Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
To start, as a young child I witnessed my mother be physically abused by my cocaine addict father... having gone from having everything we lost all of our money at a young age, I saw my parents relationship slowly deteriorate... I watched a decade of emotional and physical abuse on my mom until we finally left when I was 16. We had nothing and I promised myself I would never make the same mistakes my mother did. Nevertheless, I've been involved.in an abusive relationship, first ever, ny father never abused me, and have continued to stay in hopes of him following through on changing, he also just got off probation for dui's, and once told me he wanted to quit drinking and never wants to hurt me like that again. Long.story short a year and a half later I'm convinced people essentially do not change. You can't save anyone, and no matter how perfect I could have been or how much love may have been there, the bad memories and continued abuse is starting to outweigh the pros of staying with this person I at times loved. Am I trying to save him like my mom sister and I tried to save my father... do I provoke this behavior from him. As a result of being around an unhealthy relationship in my childhood and teen years? Who knows, but I don't feel strong enough to let go, I don't feel like I have anything to live for without him
Do not take any blame for the addict/alcoholic. You are not provoking the behavior, in other words. It is THEIR choice to use. They are responsible for their own actions - you are not.
He is an adult, he chooses his own path. Abuse is NEVER an appropriate path. You cannot "cause" someone to be abusive, and your past does not provoke it, all it does is provide him with the knowledge that he has someone to whom abuse is, deep down, acceptable, because it's what you've seen. You have to reprogramme yourself (easier said than done, but not impossible) to know that abuse is never acceptable, that it's never your fault and that you bear no responsibility for his choices in life.
As for people changing, I believe people can change. If they genuinely want to and are prepared to put in the effort it takes to change. The problem is, abusers don't generally genuinely want to. They say they do, but then, they say a lot of things they don't mean, like "I love you" and "I'll never hurt you again". The other thing to remember is that you can't change anyone but yourself.
Something to live for, is you. He is an abusive alcoholic by the sounds of it ... so ... why should he be your reason to live? I understand love, and attachment and all the rest (I've been there too), but on a purely logical level, what is it that makes him so much more important than you? Why should your life be worth nothing and his everything? Start to focus on yourself, love yourself enough and you WILL have the strength to get out of this toxic relationship and find a more meaningful life for yourself.
I noticed in your profile that you are suffering panic attacks, anxiety and depression. I am still suffering from depression, but it's a lot better than it was. I haven't had a panic or anxiety attack since my ex left, though I was getting regular panic attacks before that. I'm not saying getting out will cure you, I'm not even saying in your case that he is causing the panic attacks. What I can be pretty sure of is that an abusive relationship sure won't be helping.
Best wishes to you.
I'm sorry for all the things you've been through.
Are you in any kind of therapy? If not, I hope you'll consider finding a qualified counselor and engage in a therapeutic relationship.
You had a rough start that imprinted dysfunction deep within your psyche.
Now you're playing that dysfunction out in your life.
The fact that you say:
I don't feel like I have anything to live for without him
. . . . . is extremely sad.
Your life is precious.
Your life has absolutely NOTHING to do with a substance abuser struggling in the world because of his own dysfunction.
The fact that you've coupled yourself to another dysfunctional person as a partner, and now feel unmotivated to live a healthy, functional life ---- without substance abusers along with other dysfunctions in your life ----- is so very, very sad.
Please try and get some focused, intense therapy.
A healthy, happy life is worth living.
Your young and have so much ahead of you.
Please make choices to get yourself on a path
of healing and recovery.
I recommend finding a counselor to work with you, to build up your self-esteem. You are not responsible for him nor have you provoked behavior in him...he was messed up way before you came along.
So...what do you want to do, where do you want to go? Work on planning the life ahead of you. Hugs to you for better days ahead.
I started working, with my therapist, on a workbook called "Love is a choice". I bought it for a few bucks online. It's a book about co-dependency. It's hard to work through but it's helping. I still slip every once in a while but I feel better about myself. Maybe it would help.
You have everything EVERYTHING to live for without him.... YOURSELF! You are everything and worth everything. Sending you a big ol hug.