Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So, I apologize in advance...this is gonna be pretty long. This is more for my personal anger, but I thought it may help others to see if this fits their abusers. While it was a painful realization to come to, it has helped me to put things in perspective and stop feeling so damn guilty for not being happy and planning to leave. Maybe it will help someone else who is on the fence as well.
I thought that the reason he would do a complete turn-around (at least for a little while) whenever I would finally get up the courage and money to leave him was because he suddenly "saw the light" and realized how much he loved me and the children and truly wanted us with him. The painful reality is that he doesn't love me or our children--at least not in the normal way that people usually love. He does miss me (probably not the kids so much, if his words and actions are any indications), but this isn't because he loves me per se. It's because he has it made with me here.
He does not, nor has he ever contributed his fair share to the family finances; in fact, he doesn't even pay half of our bills (although he makes more in one week of pay than I do in two!) He pays half the rent and the occasional electric bill (when I truly do not have anymore left to pay it, but believe me I have to hear about how irresponsible I am with money that he has to "carry me") This leaves him with plenty of money to continue to buy and spend tens of thousands of dollars fixing up his cars. I honestly don't even know how many cars he owns, as he has a shop that he rents on the side where he works on them. He can go anywhere he wants to, because he has "trained" me to never ask questions or demand anything from him. I am there to take care of the house, the kids, his laundry, and to cook and even serve him (in the bedroom no less) his meals WHENEVER he gets home. Again, he has trained me to never rebel against this arrangement as when I have tried, there has been hell to pay. (I am nothing if not a quick learner!!) He gets to look like the responsible family man when it suits him (and sadly I have actually watched him use this for his gain with an aunt and uncle who have given him two vehicles and are helping him to purchase a home--or at least were--because they are very family-oriented and wanted his family to be comfortable). It is a farce that he has put on for them; those cars were sold not long after they gave them to him, and I'm not sure what became of the house they were looking at (yes, I was excluded from this process because I am SO bad with money and my credit is a mess--go figure!) He gets sex whenever and however he wants it, with no regard for my feelings or interest or anything else.
In short, he has it made. Why on earth would he willingly give that up. He gets to be the king of the castle, the slave owner, the pimp, whatever you want to call it with none of the responsibilities and discomfort that normally go along with a relationship.
It was when I really sat down and wrapped my head around this that I realized "F him". He is nothing but a mini dictator. I don't feel badly for him because I have given too much of myself already.
I thought that the reason he would do a complete turn-around (at least for a little while) whenever I would finally get up the courage and money to leave him was because he suddenly "saw the light" and realized how much he loved me and the children and truly wanted us with him. The painful reality is that he doesn't love me or our children--at least not in the normal way that people usually love. He does miss me (probably not the kids so much, if his words and actions are any indications), but this isn't because he loves me per se. It's because he has it made with me here.
He does not, nor has he ever contributed his fair share to the family finances; in fact, he doesn't even pay half of our bills (although he makes more in one week of pay than I do in two!) He pays half the rent and the occasional electric bill (when I truly do not have anymore left to pay it, but believe me I have to hear about how irresponsible I am with money that he has to "carry me") This leaves him with plenty of money to continue to buy and spend tens of thousands of dollars fixing up his cars. I honestly don't even know how many cars he owns, as he has a shop that he rents on the side where he works on them. He can go anywhere he wants to, because he has "trained" me to never ask questions or demand anything from him. I am there to take care of the house, the kids, his laundry, and to cook and even serve him (in the bedroom no less) his meals WHENEVER he gets home. Again, he has trained me to never rebel against this arrangement as when I have tried, there has been hell to pay. (I am nothing if not a quick learner!!) He gets to look like the responsible family man when it suits him (and sadly I have actually watched him use this for his gain with an aunt and uncle who have given him two vehicles and are helping him to purchase a home--or at least were--because they are very family-oriented and wanted his family to be comfortable). It is a farce that he has put on for them; those cars were sold not long after they gave them to him, and I'm not sure what became of the house they were looking at (yes, I was excluded from this process because I am SO bad with money and my credit is a mess--go figure!) He gets sex whenever and however he wants it, with no regard for my feelings or interest or anything else.
In short, he has it made. Why on earth would he willingly give that up. He gets to be the king of the castle, the slave owner, the pimp, whatever you want to call it with none of the responsibilities and discomfort that normally go along with a relationship.
It was when I really sat down and wrapped my head around this that I realized "F him". He is nothing but a mini dictator. I don't feel badly for him because I have given too much of myself already.
your story is so similar to mine it makes me want to burn something, it's a feeling like when you meet your old concentration camp roommate on the street.
living with the feeling that the "love" you though you had with your spouse was nothing more than his reluctance to give up his nanny/housekeeper/sex slave/dinner bringer is a pretty brutal side effect of walking away from this kind of thing. then there's the deep unacknowledged hope that at the 11th hour he would fight for you and the kids that you only see when he stomps on it like everything else.
these are precisely the realizations people sense they don't want, and it keeps them quiet and asleep. they think maybe they can crack this code before they have to bear the weight of these crushing realities, so they stay and try and pray and work and waste their lives avoiding a few big hurts by withstanding millions of daily little ones and convince themselves that this is the winning strategy.
the disappointing truths you live with are your badges of honor, things you willingly accepted as the price for getting the hell away. worth it.
if he trained you, he didn't do a very good job, because right now he has one of those "tiger goes nuts, eats handler and 5 audience members at circus!" headlines on the newspaper of his life, and i hope he gets a paper cut every day from it as he watches you create the life he wishes he had for you and your kids. then when he rages all you will hear is "wah wah wah i burned my house down trying to make steakems in bed wah wah my pants are dirty why aren't they showing up clean and folded in my dresser? wah wah wah my one night stand stole my liver! wah wah wah."
It got to the point where mine wouldn't even ask me for things; he'd just make a statement or ask a general question.
"I don't have a fork," (translation: "Get me one.")
"Where's the milk?" (translation: "I want it, so bring it.")
He would actually have a tantrum if I suggested he might like to be polite and ask FOR it, not just state that he didn't have it or it was absent. Or better yet, realise that yes, he did have legs and hands and the knowledge of where everything was kept.
A relationship is not about service, or it shouldn't be. It's about mutual consideration and appreciation. MUTUAL. I think he's made far too many withdrawals without making a single deposit, if you get my drift.
Take care of yourself and your kids from now on - cos he cannot be relied upon to do so from his side. Hugs xxx
and a new sense of outrage is born.
Alas, I jumped off the ledge just now and blasted him with alot of the rage I've been feeling. I tried not to, I really did, but he just wouldn't let up and I let him have it. It all started over money for groceries, of course if I want so irresponsible with money he wouldn't have to"loan"it too me. I sucked that up because honestly I needed the money to buy food. It then progressed to him telling me that I would need to drive our daughter's unregistered and untagged car the 30 miles to his shop so he could work on it, oh and when I asked if it was legal I was told to just do what he tells me. Then he starts yelling that never mind God forbid he should ask me for a favor and he hangs up. Still I sucked it up. Then he calls yelling about how he's done with me and how he always has to take care of my messes and he guesses I want him to wipe my ass too. I finally could take no more and let him have it. Told him to keep his f ing money and leave me the hell alone. (A bunch of other stuff to, but that was the crux of it). Sigh....there go my carefully laid plans. Surely there will be hell to pay later for that little outburst. Normally I would be feeling pretty bad right about now, instead I'm feeling more pissed off. Oh well :-)
I still say get hold of the papers for the cars, and sell them. Then you'll have the money for groceries. And stop paying anything on HIS stuff, like buying his groceries etc, because if he wants it he can pay.
You go, tiger!
jmho this is what your kids will see how to be treated . ps IMHO you will be much better off financially after divorce maybe that's what he is so very afraid of he will finally have to pay his fair share.
that pay me back for the gauze is a big wake up call what if you get really sick you are in a horrible one way street you are better off alone jmho. from someone who has a good guy.