Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So I told him it was over for good March 11. I told him if he didn't know by now if he wanted to try and save the marriage (do MC) then he would never know (he's been pushing and pulling for about 2 months). He said if he decided he wanted to save the marriage he would still pursue me. I told him he didn't understand...I didn't want HIM anymore. I said I deserved better and that I knew I'd NEVER be happy with him. He said he still wanted to have a relationship with me even if it was just friends. I told him no, I needed to move on. I changed my phone number. He emailed me 4 days later and said "do you know your phone is out of service?". DUH, I didn't respond. He emailed 3 days after that to tell me I was off the line of credit. I didn't respond. He emailed me 4 days after that asking me to get in touch with him. I didn't respond. He emailed me 4 days after that asking again for me to get in touch with him saying he needed tax information from me and he was wondering what he should do with my snow tires. He hasn't filed his taxes for like the last 5 years and he feels the need to do something about my snow tires now? Please. I mailed him my tax information and said in the note that I'd appreciate it if he could hold onto my snow tires until next fall, but if he couldn't to do what he wanted with them (I don't want to see him right now). I haven't heard from him since and its been a week. I think maybe he's figured out I dropped off the map on purpose (double DUH). I am glad he is not bothering me, but I'm also really sad. I feel like I'm back where I was 5 months ago when I first moved out. I feel sad knowing its really over (because it was my call this time). I feel guilty that I had to cut him off. I still question my level of fault in all this...whether I really started it all by expecting too much. I still wonder how did I get here? Why did all this happen? I still find myself wishing that he really loved me, really cared about me. I still daydream about how I wish it could be. The really sad truth is that I'm still hoping for that email where he tells me about the epiphany he's had and that he'll do anything to win me back even though I know it will never come and even if it did it wouldn't be true. I'm basically feeling pretty pathetic right now...I can't believe I'm feeling this way over what I realize in my sane moments is such a DICK! I just wish the doubts and the guilt would go away. Why is it so hard at times like these to see things the way they really are? Why am I still so sad after everything he's done? I just want to let go of the dream. I thought I had to a certain extent, but I guess I haven't.
And healing isn't
linear. At best,
it's a zig zag.
You're moving
in the direction
of well-being.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!
It`s so hard because, all that time ago when you guys met, he fed you a fake veneer. Over time, the real him started alternating with it, until you had cognitive dissonance (holding two ideas simultaneously in your mind).
It`s so hard because you don`t want to play games, and you`re a caring HUMAN being who was fully engaged in the relationship emotionally, during all the times he was being himself - an abuser.
Have you ever looked at the Psychopath and Sociopath discussion boards on here? Some GREAT articles and grieving/healing information gets posted there. Also topics on understanding why we get sucked back in, guilt, clarifying the real from the unreal, etc. It might really help, and lots of the info is also applicable to narcs and other personality-disordered abusers, simply because it often focuses on how YOU the victim can heal from the effects of things they did, rather than going into great detail about their acts and diagnosis.
Hope this helps! Huge hugs xxx
You know, it could happen that you would get an email saying he will do anything to get you back. His FAKE good intentions would last until you went back, then things would start all over again.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, but in the long run, for yourself this is the best way---NO contact and get it over with.
You deserve a happy life and you already said you know it won't be with him.
You are so right. What you are missing is the dream you thought you would have with him. Its NOT the real him. I'm so sorry.
((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
I don't know your exact situation, but I know a very similiar one- You will make it through this. We sometimes have to feel REALLY HORRIBLY bad before we can ever feel better.
Accepting the actual truth of a situation is sometimes the hardest part. HUGS
You said, " I still question my level of fault in all this...whether I really started it all by expecting too much."
Let's say for a moment you actually did start it all by expecting too much. (Not that I believe that, but just for discussion sake.)
I suspect you wonder this because its one of the myriad of his excuses and him blaming you for his actions.
So here are two aspects of expecting too much to consider:
1. Him deciding you are expecting too much is NOT a license to abuse.
and
2. If your expecting too much means expecting to be treated kindly & in a non-abusive way, that would still put the ball back in his court meaning he has either CHOSEN to treat you abusively OR he is incapable of being anything other than abusive.
Every reason he has used to contact you is nothing more than him trying to HOOK you back in.
I've been out almost 9 years (OMG it's hard to believe it's been that long!) And even w/over 5 years of intense therapy w/a trauma specialist, I still have moments of 'what if' and/or moments of 'I wish...' They happen less and less and I get over them w/in minutes, sometimes even seconds.
Eliene is right - healing isn't linear. It's zig zag at best. It's a step or two forward and a step back. It can also feel like you're going in circles. BUT it's all part of the process. Be kind to yourself and be patient. It will get better.
PS, Make sure you really are off his line of credit. Don't believe anything he says. If he really didn't take you off then he can run up bills, not pay and you could end up being responsible. Also, because you sent him your tax info, he could use it to steal your identity, so make sure you keep an eye on your credit reports. You can get a free credit report once a year from each of the three credit agencies.
MTC - when I think back to the very beginning when I first moved in with him (when he was still loving and affectionate) I still always felt a lack of respect...like my feelings and thoughts weren't important to him and talking to him didn't seem to solve anything so I basically resorted to the silent treatment. Examples such as the day I moved in I asked him if he could clear out a couple of dresser drawers for my clothes and his response was "well where am I going to put my stuff?" Everything was always "I", "me", "my", with him, never "us", "we", "ours" and I really resented it. Asking him to do anything (even pick up after himself) was like pulling teeth or he just simply wouldn't do it. As someone who would have done anything for him if I thought it would make me happy, I really resented that too and took it personally. Anyway I guess what I'm getting at is at times that I was particularly offended, I gave him the silent treatment and then he would complain to me about how badly I was treating him. So, I sometimes wonder if maybe I over reacted during times I felt he was "disrespecting" me and maybe should have just let it go...or found a better way of communicating, but with him I can't imagine what that would have been because he never listened. That's what I mean when I say I wonder if I started it. Maybe I shouldn't have let those things bother me???? I was being too sensitive????
Well, let's see.
You were sensitive
enough to want to be
RESPECTED.
Anything after that
were HIS issues.
I finally realized that I could have been Jesus Christ himself and the ex would have still managed to blame me (as Jesus). That's just the nature of abuse. They never truly take responsibility for their actions and their sense of entitlement is mind blowing.
Here's the other thing to remember...and this is REALLY IMPORTANT!
You did the best you could with what you had at the time! And you had/have every right to feel offended. His behavior has nothing to do with you. His behavior is a reflection of himself and no one else.
I'm glad you're off the line of credit for sure. Even if he wouldn't do anything, it's still a good idea to check your credit once a year. It's amazing how many mistakes are made. It's been years and I can't get them to correct the spelling on my last place of employment. I've had to correct many other things as well.