Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm driving myself nuts. I've come here to relieve some of the stress and mixed emotions and thoughts that are constantly running thru my head.
I know what I need to do, I need to get myself and my daughter out of this relationship and move on.
I need to rebuild my confidence and self-esteem and realise I am a good mom and parent, I am a good person.
I've been married 4 years. Its the classic rush into marriage because he "needed me" and "couldn't live without me" and "why wait". I thought he was wonderful. Caring and thoughtful and all that.
We married and then things started changing. I saw his temper on others, his disrespect of women in general, his depression, his belief that everything wrong was always someone else's fault.
All text book stuff that I have read up on about someone with a personality disorder.
He does the mean-sweet cycle. I never know what to expect. I'm forever walking on egg shells.
I dread the end of the day when I head home from work because I don't know what to expect.
He doesn't have a job so sits at home looking after our daughter giving him all day to stew on "my problems".
He has constantly told me I am wrong, I have no idea how to be in a loving relationship, we never talk, I cant communicate, I am stupid, fat, dumb, useless etc etc etc. Why did I get married and have a baby if I cant handle it. He threatens to take our daughter and leave as he doesn't want her growing up around "disfunctionality".
He is threatening, intimidating, controlling and a bully. I know that. I see that.
I never thought he would lay a finger on me until about a year ago when he threatened to smash me up. Then I started wondering "when". How messed up is that to start thinking when.
I'd got the occasional bruises where he grabbed me real hard back in 2008, and then he whacked me on the leg with his belt one day in Aug 2009. Real hard because he was so angry.
And I did nothing. I sat there and listened to him rant for 2 hours about how I pushed him to this point and how I needed to change.
Then in Feb this year he snapped big time again. I was sitting on the couch with our daughter reading her a book and he came in, kicked the book out of my hand, and I said "what was that for". And that just set him off. He grabbed me and slammed me into the couch over and over and then head banged my forehead over and over. He only stopped when our daughter started crying. He grabbed me into a sitting position and whacked me across the face before picking her up. I was told I had better not pick up the phone or make for the door. I had to sit there for a 3 hour rant about how I made him do this, it was all my fault etc.
And again I did nothing.
I am mad at me for not doing anything, and especially because of the impact it could be having on our daughter.
But I feel sorry for him. I feel I can make his life better. He grew up in a bad family, his father beat him and his brothers and sisters up, and his mum was no better with mind games. I know he has tried to put all this behind him and he can be a really caring and sweet guy, but the anger and violence from the past is still there a part of him.
He has panic attacks, suffers depression, but blames everyone else. I cant get him to a doctor. I want to protect him from this world, keep him away from people so he cant get angry at them, to have us be a happy family.
I feel guilty that I am even considering getting out of this, and taking our daughter away from him. I don't want to hurt him (yet I let him hurt me!), I want to make things better for him.
But deep down, I know I can't stay, I can't make it better and he wont change. I am battling with myself thinking it can work out, no it can't, yes it can. I dont want to be the one who ends this, yet I know I have to.
How do you just do it? How do you get over this and move on?
I know what I need to do, I need to get myself and my daughter out of this relationship and move on.
I need to rebuild my confidence and self-esteem and realise I am a good mom and parent, I am a good person.
I've been married 4 years. Its the classic rush into marriage because he "needed me" and "couldn't live without me" and "why wait". I thought he was wonderful. Caring and thoughtful and all that.
We married and then things started changing. I saw his temper on others, his disrespect of women in general, his depression, his belief that everything wrong was always someone else's fault.
All text book stuff that I have read up on about someone with a personality disorder.
He does the mean-sweet cycle. I never know what to expect. I'm forever walking on egg shells.
I dread the end of the day when I head home from work because I don't know what to expect.
He doesn't have a job so sits at home looking after our daughter giving him all day to stew on "my problems".
He has constantly told me I am wrong, I have no idea how to be in a loving relationship, we never talk, I cant communicate, I am stupid, fat, dumb, useless etc etc etc. Why did I get married and have a baby if I cant handle it. He threatens to take our daughter and leave as he doesn't want her growing up around "disfunctionality".
He is threatening, intimidating, controlling and a bully. I know that. I see that.
I never thought he would lay a finger on me until about a year ago when he threatened to smash me up. Then I started wondering "when". How messed up is that to start thinking when.
I'd got the occasional bruises where he grabbed me real hard back in 2008, and then he whacked me on the leg with his belt one day in Aug 2009. Real hard because he was so angry.
And I did nothing. I sat there and listened to him rant for 2 hours about how I pushed him to this point and how I needed to change.
Then in Feb this year he snapped big time again. I was sitting on the couch with our daughter reading her a book and he came in, kicked the book out of my hand, and I said "what was that for". And that just set him off. He grabbed me and slammed me into the couch over and over and then head banged my forehead over and over. He only stopped when our daughter started crying. He grabbed me into a sitting position and whacked me across the face before picking her up. I was told I had better not pick up the phone or make for the door. I had to sit there for a 3 hour rant about how I made him do this, it was all my fault etc.
And again I did nothing.
I am mad at me for not doing anything, and especially because of the impact it could be having on our daughter.
But I feel sorry for him. I feel I can make his life better. He grew up in a bad family, his father beat him and his brothers and sisters up, and his mum was no better with mind games. I know he has tried to put all this behind him and he can be a really caring and sweet guy, but the anger and violence from the past is still there a part of him.
He has panic attacks, suffers depression, but blames everyone else. I cant get him to a doctor. I want to protect him from this world, keep him away from people so he cant get angry at them, to have us be a happy family.
I feel guilty that I am even considering getting out of this, and taking our daughter away from him. I don't want to hurt him (yet I let him hurt me!), I want to make things better for him.
But deep down, I know I can't stay, I can't make it better and he wont change. I am battling with myself thinking it can work out, no it can't, yes it can. I dont want to be the one who ends this, yet I know I have to.
How do you just do it? How do you get over this and move on?
Please be safe!
As long as you're with him, things aren't going to improve - they're going to get worse and he could end up killing you. The effect he will be having on his daughter will be very similar to the effect his own father had on him and, unless you remove her from the situation, she is going to be badly affected by what she's witnessing.
I can only urge you to get along to your local women's centre and get the support you so deserve in helping you make the right decision for you and your daughter.
I'm sorry you're going through this, Tigger. You don't deserve it - nobody does.
You decide to value your life more than you value the abusive relationship.
Like most (if not all?) abusers, my ex had a terrible childhood. And I felt very sorry for that. But if I stayed, I would have been condemning my own son to the same terrible childhood, and to probably repeating the patterns in his own life. I was NOT going to have that.
That's how I managed to just do it. I should have done it for me, but I know I did it for him. If you can't do it for you, do it for your precious daughter.
Just last night after I signed up and wrote the above, I started thinking more clearly about the life that will be after he is gone. And I started a list.
I can get myself back in order, get back to friends and family, relearn to enjoy life and most importantly enjoy life with my daughter in surroundings of positiveness. no putdowns, shouting, cussing, door slamming, throwing things or hearing/seeing mommy cry.
From my own experience, I can't recommend counselling enough in helping us heal from abuse.
Good luck and keep on talking!
The change in my boy was partly the fact that I was more relaxed. It was partly that I could finally get a bit of a routine going for him - everything had revolved around my ex, including our baby. And it was partly that HE was more relaxed and comfortable.
think about how lonley and scared your daugher is... I understand that you are lonley and scared too but you have ac hoice, she doesn't. and she also can't make sense of all the pain she feels because she is just a child! Your afraid having to go home to him, she's afraid and doesn't know why! ITs proven that children who witness abuse are effected in the same way as if they are the ones being abused.
This is why I left my relationship... because as a mother I am responsible for my daughter FIRST, not my partner. I couldn't bear to look my dughter in the eyes and see her fearand confusion and to tell her that we were in this situation becasue I didn't want to be alone and he needed me. She's a child, she's scared, your her mommy. its your job as a mother and a person in general to protect her little heart from being broken anymore. Its not too late for you and her to start over... and if you feel weak thinking about him, just look at your daughter and think of what your doing for her, giving her alife full of security love, consistantcy and hope, and you will be a HERO for doing so.
I am not trying to make you feel bad. I understand how difficult it is to consider being a single parent... but is your daughter worth it? YES. And only you as her mommy can do the right thing and protect her and help her grow into a stable, beautiful person, you can do it! you will do the right thing!
HE is the abusive one.
HE has the problem.
You don't want your precious little one to think that this is how people in love treat each other! She will grow up to find someone to treat her like you are modeling is acceptable, if she sees you getting ranted at, kicked, shoved, having your head bounced off of a surface...she will think this is normal and grow to repeat the cycle.
You can't help him, he abuses you because he feels it is his RIGHT! You are his PROPERTY, you signed the deed with your wedding in his mind, he thinks he owns you and will treat you like any other THING that doesn't behave how he thinks IT should.
This thing NEVER gets better, it ALWAYS escalates.
Violence is about control and power, he has none so he takes yours, it's an addiction more deadly than alcoholism because the abusers rarely see there is a problem. They don't see their victims as human beings with wants and needs and feelings of their own, just things to use and MAKE MIND!
God speed, but get out of there. M