I watched the video, very good. Thanks for posting it. I actually got asked the question,"Why didn't you just leave?" by the court Victim Advocate when I went to court.

Yes... the "I can heal him" complex. Funnily, my mother used to make me feel responsible for my sister as well because i excelled at school and she didn't. "If only YOU help her, YOU could do so much!" I was so young, still in elementary and i was made to be responsible for my sister's learning disability! She was later diagnosed with dyslexia many years later. Of course I couldn't save her or help her when I was just a kid myself and had no expertise with learning disabilities but yet i was made to feel that it was my responsibility to change her! There was a lot of responsibility placed on me for both my parents and my sister and my little brother that i should not have had as a kid and I think this has a lot to do with it as well.

We probably all assumed responsibilities or burdens we shouldn't have had -- emotionally, mentally, physically, many different variations.

Thanks for posting, the one thing that I really took from this video was her saying how she did not realize she was being abused. I didn't realize I was being abused as small child for most of my life. I wouldn't talk about it, I would dismiss it, my family dismissed it, and I am only now realizing that I am battered from it.

I've grown to hate that question, "Why not just leave?" It's code for victim blaming, and it breaks my heart when people come to this forum and they think because I advocate for leaving an abuser that I might among those victim blamers. I feel that shame and embarrassment that they find it hard to leave, and they feel like when they don't leave they are disappointing people. or they are weak.

But the truth is I was no different for 15 years, and then even after I divorced I still allowed abuse, harassment and stalking to continue for over another 5. Who would I be to judge anyone, I know full well how difficult it is to get out, stay out, and move forward.

Sometimes I say, I made the decision to stay every moment of every day for 15 years - that is making that choice over and over again for 5, 475 days. In hours that is 131,400 hours in a row I chose to stay, and in minuets I had 7, 884, 000 missed opportunities to make a better decision for myself before I finally made the right one. I don't judge ANY victim or survivor.

People like to look at things in black and white terms. In some ways it is exactly as simple as "This is a harmful experience-LEAVE." In other ways it is so much more complex than that gross oversimplification.

I think that in the beginning stages of letting go of denial and minimization they is a ton of self blaming a survivor does. Until the survivor can learn to deprogram themselves from what abuse does to their self esteem and taking responsibility for things that were not their fault it can be detrimental to think in terms of where their responsibilities lie too much. I think it can just get confused with and wrapped up in that abuse fog, and end up being used to abuse themselves, and set themselves up for continuing to have low self worth and therefore thinking they deserve abuse-making them vulnerable to being victimized again. I think in the beginning it's most beneficial for survivors to focus on the fact that the abuse was NOT their fault, that they don't deserve it. Once they have that validation and self worth built up they have the foundation to start wrestling with where their responsibilities were in getting into and staying in an abusive relationship. I think we can only handle certain truths when we're ready. So that is why I've come to hate that question, "Why did you stay, why didn't you just leave?" That is so invalidating, and takes the attention off why is someone being abusive to their partner? THAT is the real problem, that is what is unacceptable.

Like Leslie Morgan Steiner, I did not realize I was being abused for a long time. I just thought he was a very hurt man who had endured a lot of trauma in his life. He said & I believed that my love would heal him. I didn't.
I was never hit by him, only grabbed, shoved and pinned in a corner with him screaming in my face. When I contacted the local women's crisis center, they rated me as in "Extreme Danger" based on the things I told them. Alcoholism, being a gun owner, controlling behavior, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, mood swings, dehumanizing behavior and my decision to leave were all factors in this rating. They also told me that I would be in the most danger once he realized I was really not coming back.
I left 12 days ago & was able to get all my stuff out yesterday. So far it has gone well, with only a little verbal abuse from him.
I am still scared of this man.

You are very brave!

I was afraid (still am a little bit) of my ex too. I also didn't know I was being abused, and when I look back and think that I thought it was normal to fear my H would kill if I divorced him, I know now that it's not normal at all and it was abuse that put that level of fear in me.

I am glad you are getting help. Staying safe is the most important thing!

When in support group for being molested as a child, we were asked by the CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) to talk about what it's like to be the child of abusers. Our number one message to the trainees was that the children are not looking at them as rescuers. They don't want to be taken from their family. They just want their family to change. They want the ones they love, to love them back. They don't want to give up on their family. they think they can be good enough, or bad enough, or act out in some way that will change the ones they love. That never changes. We just grow tall, we never grow out of it.

@ Whipple2...
Aha!
I just thought if I explained to my ex how her behavior was harming my self esteem, and did so in just the right way? Then she'd stop, because how can someone who says they love you want to damage you?
...She wanted control, she would not admit that to herself, and she would not acknowledge what she was willing to do to get it. That was the truth.

Things must always be just as she wants them because she is always right, of course ( sarcasm).