Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi friends
even though i have clarity now in what i need to do and i am in fact at this moment awating money to come through from the government so i can move into my place....( joy and peace ).... :-)
i still have all these questions in my head that i need answering...
one of the main ones is this.....
why some do abusers / narcisstists suddenly leave when you stand up to them while others refuse to stay.
I am infact on another board about N's and most of them flee like a thief in the night as soon as you cut off their supply?....whereas others wont move even if hell froze over !!!!
i dont get this,. can anyone help please? xx
even though i have clarity now in what i need to do and i am in fact at this moment awating money to come through from the government so i can move into my place....( joy and peace ).... :-)
i still have all these questions in my head that i need answering...
one of the main ones is this.....
why some do abusers / narcisstists suddenly leave when you stand up to them while others refuse to stay.
I am infact on another board about N's and most of them flee like a thief in the night as soon as you cut off their supply?....whereas others wont move even if hell froze over !!!!
i dont get this,. can anyone help please? xx
WHATEVER IT TAKES
to maintain
their supply.
Some do one thing.
Others think that route
is too much of a hassle
and will do something else.
For the record. . . . . .
my professional advice to
victims of abuse is to
NOT "stand up to"
their abuser.
There's no way to say exactly
but in many, many cases,
standing up to abuse
can be DANGEROUS.
ABUSERS ARE DANGEROUS.
Some can be more dangerous
than others, but many, many
of them are POTENTIALLY
DANGEROUS. . . . .
some can be murderous.
The ones we often hear about
on national news media were,
for years, emotional abuser.
One day, often triggered by
stress of some sort,
the abuse turns physical
. . . . and not battery like
a black eye or broken nose. . .
but tragically murderous battery.
That's why my standard
recommendation is to
NOT be oppositional
but RATHER
to make a SAFETY PLAN
and put the pieces in place
to, at some point, leave.
Please everyone. . . .
STAY SAFE.
He tried calling for a little while but then gave up as soon as he believed I would not go back. He moved on and is happy (in his words) met someone else (all of a sudden).. and as surprising as it is to me, I don't think he'll ever try to contact me again. it's hard for me to believe he wouldn't try to work it out even though he kept saying he loves me and wanted me back. That's all he said. All I asked for was honesty, communication, and kindness. No big requestes right?
I think there might be different kinds of abusive guys maybe? Narcissists and then there are guys who seem more needy or something and can't let go. My ex is probably a sociopath too so never really had any real connection emotionally so it's not hard to let go and move on to the next. The does that mean the other type, does have real emotions? Maybe I dont' know. Maybe they're more co-dependent.
Got me thinking though. I do feel that the sociopathic narcissistic ones only are bothered by losing control and their prescious ego. Some other guys may believe they love you but it's not the healthy kind. I don't know, sorry. I"m speculating here.
I minimized things with him. Like I never really believed "he" would ever get that bad. That those other men maybe could. Like you don't think it could happen to you. I mean what part of him picking up a large brass knuckle knife and saying it would be good to gut me with and then proceeding to swipe at my arm, slashing me deeply and then coming up behind me with it acting like he was about to cut my throat but changing his mind and punching me in the head and face ten times instead, made me think that no, he wouldn't have or couldn't have killed me? That "he" wasn't that DANGEROUS?
So there's really no difference in a guy who obsesses and stalks and wont let you go, and one who just moves on so quickly and doesn't seem to give a shit anymore one way or the other? I'm wondering about that one too. Are they different kinds of abusers with different kinds of mental disorders?
Sometimes that means they leave and find another one. Sometimes that means the pretend to leave, so their partner will come and try to fix things.
I think H refuses to leave because that would make him the "quitter" so he just makes my life hell--I think sometimes pushing me to leave, so he can go around and get pity from everyone...and blame me for all the problems (which I guess he'd do anyway).
And then he accuses me of being disloyal, which through some reverse-psychology urge influenced me to stay for a long time...so I could prove I wasn't a flake, quitter, disloyal, whore etc.
Their supply is unique--so if they pride themselves on staying, would they go? If they pride themselves on being players and independent, would they stay? IDK.
IMO Rainyangel, there are different types of abusers. Some have mental disorders, some have no known mental disorders. Shawn sounds super scary! I'm glad you left!
In my case, I've had 3 abusive relationships. The first was a very subtle covert abuser and that relationship broke down when I found out he was cheating on me. He moved on to her without a backward glance, despite our nearly 12 years of what I had thought was a happy relationship together (including 3 n a half years of marriage). The second had no "back up plan", and I earned more money than he did, so he simply refused to leave. I had to do something along the lines of what Jillie did. And the third was a violent narcissistic sociopath. He had a new woman on the hook, but there were a couple of complications with that, plus he'd quit his job so was dependent on me financially - there was no WAY he was going to leave (although I firmly believe that, had the complications with the OW been sorted out, he would have been gone without so much as a good bye).
I think they do whatever they think is best to maintain supply or to at the very least keep up a comfortable lifestyle or an appearance of normality - whatever is most important to the particular abuser.
Whatever it is, though, it's not dependent on how much they "love" their victim. It's dependent on what they think will get them what they want. And, as Ilene said, getting between an abuser and what he/she wants can be VERY dangerous, even if the abuser has never been physically abusive before (because, perhaps, they have never fully been denied what they want before).
But I can say she quit talking to me immediately after I sent her an email telling her she has a serious problem with substance abuse, and that at times during the relationship I was tempted to call the police or child protective services on her. That's generally been her MO, when somone calls her out for being less than perfect her response is to shut that person out (except dad - she has shut him out for periods of time, but the ultimately depends on him for money and his lifestyle).
It's probably different for different abusers, but I think an underlying theme for many of them is control. Once they lose control, the see no point in staying around.
But I can say she quit talking to me immediately after I sent her an email telling her she has a serious problem with substance abuse, and that at times during the relationship I was tempted to call the police or child protective services on her. That's generally been her MO, when somone calls her out for being less than perfect her response is to shut that person out (except dad - she has shut him out for periods of time, but the ultimately depends on him for money and his lifestyle).
It's probably different for different abusers, but I think an underlying theme for many of them is control. Once they lose control, the see no point in staying around.
But I can say she quit talking to me immediately after I sent her an email telling her she has a serious problem with substance abuse, and that at times during the relationship I was tempted to call the police or child protective services on her. That's generally been her MO, when somone calls her out for being less than perfect her response is to shut that person out (except dad - she has shut him out for periods of time, but the ultimately depends on him for money and his lifestyle).
It's probably different for different abusers, but I think an underlying theme for many of them is control. Once they lose control, the see no point in staying around.
But I can say she quit talking to me immediately after I sent her an email telling her she has a serious problem with substance abuse, and that at times during the relationship I was tempted to call the police or child protective services on her. That's generally been her MO, when somone calls her out for being less than perfect her response is to shut that person out (except dad - she has shut him out for periods of time, but the ultimately depends on him for money and his lifestyle).
It's probably different for different abusers, but I think an underlying theme for many of them is control. Once they lose control, the see no point in staying around.
But I can say she quit talking to me immediately after I sent her an email telling her she has a serious problem with substance abuse, and that at times during the relationship I was tempted to call the police or child protective services on her. That's generally been her MO, when somone calls her out for being less than perfect her response is to shut that person out (except dad - she has shut him out for periods of time, but the ultimately depends on him for money and his lifestyle).
It's probably different for different abusers, but I think an underlying theme for many of them is control. Once they lose control, the see no point in staying around.