making these visits....me. While he was in the hospital for (5) days, guess who slept in his hospital room with him to help him to understand what the doctors, nurses and medication doctors were explaining to him, while he was heavily sedated???? ME... All the while, and in spite of all of my efforts, he still managed to make me feel worthless, he still critizised me, found fault with the way I was helping, rolled his eyes at me, and at one time even yelled at me. I sat by his bedside and watched him sleep and thought to myself, how pitiful, sorry, mean and nasty of a person he really is, and that inspite of how difficult my life is right now trying to make it on my own, and how lonely I get...having had to give up my beautiful home... I finally saw him for what he is...miserable!!! I am so grateful that I don't have to live with that anymore. I finally realized just how terrible my life was with him and how I had lived in his shadow for such a long time. He's totally unreal... and lives in his own world with just himself.

Am I afraid, YES... but you know, I'm going to be alright. As long as I treat people right, can smile and continue to love in my heart for people, I believe the Lord will bring me through. I really feel sorry for this man and I told him to his face that he's going to die a mean, lonely old man.

It was hard to leave, but now after these last few months and I look back and see where I've come from, and can now see him as he truly is.... I AM MORE THAN GRATEFUL that I got another chance at life....my life. No one will ever control me again..

Hi. I'm new as of today. Sometimes I can't get to a computer very often so if I don't respond it's nothing personal. I felt a lot like Stargazer does. He was the breadwinner. I was the stay at home mom. I got tired of the physical and emotional abuse. I left on November 1. Best darn thing I could have done. Except that somehow he is still able to control my life and I'm not even with him! He is trying to make me lose my job. And he's trying to get a friend of mine to lose their job because they helped me! This is my battle and he's bringing everyone into this and there's so much drama. How I left was I called my older brother and he came and got me and my 3 kids and we stayed with him for a week until I could find a place to rent. Financially, it sucks. But I am no longer walking on eggshells. At least not as much. He still has some control over me because I let him get to me. I figure if this doesn't kill me then it will make me a heck of a lot stronger! I know right now that it's hard, but I will get through this and things will be better. They have to be. I say a lot of prayers. I go around with a sick feeling in my stomach wondering how he's going to mess with me next. I honestly think he's pure evil. The abuse has gotten worse over the 7 years we have been married. I don't believe it ever gets better. And it is hard to leave. It took me years to finally do it. He had me beat down so much I was afraid of my own shadow. One of my friends helped me see what he was doing and that I don't deserve it. I can be happy.

Isn't it funny how guilty they make you feel? I am always apologizing to everyone for every little thing I feel I do wrong. They are like You don't have to be sorry for little things.