There is a biochemical
explanation
(within our brain)
about why attachments,
even abusive attachments,
end up being so
emotionally intense.

But that biochemical
explanation doesn't
have to be our bottom
line.

There are things we
can do to decrease
and eventually break
the emotional attachment.

One of those things is
to remind oneself about
how the abuse felt
day-to-day.

Another is to connect
with good friends
who support your
well-being.

Another is to focus
on self-care.

Another is to attend
a support group or
have a session
with a therapist.

These are just a
few strategies,
when the biochemistry
of the emotional attachment
makes us miss the abuser.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better days.

It was not just abuse. You were also in a relationship with a man you love. This is not a stranger. So you are coping with the end of your relationship and on a different level with the abuse in it.
You can love someone and be hurt by them and feel enormous pain. We can have all sorts of thoughts and feelings, even love and hate together or pain, disgust etc. and love together and we must honor them and let them be and then make a choice based on what is good for us.

I would like to add that what you're experiencing is exactly what most everybody on this site who have left an abuser have experienced and shared about. Its really really common to feel that way. The exceptions seem to be in cases that involved extreme physical violence or involved someone else we loved being harmed (our children, for example)..maybe (though I could be wrong, I don't know) when it is clearly physically dangerous it's easier to get one's mind to accept it rather than when it's emotional and verbal abuse. I would argue both are equally dangerous, but we can talk ourselves out of the dangers of emotional and verbal abuse easier. That's partly what makes it so insidious and harmful. I also would like to submit the idea that we have to have an internal discussion with the part of ourselves that loves the abuser still and remind him/her about how it felt to be abused and how damaging it was. It has been 9 months for me and I still sometimes have similar thoughts. You know you did the right thing. I suggest doing something really super nice for yourself.

My ex was physically abusive, he hurt my children badly enough to be removed from the home by child protective services after their teachers saw the marks at school. And I STILL missed him when he left. When I tried t explain that to a divorce support group, the other women were horrified and one of them yelled at me - how could I miss such a monster? But he was also a kind, loving person who made us laugh and in his own way, loved us. I loved him. Abusers are hot and cold, no one is horrible all of the time. If they were awful all the time, we would never have fallen in love with them or gotten together with them in the first place.

Missing the good times and grieving for what you had (or what could have been) doesn't mean you also aren't very angry and hurt, or that you don't want to get out of the abusive unhealthy relationship. I can decide to start eating a healthy diet and still miss french fries, even if I know they're bad for me. Years out of my abusive marriage, I still sometimes catch a memory-glimpse of the fun guy my ex used to be, and my heart kind of smiles for a moment. My grieving is done, and I am so glad I am free of the pain and fear of the abuse, but I'm also sorry that he couldn't be a healthy, sane husband and father.